What does it matter? (Potions Assistant thread) on Potions

Heinrich Hexenmeister

May 01, 2019 4:05 PM

What does it matter? (Potions Assistant thread) by Heinrich Hexenmeister

Well, he’d told Professor Hawthorne his secret and the world hadn’t ended. The world, in fact, seemed remarkably unaffected, almost insultingly so. He wasn’t sure what he expected to change, and he was sure he hadn’t wanted everyone whispering behind his back when he walked by, but this complete normality was a little bit grating. After all the fretting he’d put into it, something ought to have changed.

Hilda hadn’t even yelled at him when he’d told her (in German, because he needed to know she’d understood him) what he’d done. She had just frowned at him in bafflement, and asked why he’d thought it would matter to Professor Hawthorne any more than it mattered to Johana Leonie.

But it mattered. It did matter. Maybe not to Professor Hawthorne or Johana Leonie, maybe not even to Hilda anymore, but to him, it did matter. It wasn’t the same as telling someone your parents were dentists or something.

Abruptly, Heinrich put down the mortar and pestle he’d been using to crush dandelion root for the classroom potion stores and looked over at Professor Brooding.

“If you know a bad thing about a person’s family, it matters, yes?” he demanded, more forcefully than he’d intended to. “It matters to the person. It matters to you. Right?” He struggled to get the words into English, but he thought he was expressing what he wanted to say, if not as eloquently as he would have liked. “You see the person, you think about it. How can you not?” He was less sure he said that part right. She might think he was asking how to stop thinking about his friend’s bad family instead of seeking validation that there was a price and consequence to people Knowing, and he’d been right to be scared of it.

He thought the clarity of his meaning might depend on how much Professor Hawthorne had told the rest of the staff, if she’d thought this was important enough that his other teachers needed to know.

And he really wasn’t sure which option he wanted that gavel to come down on. On the one hand, if she had told, that meant he was right, that it mattered. It was an important and significant fact about him, worth sharing with those tasked with his education and well-being.

On the other hand, he wasn’t at all sure he liked the idea of the teachers all talking about him in their staff meeting. Well, not for that reason anyway. If they wanted to comment on how good his English was getting lately, he was all for that. If they were crediting him for Hilda passing all of her courses, that was fantastic.

If they were discussing the crimes of the Hexenmeister Assassins, and noticing how well both of their children scored in DADA in spite of their language barriers, that was just terrifying.

1 Heinrich Hexenmeister What does it matter? (Potions Assistant thread) 1414 Heinrich Hexenmeister 1 5

Professor Mary Brooding

May 01, 2019 7:09 PM

It matters because you matter. by Professor Mary Brooding

Professor Brooding always felt a bit awkward when one of the assisting students was spending any time in the classroom, because she really wanted to chat with them. She tried to leave it with lemonade and other treats, and let them decide whether to chat, but sometimes she just couldn't help it. They were all pleasant people and obviously had an interest in potions or they wouldn't be here, so they already had something in common. Still, few students were as interested in holding as many conversations with a professor as Dorian was, and that was important to respect.

Today, while Heinrich (she had finally gotten used to calling most of her students by their first names now) was working on this task and that, she was working on grading. Some work was easier to grade than others and she tried to save papers for more private grading time, as she sometimes found herself shaking her head or squinting at a particularly confusing essay. As such, she was in the middle of testing a first year's Shrinking Solution when Heinrich spoke up.

The leaf she'd been testing the potion on did shrink, but it also shriveled up and died, so she took note of this as Heinrich spoke and then set her quill aside to focus on him. He was usually so soft spoken that she had often wondered what he was thinking. Small smiles told her that he at least appreciated the German labels she'd included in the classroom, so she had little insights here and there.

"Yes," she began, contemplating whether she should be concerned for Heinrich or for somebody that he knew. "It matters because that person may need help, or they may need people to help them not be like their family. Sometimes knowing a bad thing about a person's family can help you look out for someone if they're in danger." The second part of his question made Mary more worried than the first part had somehow. The first part may have just been about a fight he'd had with somebody else, but the second part seemed more . . . sad. Had something happened?

"When I see a person, I do not think of their family. I can't. If somebody's family has done great things, that doesn't mean that person will. I don't want to let that sway my opinion of them. The same is true the other way; I don't want to be swayed by what a person's family has done bad either. Nobody is just what their family is." She thought of her mother, and sort of wished that it was a little less true.

"Does that make sense?" She'd long since developed the habit of asking whether she was making sense, rather than whether a student understood. It wasn't her students' faults if she wasn't making any sense, whether it was because she was unclear or whether it was because she was using a language they didn't use as fluently. That was her problem, not theirs. "Is there anything wrong?"

22 Professor Mary Brooding It matters because you matter. 1424 Professor Mary Brooding 0 5

Heinrich Hexenmeister

May 01, 2019 11:46 PM

Unless I multiply myself by the speed of light squared by Heinrich Hexenmeister

As Professor Brooding answered his question, he began to doubt the wisdom in asking it in the first place. Though he was gathering that there had been no staff meeting to inform everybody about him so that was good to know and a bit relieving. Even if it added to the impression he was getting that it didn’t matter after all.

Though Professor Brooding said it did. So that was something anyway. Except it was the wrong things that she said mattered about it.

“There is no danger anymore,” he promised, so she didn’t worry. She seemed like the sort of person who might worry and there was no need for that. Most of the dangers that had existed - and which he and his siblings had been largely ignorant of at the time - should have ended when they got sent off to America. Barring some revenge bent victim turning up - and anyone crazy enough to cross an ocean to come after some kids probably would have been noticed by now - their greatest danger now was social rather than physical. “The person was already removed from the danger.”

There had been danger. He knew that now. Some they had just taken for granted. *Stay out of Mom’s flower garden, some of them are poisonous.* Some they had only been peripherally aware of. *Let’s play upstairs today, Hilda, Mom and Dad’s new client gives me the creeps.* Most, though, had been invisible to them. Dark magics in the basement. *The basement is off limits. Adults only. If you need us when we are working down there, ring this bell and we’ll come up.* Dangerous people visiting, even the ones who didn’t immediately come off as creepy. The inherent risk of an auror raid at any time, or worse, someone seeking vengeance.

Two murderers tucking them in at night.

As Professor Brooding continued though, Heinrich found himself frowning in confusion. It wasn’t even the English that was the problem. His listening comprehension was getting to be very good now. He knew all those words. He even grasped most of the grammar even if he still had trouble implementing it in his own sentence creations.

The problem was that what she was saying didn’t make sense.

“No,” he admitted when she asked about that very thing. Normally he’d feel bad about telling a teacher they were being nonsensical, when it wasn’t English’s fault, but he really needed this explained better.

“If the person was raised by bad people, how knows he that he becomes not bad by accident, from doing the things the bad people teached him were normal? How does he know what things are normal for reality and what are bad things done by the bad people?” In his agitation, his English grew sloppy, but he thought he was still getting enough of his point across for her to understand his concern.

“And he is scared because jinxes he gets right first time, but charms take many tries.”

1 Heinrich Hexenmeister Unless I multiply myself by the speed of light squared 1414 Heinrich Hexenmeister 0 5

Professor Mary Brooding

May 02, 2019 1:15 AM

Then you are spirit. by Professor Mary Brooding

Mary considered Heinrich's expression with more neutrality than she usually mustered. It seemed important, particularly with Heinrich, that her natural response (to scoop all the babies of the world up and love them all better), was reserved. Heinrich didn't need her to fix anything for him; he needed to know how to fix it himself. Unfortunately, there was nothing to do to fix who one's family was.

"That's good," Professor Brooding said, nodding as she listened. She was glad there was no more danger now, but that only served to confirm her suspicions. "If somebody now understands that the people who raised them were doing bad things, then they can tell the difference. You bring up a good point," she added, leaning forward on the desk. "We learn from our environments. I began potions when I was a child because my family enjoyed them. I was never very good at some other branches of magic. Some people just aren't as good at one thing or another. I'm lousy with defensive magic." She managed to stifle the smirk that always came with this admission, funny as she thought it was for poor Tabitha.

"It used to take me many tries to get those right, and I'd usually go back to what I already knew; I'll use potions or charms instead of defensive magic if I can, because I'm better at it. That's okay. There are others who are terrible at potions, and very good at defensive magic."

Mary took a breath, and leaned back in her chair. It wasn't that she was fidgety, per se, but it seemed like there was more to be done than she could actually do right now. She wanted to make everything perfect and easy for Heinrich. But how?

"There's a story about the spirits we all have within us," she said, wondering whether it would make a lot of sense. "It says that there are two wolves, and one is bad and dark, and that's why sometimes we want to lie or hurt people, and there is one that is good and loving. They are fighting and one of them will win. The one that wins is whichever one we feed. If you are careful to feed the good and to grow, then you can be good. Nobody is bad by accident; they are just making a mistake. Bad people choose to be bad, or choose to ignore the good."

Her brain was storming, that was for certain. Should she offer to help practically, with charms assistance? She wasn't the right person for that. Should she offer a hug? That was probably not what he wanted.

When she spoke again, she was quiet, and kind. Her voice was the little wrinkles that form in old faces when they smile. "I've studied magic and potions for many years, and spent a lot of time traveling, Heinrich. If it means anything at all, you are not your parents."

22 Professor Mary Brooding Then you are spirit. 1424 Professor Mary Brooding 0 5

Heinrich

May 02, 2019 11:10 AM

Re: Then you are spirit. by Heinrich

He was a little preoccupied worrying at the difference between ‘defensive magic’ that Professor Brooding claimed to have trouble with and ‘offensive hurtful magic’ that he thought might be his notable talent, so it took Heinrich two seconds longer than it really should have to realize Professor Brooding had stopped talking about ‘a person’ and addressed the actual problem under discussion without any hypotheticals at all.

His eyes widened in alarm at this comprehension that she Knew. How long had she Known? Had Professor Hawthorne told her after all? Or had she just worked it out now? She said she’d travelled a lot. If she’d been in Germany, or even mainland Europe, a few years ago she couldn’t have missed the newspapers about the trial, and Hexenmeister wasn’t exactly a common or easily forgettable name. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t just dropped a million clues to confirm any niggling suspicions.

The initial rush of adrenaline passed with nothing worse happening than her looking at him with kindness and a total lack of recrimination for being who he was.

His opening statement was now true: she knew something bad about a person’s family. And she said it mattered. But she thought it mattered for different reasons than he did. She thought it mattered because it meant he might need help. She claimed she would not think of his family when she saw him, that she would only see him, but he didn’t see how that was possible.

He was a part of his family. His family was a part of him. He might have been yanked halfway around the world from where he’d started, while his parents remained locked behind German bars, but he’d spent the first ten years of his life living with them, learning from them, loving them.

He felt something prickle at his eyes and he hurriedly wiped it away.

“I think,” he started, but his voice was thick and it cracked (and not from puberty this time), so he cleared his throat and tried again, “I think some people like all their wolves and feed and grow both of them, but keep them separate. They only show the good wolf to some people and the bad wolf to other people. I did not know they were bad people until I read the court transcripts. When I first came here, I thought it was all a big mistake. I thought we would go home by Christmas.“ He wiped his eyes again. He cleared his throat again.

“I trust not me to know bad now. I never saw bad in them, so I miss it other places, too, probably. I think I feeding good wolf, but what if it is bad wolf pretending to be good wolf and I can not see?”

The prickling in his eyes was getting worse. He wiped at the wetness more frequently. His voice was starting to hitch every few words. He drew in a deep stuttering breath to try to stave off actual sobs. He was almost fifteen. He was too old to cry.

“When Uncle Karl does something different than them, is it because they did it bad, or is it just different? If they were all bad, it would be easier, but they told us they work as consultants. They help people solve problems. That sounded good to me. I thought they were good people. I wanted to be like them. I am Aladren. I solve problems. Hilda needs help with homework. I translate assignment for her. She do work in German. I translate back. This good. They help by killing people. That bad. But same thing, same goal. Help people solve problem. Where line? What if not so obvious? Helping not enough to prove good. Is Hilda hurt because I translate, not make her do it? She not learning English well. I take practice away from her. It is hard to know what is bad and what is good. Is it hard for everybody or just me?”

By then his nose had started working up along with his eyes and throat and a more practical and less metaphysical question had to be asked. “Do you have a tissue?”

1 Heinrich Re: Then you are spirit. 1414 Heinrich 0 5

Professor Mary Brooding

May 02, 2019 2:12 PM

But hugs though. by Professor Mary Brooding

It made Mary's stomach hurt to watch everything that was going on inside Heinrich's head play itself out across his face, his shoulders, and, worst of all, in his eyes. He had grown so much in the past two years, but he really was still a little boy.

Why had no one told her that teaching was the easiest part of being a teacher? Everything else made that seem like a piece of cake.

She nodded as Heinrich spoke about only having seen the good side of his family and did her best to keep her eyes free of mist as his voice broke. This little boy had experienced more betrayal in his young life than most people did in their lifetimes.

"The bad wolf bites," Professor Brooding said simply. "When you are seeing the good wolf in other people, it feels good and they do not hurt. Sometimes it can still be hard; I'm sure it's hard now to think of the good in your parents without it hurting. But the good doesn't hurt the same way. The bad wolf bites, and you know it when you feel it or see it."

She wasn't sure exactly how much he really needed to rationalize his way through his thoughts, and how much he just needed to get them out. "I can't imagine how much it hurts to feel betrayed. You are a good big brother, and you try to take care of Hilda now. You solve problems by loving the people who are part of the problem, and trying to find a solution. Not by trying to hurt people or destroy the problem altogether."

She thought about his next question carefully, because she wasn't sure what his experiences were like and didn't want to dismiss them. On one hand, she was pretty sure that everyone, particularly teenagers, struggled to figure out what was good or bad, what was right or wrong, etc., but she also didn't know how much of his parents' work he had seen or been exposed to. For all she knew, he'd been brainwashed into thinking that some very not okay things were actually okay. There was a real possibility that Heinrich's young life was just that much harder than everyone else's, and she didn't want to dismiss that possibility. She also made a mental note to check in with Hilda as discreetly as possible the next time she saw her.

"It is hard for everyone," she agreed, speaking carefully. "You know that some of your classmates have really bad home lives, right? That isn't necessarily the same as what you're going through," she added, wanting to make sure that he understood she wasn't trivializing his experiences. "But not all of your classmates with harmful parents will grow up to be harmful people. They can learn not to be like their parents. Sometimes you have to really ask yourself why you're doing something that you're doing, or why it's good or bad. Talk it out with someone you trust, or write a list of reasons one way or the other. That's okay to do sometimes if you need to. In any case, you're absolutely not alone, and you aren't a bad person for wondering these things. If anything, I think you're a good person for wanting so much to be good."

When he asked for a tissue, Mary obliged by summoning a box of them from near where she'd set out the snacks and drinks. She wasn't sure whether Heinrich was one to be comforted by finger foods and something sweet, but wanted to draw his attention there for a moment just in case he was. Floating the box to her own hands, Mary carried it to Heinrich and offered it with a small smile.

"I've heard people say that grief is like a river; you either let it out or it's going to break down the dam and come out anyway. It's alright to cry," she told him. "I'm not sure how long its been since you had a hug, or whether you like them at all, but if a hug will help at all, just let me know," she told him. She was glad it no longer felt silly to be so direct; communication and consent was important and she wanted to offer the same respect to her students that she would expect from them.

22 Professor Mary Brooding But hugs though. 1424 Professor Mary Brooding 0 5

Heinrich

May 07, 2019 1:33 PM

I’m too old for that sissy stuff by Heinrich

Don’t destroy the problem. Heinrich latched onto this piece of advice as his new moral rudder. He wasn’t entirely sure how it applied in all situations, or even the example he’d given about Hilda and her homework, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t destroying anything there, so he must be doing it okay.

He was also relieved to hear that other people did struggle with knowing what the right thing to do in a given a situation might be; that it wasn’t always as clear cut as knowing a wolf was bad when it bit you. Obviously, biting was bad. Heinrich wasn’t that morally confused. But he was also aware sometimes bad came in quieter and less easily noticed forms, and he kind of thought Professor Brooding might be oversimplifying there.

Also her implication that he wasn’t the only one at Sonora with harmful parents did come as something of a shock to him. Between his language barrier and his own tendency to self-isolate in order to protect himself, he realized he really did know very little about any of his classmates. He had successfully prevented any of them from learning his background but, equally, he had learned none of theirs.

He thought that might have be a ‘destroying the problem’ solution. When having friends opened his secret up to possible revelation, he had opted to just not have friends.

That wasn’t entirely fair, of course. His first year, he had still been in denial and hadn’t been quite so adverse to opening up. However, his English had been so horrendous that connecting with anyone been doomed to failure. By the time his English was good enough to communicate on a more than superficial level though, the desire to do so had been scared out of him and his classmates had stopped expecting him to be anything more than his year group’s token Aladren who lived and breathed schoolwork and seemed entirely disinterested in anything else.

He blew his nose on the provided tissue but regarded Professor Brooding with doubtful distrust at her assertion it was okay to cry. And while a (large) part of him - the part the missed his mother, missed believing his family was normal- did strongly crave the hug she offered, he shook his head and asserted, “No hugs.”

Uncle Karl had tried once and that had just been awkward as all get out. Granted, that had been pretty early on, when they were still virtually strangers, but Uncle Karl was no more physically demonstrative than Dad had been, and Heinrich was under the distinct impression that Hexenmeister Men did not Do Hugs.

Hilda would fling her arms around him during her rare bouts of happy exuberance - usually those were Quidditch related - and Hans was still little so it was okay to snuggle with him when reading bedtime stories together, but Heinrich hadn’t had a real, good hug from a grown up since Mom was taken away.

But it wasn’t right to want one when you were almost fourteen. And crying was even worse.

And Professor Brooding wasn’t Mom anyway. Too dressy. Too long-haired. Mom was always much more practical looking. Light brown hair cropped and feathered almost like Ness’s, but dressed in more feminine colors if not fashions. Mary Brooding was nothing like her at all.

In body count as well as appearance. Heinrich pushed away the longing by embracing his grudge.

“I’ll be fine,” he promised, gruffly, and blew his nose again into the used tissue before using his wand to levitate the crumpled ball into the nearest trash can.

He picked up his mortar and pestle again. “I guess I should get back to work.”

Work was safe. Work was comfortable. He knew how to handle work.

1 Heinrich I’m too old for that sissy stuff 1414 Heinrich 0 5