Adam Whitney
April 21, 2008 8:02 PM
Enjoying the sun... sort of. (Nic) by Adam Whitney
Adam left the Cascade Hall barely touching his food. It wasn't that he hadn't tried to eat, Merlin knew how much he enjoyed his food, but he had started coughing halfway through lunch and Adam had decided that today wasn't his day to eat ravioli. So, instead, he had set down his fork and wandered out into the Saturday afternoon sun.The month of September was coming to an end soon and Adam felt as though his life was at a complete standstill. Summer hadn't gone exactly as he had planned. Dalila and him and fought. He had told her the truth about everything and she hadn't liked what he had to say. Not that he could really blame her for that. It wasn't as though he had let out easy on her. But, he couldn't lie about any of it either. The breakup had been for the best. For both of them. He hoped that eventually, Dalila would reach that conclusion as well.
He knew that he was the complete jerk in the situation. He would never deny that. And, there was a good chance that people might end up hating him because of how he ended the relationship. Or, for that matter, how the relationship started. He cared for Dalila, that would never change, but he wasn't in love with her and he didn't think that would ever change. It had been hard to admit such a thing to himself let alone to Dalila, but it was only fair that he told her so that she didn't continue wasting her time with him on a future that wasn't meant to be.
Adam had been hoping that this new year would help distract him from everything, but instead he felt his mind wander more and more during his spare time. Things that he would rather not think about. Thoughts about people that only hurt in the long run. Possibilities that would never come. These thoughts were endless and often left Adam feeling drained. It was due to these reactions that Adam and grown to be rather legarthic in life. Not caring about anything. He didn't see the need to pretend anymore.
It was all pointless.
He had been walking through the Labyrinth for a bit and was growing tired. Taking a seat an available bench, Adam leaned over and placed his head in his hands. He knew that if someone saw him, they would immediately think something was wrong with him, but he actually felt this position was the most comfortable one to be in.
Eyes closed, breathing easy, body relaxed. Adam felt good sitting on the bench. It was calming. Almost as though he could really forget everything. Well, at least until he felt the weight of another being sitting down beside him. Adam lifted his head and looked over only to wish he hadn't. "Hey Princess." He greeted sounding more casual than he thought he could.
Subthreads: Only sort of? by Nicoletta Dupree with Adam, Nic
We have a habit of going in circles. by Adam with Nic
6
Adam Whitney
Enjoying the sun... sort of. (Nic)
69
Adam Whitney
1
5
Nicoletta Dupree
April 21, 2008 9:05 PM
Only sort of? by Nicoletta Dupree
From the moment that Nicoletta had come back to school, she had been spending an extraordinary amount of time in the Gardens. Part of her hoped to see Adam and part of her hoped to continue avoiding him. She wanted to see him. She wanted to ask him about what was going on. He seemed different. She couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but there was something definitely going on. She wanted to ask him what it was, yet she was hesitate to do so. Mostly, though, she just wanted to see him and it was purely selfish.Then, there was the other part of her that didn’t want to, because when she did, she knew she had to make a decision. Over the summer, she had visited Earl. It had been quite an experience. She had gotten to do many things that she normally wouldn’t do, like going to a muggle movie theater. Other things had come up though, such as where she and Earl were going. In the end, the best thing had been to take a break from everything. She had felt horrible about it, but she knew that until she let go of Adam, she would never be able to really be with anyone else. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. She had a chance to be happy. They all did, but all she was doing was sabotaging it.
As these thoughts swirled around in her head, she kept walking. She didn’t really have a set pattern for where she was going, but eventually, she would be led back to an exit. Then, she would go back to her dorm. For the moment, however, she was enjoying the sunshine. A left turn. A right turn. An Adam. She stopped mid-step. There he was on a bench, his head in his hands. Her heart pounded at the sight of him. Her initial reaction was to flee. She didn’t want the conversation that they were inevitably going to have.
She fingered the bracelet on her wrist. No, she had to do this. Nicoletta held herself up to her full height and marched over to the bench. She sat down next to him, immediately regretting the decision, especially when he talked. He didn’t say anything special, just a greeting, but it sent all her nerves on edge. She frowned slightly. He shouldn’t still have this much of an effect on her. They were just friends, but that was the problem, wasn’t it? Being friends wasn’t working. Being in a relationship hadn’t worked.
“Hey,” she returned the greeting. She bit her lip. It was now or never, but she figured a cautious approach would serve well. “So, how was your summer? Anything new or exciting?” She knew one thing that was probably new, but she wasn’t about to bring it up. She had noticed that he sat away from Dalila in the class that she shared with the two of them. It might also have been her imagination, but she could have sworn she got a couple glances of the evil eye from the girl, though; she shrugged it off, as paranoia. After all, she hadn’t given Dalila any reason to hate her. If anything, she had been the one giving the dirty looks to Dalila for being with the one that she wanted. But no, she wouldn’t bring up this new development. She couldn’t go down that road. It was a dangerous road, because it brought up all the feelings that she still had, the ones that she wanted to let go. She had to let go, just as he had.
0
Nicoletta Dupree
Only sort of?
64
Nicoletta Dupree
0
5
Adam
April 21, 2008 9:32 PM
Too much sun can be a bad thing by Adam
Adam watched her for a moment. She seemed to be thinking about something. Probably questioning her own sanity as to why she had decided to sit with him. He didn't exactly think she would be wrong for thinking that. Adam was questioning it as well. They had tried to be friends after the breakup. Tried was stretching it. They had a few moments of success, like the ice skating rink (in which Adam was imagining his lips against hers half of the time). But, for the most part, they merely pretended to be friends. They both knew it was too hard.There would always be that draw. Nicoletta and her world (well, her old world) of the rich and powerful. The anger that often came out between the two of them. Even the sneaking around. It was attractive. It was dangerous (figuratively, of course). It had been new. It had been addicting. And they were still feeling the pull of it. Or, at least, Adam was. Nicoletta was the reason he had pulled away from Dalila. Why he hadn't been completely divulged into their relationship. He had kept hoping for a way out. A way back. But, Nicoletta had moved on. She was with Earl now. They seemed better suited for each other than she and Adam ever could. A part of him was happy for her. A bigger part of him hated Earl.
He gave a long drawn out sigh after she asked him about his summer. How to answer that.... My summer dealt with explaining to my then girlfriend about the fact that my heart, lungs, and every other vital organ are slowly giving out and will eventually (sooner rather than later) end in my death. Oh, and, by the way, I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Adam didn't think Nicoletta would want to hear the details of his conversation with Dalila. If nothing else, it might make her feel guilty or have her hating him because he couldn't get himself to move forward.
"Melodramatic." He answered her after a moment of contemplating. "Tiring. Filled with tears and yelling. But...necessary." He finally admitted to her, giving her a half smile. "Your's any better?"
0
Adam
Too much sun can be a bad thing
0
Adam
0
5
Nic
April 21, 2008 10:34 PM
Isn't that why sunblock was invented? by Nic
Melodramatic. Tears and yelling. The words were fairly confirming to her thoughts, but she still ignored what it meant. She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to let herself hope. She had before and had been sorely disappointed. Instead, she stuck to answering the question at hand. How was her summer? “Mine was actually pretty good. I worked in my aunt and uncle’s restaurant,” she told him. She gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I worked. Hard to believe isn’t it?”She considered leaving out the part about her trip, but thought better of it. It was the entire reason they needed to talk. She nearly sighed, but bit it back. “I got to see the ocean when I went to California,” she began. “It was really beautiful…I visited Earl.” The sentence was ended lamely. Maybe she shouldn’t have brought it up at all. Trying to backtrack, she asked what she hadn’t meant to ask, “Why was it melodramatic?”
Her gaze shifted to the ground, her dark hair fell around her head to cover her face. Could she be a bigger idiot? Already, none of this was going the way it should have. She shouldn’t have asked anything. She should have just been blatant. She should have told him that their friendship wasn’t working and to just give him the bracelet back. It was like a symbol hanging over her of what couldn’t be, what held her back. Yes, she should have done that and then, she would be free of the torture that she insisted on putting herself through by trying to be his friend.
It was horrible. Every time they were around each other, all she wanted to do was touch him, to run her fingers over his face, to be in his arms, to do everything that they once did, but she had to hold herself back. She couldn’t do it anymore. She wasn’t his, no matter how much she wanted to be, the fact was that she wasn’t and that it was his choice. It had been the decision that he had made when hers had been him. She felt like crying at the sheer force of misery that hit her at the thought of ending the pitiful friendship that she had latched on to.
But first, she had to get through the small talk conversation that she had started. Of course, she had begun it on the basis that she actually wanted to know what was going on with him. She really never did learn. She took a deep breath. One thing at a time.
0
Nic
Isn't that why sunblock was invented?
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Nic
0
5
Adam
April 21, 2008 10:59 PM
I didn't really mean sunburns by Adam
Adam quirked an eyebrow at her. "I'd believe it." He told her when she had explained that she had worked. He was glad that she had family to turn to when everything else had seemed to fall apart at the seams. "You worked pretty hard at the retreat." Nicoletta continued to talk about her summer vacation and a frown formed on his face. She had been to California? She was in the same state that he had been in but hadn't told him about it? And then her reason as to why she was there was told. She was there for Earl.Despite himself, Adam rolled his eyes at the name. Why would she feel the need to tell him that? Why would he want to know about her being with Earl during summer vacation? Near him of all places. Just to rub it in that she and Earl were happy together while Adam was barely holding on to pretty much everything in his life. He almost snorted. Life... What life? He was a walking, talking corpse. An inferius. That's what he was. Bound to his Earthly body for the mere torture of it.
Adam rolled his head back and closed his eyes. There were circles forming beneath his eyes. Just visible, but only if one was looking closely. Late nights of coughing fits often kept him up at all hours. He had been good enough to remember to but a silencing charm round his bed so as to not disturb Connor, but it left him drained and feeling less refresh come morning. Physically, the signs were beginning to show. "Because I was honest with Dalila." He finally answered her, deciding to just be honest because he had nothing left to lose. "I told her that I'm sick. That I'm dying. She didn't like hearing it. She lives in her own world where rainbows come out of people's butts." Adam's voice was low, almost bitter sounding. "It was one of the reasons why I like her. Always believing in the best. But, sometimes I need to be in reality." Adam shrugged. Dalila was definitely different and that was what was great about her. But, it wasn't what Adam really needed.
"And she didn't like that fact that I have feelings for someone else." Adam opened his eyes and looked directly at Nicoletta when he said it. "So, we broke up."
0
Adam
I didn't really mean sunburns
0
Adam
0
5
Nic
April 22, 2008 10:05 PM
Dare I ask what you meant? by Nic
Nicoletta didn’t say anything more about working and certainly not about the retreat. That entire scenario had been a nightmare in and of itself. She had avoided Earl. She had avoided her friends. Though, she did make a new one, which was good, but she hadn’t been in a group with him. She had been in one with Adam for two days while she spent the nights in the cabin with his girlfriend, Dalila. Thankfully, it had been peaceable, even though the tension had held in the air.As she waited for Adam to answer her, she stared at the shadows on the ground caused by the hedge branches. When he did, her hand moved of its own accord to snake over to his, but she didn’t quite touch his. Instead, she rested it near by, so that their fingers were nearly touching. She was afraid that if she did, she wouldn’t be able to let go, and that wouldn’t be good. She had to try and keep her distance.
But then everything shifted. Her head snapped up, so that her blue eyes were staring straight into his, her mind processing the words. They had broken up? He had feelings for someone else. She could feel her face getting hot with the blush that was coming on and she quickly looked away again. Maybe…No, she shouldn’t let her thoughts get carried away. They were just words and even if he wasn’t with Dalila, it didn’t change things, not really. He had told her that he loved her and had still been with Dalila. So, why would anything be different now?
Maybe she was even overanalyzing the look he had given her. Maybe he just wanted to tell her that he wanted her to leave him alone, because he had feelings for someone else, just like he had told Dalila in a way. Yes that had to be it. It had to be. She couldn’t be the reason. She was never the cause. She knew she was being nonsensical, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. She had to know. She needed the words to be spoken, to know it wasn’t a dream. She licked her lips and tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat, before managing to utter, “Whom do you have feelings for?”
\r\n\r\n
0
Nic
Dare I ask what you meant?
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Nic
0
5
Adam
April 22, 2008 10:55 PM
Heat Stroke... I'll claim heat stroke. by Adam
She wasn't saying anything. That wasn't a good sign. Adam frowned slightly. Maybe saying all that had been wrong. He shouldn't have put his feelings out there like that, especially when Nicoletta had come out and admitted she had gone off to visit Earl during the summer. That had to be a sign that the two of them were serious or getting to the point of being really serious. She didn't need him confessing anything to her now. He had been the one who had pushed away to begin with. What a jerk he was.He should tell her to just forget what he had said. To just walk away. Go back to her boyfriend. Be happy. And he will continue on and go to classes he could care less about and pretend that there's a future for him outside of these school walls. He continue to avoid Dalila because looking at her made him feel guilty for making her cry and for not telling her the truth right from the beginning. There was a part of him that wanted them to still be friends because he really had fun when he was with her. He felt completely relaxed with her during their months of friendship and the early days of their relationship. It was his fault that their friendship was nothing but dust now.
Maybe someday she would forgive him for misleading her the way he had? Maybe.
Adam opened his mouth to shrug off what he had just told her. It was obvious that it wasn't something she wanted or needed to hear. But, her question had him gawking at her. Was she serious? Hadn't he been clear? He felt like a fish out of water with his mouth hanging slightly opened as he looked at her. He shook his head to clear it, trying to figure out the best approach for this. He noticed her hand near his and took the opportunity to link his fingers with hers. "I can't tell if you are being serious or if you just want to see me lose my cool." Adam commented, the slight smirk on his face showing that he was joking. "But if you need something as proof of who..." Adam tilted Nicoletta's face towards his and kissed her. He had been wanting to kiss her since he saw her at the beginning of last term in the gardens. When they had their fight. When he had told her the truth. He could only hope that he wasn't too late in making things up with her.
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Adam
Heat Stroke... I'll claim heat stroke.
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Adam
0
5
Nic
April 23, 2008 9:52 PM
Heat stroke can be a very dangerous thing. by Nic
The warmth of his fingers caused a shiver to run down her spine. Her gaze drifted over to where their hands were connected, before looking at him. A half smile grazed her lips at Adam’s statement, though; it was true to a degree. What she said would have normally produced a very different reaction and would probably have led to a fight, and the startling realization was that a part of her would have wanted it to, simply, because it would have elicited some form of emotion from him, something that showed that maybe he did care a bit about her for the words were never enough.Anyone could say the words, but perhaps, not everyone listened. She certainly hadn’t. She still didn’t fully, but everything was transformed now, as there was no fight. Instead, his lips were on hers. Her thoughts were in a hazy pool. Nothing else was in focus. Hungrily, she deepened the kiss, her free hand moving to clutch at his shoulder, pulling him a little closer. It had been so long since they had been like this, after denying everything for more than a year.
It was overwhelming. It was like having food after months of starvation. After a few moments, she broke away from the kiss breathless, but didn’t move away. Her face still only a couple inches away. She was afraid that if she did, she would find out it was all a dream. “Adam…” What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to ask? She knew that there were still things to be discussed, but she was having trouble forming anything in her mind, as she stared at him. All she wanted to do was continue kissing him.
Finally, she was able to form a necessary question. She leaned a little closer, the gap nearly gone. Whispering almost against his lips, “Where do we go from here?” Before he could answer, all willpower gone, her lips were against his once more, her hand moving from his shoulder to the back of his neck. She was utterly hopeless.
0
Nic
Heat stroke can be a very dangerous thing.
0
Nic
0
5
Adam
April 26, 2008 12:59 AM
So can you. by Adam
He had expected her to move away. Force him away. Slap him even. He was almost physically flinching in anticipation of the sting of her hand. No, Nicoletta did the exact opposite of what Adam had expected of her. She kissed him back.Adam wasn't so sure why this should surprise him, Nicoletta never did anything he expected her to do. It just wasn't in her nature to form into the mold of expectations. She was as spontaneous as she was beautiful. That was part of her attraction. The unknown. She had boldly kissed him that day in the library and they had both argued and kissed and argued some more. They were always heated about something and now, Adam couldn't quite figure out why.
Why had they always fought? When they were so good in moments like this one? Merlin, he missed her. The smell of her hair. The feel of her skin. The taste of her mouth. He even missed her attitude. Why had he given her up so easily? What had been so wrong between the two of them?
She pulled out of the kiss but now away from him. He sat there looking at her, looking at everything, taking all of it in. His brows creased when she said his name. Was she going to tell him that they couldn't continue? That this was wrong? They were wrong? And then there was her boyfriend. Funny how things worked out. First they break up because Nicoletta had her Traditional Pureblood ideals that Adam couldn't even begin to understand. He moved on. She left her family. He left Dalila. She found Earl. Life was cruel.
"Where do we go from here?"
It was an honest question and one that he didn't have an answer to. He had no idea what this all meant. Truth was, when he had broken up with Dalila, it had been under the intention of just isolating himself completely from people while he continued his education. He hadn't meant to end up alone with Nicoletta. Hadn't meant to look at her and feel that familiar ache he always felt whenever he was in her presence. Hadn't meant to tell her that he still had feelings for her. Hadn't meant to kiss her.
Adam's arms went around Nicoletta's waist as they kissed, pulling her close so that she was nearly in his lap. Kissing was what they always did best. It was everything else that they were screwed up with. Maybe things would be different this time. There wouldn't be the sneaking around like the last time. There would be no shame.
He pulled away, breathing heavily, "Is this okay?" He asked her. "I mean, don't you have a boyfriend?"
0
Adam
So can you.
0
Adam
0
5
Nic
April 28, 2008 4:13 PM
I'm not sure if that was a compliment. by Nic
A dissatisfied murmur came from Nicoletta, as Adam broke away, but she knew that they still had things to discuss, like the inevitable question that he just asked, so she took a deep breath to calm herself from their tryst. An expression of guilt fleeted across her face. It wasn’t do to actually having one, so much as how awful she felt over the whole matter with Earl. Even though, she had been honest about her feelings up front, she couldn’t help feeling she had led him on. She had told him that she needed time to be alone and now here she was kissing Adam, but was it really so wrong? This is what she wanted, this is whom her heart wanted.“Earl and I aren’t serious,” Nicoletta started. It was true; they hadn’t been, at least, not in the beginning. She had been trying to make herself feel better by replacing Adam. It hadn’t worked in the slightest, because she hadn’t given herself the opportunity to breathe, to heal, and to grieve for what was gone. The process had begun over the summer, though, with the help of her aunt who had given her some sound advice on relationships, which was why she had distanced herself from Earl and why she had been about to do so with Adam. But now, she didn’t know any more.
She chuckled lightly, though it sounded cheerless. Her hands had moved and were now curled around the bench under her. “He and I started almost exactly the same way that you and I did. Life is funny like that, I guess. But in the end, he wanted more than I could give, so I told him that I needed a break to figure things out.”
Nicoletta’s gaze was focus was straight ahead, not able to bare watching Adam while she said everything she had to say. Wisps of her hair bit around her face and she shoved them back with a hand. “I was planning on ending our friendship.” She toyed with the bracelet. “I can’t give anyone more of myself, because I had never let go of you.” Her gaze shifted to him.
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Nic
I'm not sure if that was a compliment.
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Nic
0
5
Adam
April 28, 2008 9:06 PM
You can take it that way if you'd like. by Adam
Adam watched Nicoletta closely while she took her time to answer him. He wanted to let her hair curl around his fingers like they used to before all the problems began. Before he had really started to like her. Before her being engaged had caused any sort of problem. Before the both of them became too caught up in the moment. Before they had found themselves wanting more for a relationship and both were too scared to go through with it.He focused on her face when she began talking. More importantly, her mouth. He frowned slightly. Not serious. What did that even mean? They had been 'not serious' for their relationship and ever since then Adam had struggled to forget her. To pretend that they hadn't had anything at all. He had lied to everyone, including himself and Nicoletta.
It wasn't that he hadn't tried, in some way, to move on. It just hadn't been the best way because, in the end, he had hurt someone else in the process of trying to figure out where he needed to be in his life at this point in time. What he wanted. What he deserved. And definitely what he didn't deserve.
Adam moved so that his back was pressed against the bench, his arms draping over them as though he hadn't a care in the world. But, despite what his body language was saying, Adam's face was focused upwards, squinting at the sun. The look he was wearing was one of discomfort as though bracing himself for the worst. Nicoletta was still talking about her and Earl. Earl wanted more (and who would blame him?) while Nicoletta needed time. Time for what? Guilt overcame Adam. It was his fault that Nicoletta wasn't finding the happiness she deserved. Maybe if he hadn't tried to be around her so much, if he hadn't tried to get even the smallest piece of her, maybe she could live happily in peace with Earl. And even though it would kill him to know that it was with Earl and not him, she would still be happy.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees and focusing his gaze onto the ground. "I'm sorry." He said even though a small part of him wasn't sorry that she wasn't happy with Earl. "I seem to always cause a problem for you, but I mean, if you don't want me to come around you anymore, I'll stay away. Can't make any promises, but I'll try." He glanced over at her, realizing that she was looking at him and offered her a hopeless smile.
0
Adam
You can take it that way if you'd like.
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Adam
0
5
Nic
April 29, 2008 2:57 PM
But the question is how it was meant. by Nic
Confusion wrote itself across Nicoletta’s features, her brow creasing, as she took in what Adam was saying. Her head was already turning slightly in a gesture of no. Didn’t he understand what she had been telling him? She still cared for him, even after all this time, but she had been hurt. Though, she knew she had bruised him as well. She had wanted the bit of a relationship they had to be a secret. She had wanted to keep her betrothal. Then, she had made the mistake of falling for him, coming to realize that and because of this, she wanted more. She had needed time. She had needed to stand up to her parents, decide what she wanted for her life.By the time she had, it had been too late then. He had told her that he loved her, but couldn’t be with her. He had moved on with Dalila. They had decided to try and be friends, which didn’t work when all she wanted to do were those that she had lost. Yet, he was no longer with Dalila and here they stood. But what did it mean? Yes, he still had feelings for him just as she did for him. They for all intents just made out with each other, but that was what they had done before everything. It wasn’t enough anymore.
Her hand shifted and she curled it around his. “Adam, I don’t want you to go away, but I don’t know what to do. I came out here to tell you that we couldn’t be friends, because it’s too hard. It hurt to see you with Dalila, because she could give you what you needed and I couldn’t. I wanted to be the one to hug you, to kiss you, to be with you. I wanted to be the one that you confided in. Then, you tell me that you broke up with her and that you have feelings for me. We end up kissing, but now what? We go back to secret make out sessions?”
She moved so that she was crouched in front of him. She placed a hand on either side of his face, so that he had to look at her. She wasn’t quite sure where the bout of bravery came from, but somewhere within her, she mustered it. It might have come from the fact that she was afraid not to do something, to try. She had hesitated on her feelings before. Leaning up a bit, she kissed him softly, before pulling away. Her voice was quieter than the increased tones earlier. “I love you. I’ve been in love with you, but I can’t…” She paused for a moment, not quite sure what it was that she couldn’t do. She took a deep breath to give her a chance to word it, but opted for another approach. “Adam, what is it that you want? You kissed me. You have feelings for me. But what do you want?” Her eyes pleaded with him to be honest. She needed him to be honest.
0
Nic
But the question is how it was meant.
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Nic
0
5
Adam
April 29, 2008 9:30 PM
That you're dangerous? by Adam
Adam glanced at her hand ontop of his like he had earlier. Even though he had struggled not to do so, his hand had a mind of his own and returned the gesture of clasping his fingers through hers. His thumb gently moved over her soft skin as though the thumb had any right to do so while Nicoletta began to speak to him.As usual (it was the usual routine with them wasn't it?) Adam had misunderstood what she had been originally trying to tell him. It wasn't that she wanted to let him go to be with Earl. But she needed to let him go because it pained her to see him with someone else. Dalila. It was the exact same for him when he saw her with Earl. The frown remained visible on his face while she explained. It hurt to see Dalila with him because she could give him what he needed and Nicoletta couldn't. The words wrapped around Adam's brain, trying to digest.
He would never regret the time he spent with Dalila. She had, in her own way, made him happy. She was stress free. She wasn't ashamed of him. There was no need to hide. They could be a couple. They could laugh together openly. And kiss. And hug. And everything else that Nicoletta had mentioned. But to say she gave him what he needed? Could that honestly be said as true? Adam didn't think so. There were loads of times when Dalila exasperated him because she seemed so naive to everything. Unable to see the picture as it was but constantly looking for something brighter that just wasn't there. He couldn't even tell her just how sick he was until the very end and that had only made him feel like a coward. Worthless.
Her movement startled him briefly as he found her directly infront of him with her hands against his face. He couldn't help but just look at her, despite the fact that his hands had no idea where to place themselves and so, simply rested on his knees. How awkward they must look if someone walked by them. He felt her lips against his before he really knew that they were there, but unlike their previous kisses, this one was soft and kind. Almost pure in feeling. He closed his eyes and a knot formed between his brows.
Love.
The inevitable was coming. The but... She loved him but... She loved him but their relationship just wasn't worth the stress. That was what should have come after the but. Instead, however, Nicoletta stopped talking and took a breath. Her question startled him even more than her movement. His eyes snapped open so that he was staring into her bright blue ones. What did he want? What did he want? Adam didn't have a clue. He had been so focused on just forgetting everything that he'd lost sight in what used to make him happy. What he looked forward to. "I don't know." He told her, confusion and a touch of panic crossing his features.
There could have been a number of ways in which he could have answered her question, but the look on her face silenced Adam from saying any of them. Instead, he sighed and leaned into her hands like the wind had been knocked out of him. His hands folded over her's and gently pulled them away from his face. "What do I want... to get through this year, graduate, to live." His words were quiet, "I love you Nic, that's never changed even though I know I tried to pretend that it had. I want everything. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you, but just tell me what you need to hear, tell me what you're looking for and I'll try, I'll try to do better. I'll try to be whoever you need me to be." He was starting to sound desperate and perhaps he was. It had been a long time since Adam had thought about the future and he was realizing that being with Nicoletta even when they were fighting, it gave him something to look forward to. A reason to keep trying. A reason to keep fighting against the inevitable.
0
Adam
That you're dangerous?
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Adam
0
5
Nic
April 30, 2008 6:44 PM
Yes, is it good or bad? by Nic
’To live.Two little words that caused her heart to thump. His confession from their last meeting ran through her head. She studied him slightly. She would have noticed before if other things hadn’t taken precedence. She frowned a bit. He looked tired and it made her worry. No, she shouldn’t be worried. She was backtracking on everything that she had planned, but then, of course, she hadn’t planned on kissing him or saying anything that she had said.
The rest of his words caused her to sit in shock. He had never stopped loving her? He didn’t deserve her? He wanted to be whomever she wanted? Her knees slumped forward and she moved her hands from his. Her arms wrapped around his waist, as she pressed against him, her head nuzzled under his chin. She stayed like this for a few moments, just savoring being so close to him. She listened to the beating of his heart, his breathing. She inhaled his scent.
She tilted back, looking up at him. “Adam, I love you for no other reason than you’re you. All I need is for you not to leave me. Please don’t leave me.” Her words were whispered, almost afraid that she was asking too much of him. She knew that they had a tendency towards arguing, that he had a tendency for storming away just as she did. Perhaps, if they could actually get through not doing that, then maybe they would stand a chance. Everything was changed. They were older, more mature, right? Maybe they had a chance.
Nicoletta took another deep breath, a forced habit to remain calm. She had to say exactly what she wanted. That was part of their past problems. She never came outright and said what she wanted or needed. She would have to do better. She was getting better, perhaps, she, at least, recognized this within herself. Her hands toyed with his, linking and unlinking with his, stopping only when she spoke again. “I want to be with you, really with you. No secrets, no hiding.”
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Nic
Yes, is it good or bad?
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Nic
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5
Adam
April 30, 2008 10:04 PM
A bit of both depending on the situation. by Adam
Her arms were around him and his returned the gesture greedily and wrapped his own around her tightly. This felt nice. Easy almost. As though they had never stopped. This was just a small lull though and he knew that. They had always had random bursts of good moments that were always clouded by fits of passion and anger. It seemed to be all they could run on. Well, the old 14 year old them. He wasn't really sure how they would run now at 16."Please don't leave me."
It seemed like a simple request for anyone else but Adam. It suggested a future that Adam wasn't so sure that he had or one that he could give to her. It was also a reminder that he had decided to spend that last couple of years at Sonora alone in order to help ease some of the guilt that being sick has brought onto him. Of course, that would have made him very lonely, but it was a sacrifice that he had been prepared to make.
At least, until Nicoletta had sat down next to him. Now he wasn't sure what he wanted to do.
He couldn't give her anything. At least, not the sort of things she was probably used to having when she was still considered a 'Dupree'. Although, her taste in things may have been altered now that she had to learn how to work for a living. How to appreciate all that she had because it was earned and not just a priviledged. But, he didn't want to make her upset anymore or cause her anymore grief. He didn't want to cause anyone anymore grief. It wouldn't be fair. "Nic..." He started but words failed him. They could have a real relationship. A relationship without shame. But for how long? How long would it take for her to become fed up with him? How long would it take for her to realize she couldn't or wouldn't stand beside him when things started to go really badly?
"I can't make promises." He started. "I can't even think about things months from now. I don't..." He struggled for a moment trying to find the right words to make her understand that even though this was what he wanted too, but was terrified about what it would mean. "This could hurt. You being with me. Merlin, Nicoletta, you make me happy even when we fought and I want to make you happy too but I don't know if I can. I don't know what I have to offer you to make you want to stay with me. To stay with me through everything."
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Adam
A bit of both depending on the situation.
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Adam
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5
Nic
May 01, 2008 4:43 AM
And in this situation? by Nic
It had been too much. She had asked for too much. She took another calming breath. She shouldn’t get worked up. She had been worried about the way they had always fought before. She had been worried that inevitably they would end up getting into one of their heated arguments and he would end things the way he had before. She just wanted to know that he wouldn’t do that, but it was asking too much. How can anyone predict the future?People change. It’s a given. She had changed. She was no longer the stuck-up princess she had been when she was eleven, or for that matter, even at fourteen, when their relationship had begun. Most of that she had Adam to thank for. If it hadn’t been for him, she would still be betrothed to Lucien. She might not have discovered who he really was until they were married and then she would have been stuck with him for the rest of their lives. She shuddered at the thought.
Her head tilted in confusion. How could her being with him hurt? They no longer had her family hanging over their heads. They didn’t have to hide, which seemed to be what a lot of their fights had revolved around. She hadn’t understood why at the time, but she did now. She understood a lot of things better than she did now, but some not as much. She didn’t understand how if they loved each other and worked through their problems, how being together would hurt, especially when he said that she made him happy.
When Adam said he didn’t know if he could make her happy, that he didn’t know what he had to offer, the corners of her mouth turned down. In the world of the Dupree family, statements like that rang true. It was all a basis of what one could offer, whether it was power, money, or status, or a preferable combination of all three. But outside of that world, when it came down to just the person, what did anyone really have to offer anyone else? All they had to offer was themselves, which had to be enough. It was enough for her. All she need was him, but the problem was getting that through to him.
Her frown deepened and lines appeared in her brow. Why wouldn’t she stay with him through everything? It wasn’t as though he hadn’t told her how sickly he was. It wasn’t as though she didn’t know the end result. She did. She was well aware of it and it pained her, but it also made her realize how limited time was. It was a hard thing for one to realize, harder for a sixteen year old to come to grips with, but she did. She had no delusions going into this.
Nicoletta got up off the ground and sat next to him once more. She brushed her fingers along his jaw line, before pressing gently to make sure that he was looking at her. “My eyes are wide open. I’m not getting into something that I don’t want to get into. Adam, please believe me when I say that you are enough of a reason for me to stay. I loved you before I knew what was going to happen and I loved you after. I understand that things may get difficult, but love means not turning away when it does.” She blinked, slightly startled at what she just said. When had she become an adult?
Her fingers twined into his once more, a link. “No one knows what the future holds. The only thing that we know is that eventually we all come to the end and that we should make the most of whatever time we’re given. For as long as that time is, I want it to be with you.”
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Nic
And in this situation?
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Nic
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Adam
May 04, 2008 8:05 PM
Um...I'm hoping good. by Adam
Adam's eyes remained on the ground as Nicoletta moved to sit beside him once more. Her hands moved against his jaw and Adam wondered momentarily if she would hate the hair that he had grown along his jaw. His mother hated it, but Adam felt it made him older. It was still in the beginning stages, but should have been somewhat noticeable. Those thoughts ended abruptly when Nicoletta forced him to look at her.Her words surprised him. He didn't think anyone their age was capable of such thought. He knew that those words were honest ones from her and he elated in hearing them, but he also cringed when he heard them. He felt completely guilty for wanting her to be with him despite the fact that there was no future for her to believe in. He wanted to be with Nicoletta and he was only just realizing that that had been what he had wanted all along, but he didn't want to hurt her in a way that it was impossible to prevent.
"Stop." Adam said suddenly, removing his hand from her's and standing up. He felt overwhelmed. He always felt overwhelmed when he was with Nicoletta, though he couldn't exactly say why other than the fact that he was always so taken by her. Not that he would say that openly. "Just stop, Princess." Adam demanded, his voice rougher than it had been since she had sat down beside him. It was a sure sign that he was trying to keep his anger in check amongst a few other emotions. He ran his hands through his growing hair before running them along his face.
He was breathing hard, walking in circles. He needed her to understand. He kicked the dirt around him while he worked out a way of explanation in his head. Adam turned towards Nicoletta, "You don't get it, Nic. You don't understand. At home it's the Healer's say this, the Healer's say that. No stress. No Quidditch. You can't do that. You have to be careful." Adam's voice was rising as he spoke, his emotions getting the better of him. As usual. "I can't pretend that I'll be here at the end of this year. Or that I'll graduate. I don't even know if I'll be here come midterm, Nicoletta. And, yes, you can say that for anyone because no one knows the future. But, I know, I know that I'm dying. And I've been told that I won't make it to see my twenty first birthday. Don't you get it, Nic? If you're with me, it'll hurt."
Adam bent low infront of Nicoletta. "I love you. But knowing that you're watching me die. Seeing how sad it makes you or how upset you could become, knowing that it's because of me, I don't know if I can handle that. You asked me not to leave you, but that's not a choice I really have the ability to make. I don't want to be the one who hurts you again."
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Adam
Um...I'm hoping good.
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Adam
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5
Nic
May 04, 2008 10:01 PM
I'm not sure it will be by Nic
The tone in Adam’s voice made her jump slightly. She knew it very well. It was the one that usually led into one of their fights. Normally, she would have said something, done something, but instead, she stayed quiet. She waited, as he walked around in circles. She waited for him to begin talking once more and he did. It was as though he were tearing a knife through her and twisting it with every word about how he was going to die, when he might die. She bit hard on the inside of her cheek, not allowing herself to speak until he was finished.Didn’t he understand that she knew it was going to hurt? Didn’t he understand that she had already been hurting? Didn’t he understand that even if she wasn’t with him that she was still going to be watching him die? Suddenly, she stood up, unable to sit any longer. Passion and anger flooded through her. Whirling she turned back around to where he was. “You don’t get it! Do you think that by being apart that I won’t notice? Do you think that I won’t be sad or upset? Do you think that I’m not going to be hurt?”
Her breathing was slightly ragged. Her thin fingers were clenched into fists, turning the knuckles white. “You’re wrong. If you think that, then you’re wrong.” The words had turned quiet, but every bit of force from before was still behind them. “I’m going to get hurt. You can’t change that. There’s nothing you can do. I’m not trying to pretend what you’re going through. I’m not trying to pretend that I understand. Please. Please, don’t try to understand what I’m going through knowing this or dealing with losing you.”
Losing you.
The words were out there. She was going to lose him. There was nothing that she could do and with each day, each hour, each minute, each second it just drew closer. She crumbled into a ball in front of him. Wetness ran down her cheeks, but it wasn’t noticed. Every bit of her being was focused on the fact that he was going to leave her one-day for good. She didn’t have words for what she wanted to say. Everything was jumbled up inside of her. Her hands groped to find him, brushing along his jaw with the new growth of hair, winding their way to his shoulders. She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his.
Pulling back, she finally said gently, “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through, and I shouldn’t try to change your mind on what you want to do. So, you do whatever you feel is necessary.” She unhooked the bracelet around her wrist. She grabbed his hand and put it in it. She closed his hand around the bracelet, leaving her hand there. “I’ll always love you.” She didn’t know what more she could, but to let him go. She didn’t want to, but she felt she had no other choice. He had to make the decision to live for every moment he had left or to already be dead.
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Nic
I'm not sure it will be
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Nic
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Adam
May 04, 2008 10:38 PM
No, it doesn't look like it. by Adam
Adam remained where he was when Nicoletta stood up and went on her rant. He didn't look at her. He just listened with a pained look on his face. He had known that she was hurting. At least, he knew on some level that she was hurting, a part of him had hoped she had really moved on from him and was happy with Earl. But he had put up a wall to her pain. Maybe it was because he was selfish. He wanted to pretend that everyone would be okay after he died. That they would have their own lives and wouldn't think about him. It had been a stretch for him, but one he was more than willing to make if only to delude himself from everything. Including his own pain.She was infront of him again and this time Adam looked at her. She was crying. He always made her cry. His chest ached as his heart pounded in his chest. She was crying and it was all his fault. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to tell her everything would be okay because, damnit, she made him feel as though it would be. It wasn't fair. Nothing was ever fair. Why? Why did she have to kiss him in the library that day? Why did they have to have that agreement to see one another? Why did he have to fall for her? Why? Why, why why? Why did he have to be the one to die? Why couldn't it have been anyone else but him? What did he do that deserved this sort of consequence?
She was kissing him. Not like before. It was only a brush. Adam closed his eyes, wanting more, but knowing that anything more would just make him feel empty when it all came crumbling down ontop of him. Why did she have to love him back? Why couldn't anyone answer him? Why? Why him?
Emotions that Adam kept at bay were surging through him. He watched Nicoletta remove her bracelet, confused by her actions. He felt the gold against the palm of his hand. His mouth dropped open. How could she do this? He obviously was pushing for her to just walk away, but to give him back the only thing he could have ever afford to give to her? How could she? Was it worthless to her? Too heavy for her to wear on her wrist now? Was the bracelet a reminder to her of how heavy of a burden he would have been to her?
He pushed the bracelet back at her, dropping it from his hand as though it had burned him. He looked incredulously at her. "I don't want this. I spent my savings on that for you. I don't want it back!" Adam stood up and moved away from her, trying to calm his nerves down. "I'm sorry it's so horrible for you to wear. If you don't want it anymore, fine, give it to someone else." His heart was thumping because of his anger, his hand automatically pressed against his chest as though it would help ease the pain. He quickly looked away from Nicoletta as the coughing fit hit him. It wasn't a big one, didn't last a full minute, but Adam still felt winded by it. "Just...nevermind."
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Adam
No, it doesn't look like it.
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Adam
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5
Nic
May 05, 2008 3:32 PM
The moment of truth. by Nic
The bracelet was dropped back in her hand. Her fingers automatically curled around it. She wished she could have let it drop on the ground, but it meant too much to her. She didn’t even want to give it back, but she had to. There was no other choice. It was a connection between them. She couldn’t make sense of anything any more. One minute it seemed like he wanted her and the other it seemed like he didn’t. She felt utterly frustrated.It was a feeling that didn’t last long, as Adam had a small coughing fit. It was less than the one he had at the ranch, but unlike last time, she didn’t hesitate, didn’t force herself to wait. Getting up off the ground, she wound her arms around him from behind, resting her head against his back. For a few moments, she stayed like that, just holding him, content to do so, but it was one that could not last, but that was the way they were, as quick to change as the ocean.
Braving to speak, she tried to explain; “It’s not that I find the bracelet horrible. It’s not that I don’t want it. Actually, it means a great deal to me and I want to keep it, but that’s the problem. It means a lot.” She moved his arm with hers, so that when she held out the bracelet, it dangled to touch his hand. “This bracelet is a connection between us. As long as I keep it…”
Shifting, she stood in front of him. One hand stayed at her side, the other was linked with his, the bracelet resting in between. Her blue eyes were full of unshed emotions, as her gaze rested on his face. “Don’t ask me to give the bracelet to someone else or to just get rid of it.,” her voice was pleading for him to understand. “There is no middle ground with us. We’ve never been friends. Not really. We’ll never be able to be friends. As long as I keep the bracelet, then we’ll just keep pretending that we are. I can’t pretend anymore.”
Her focus was now on his chest, trying to hold back the tears that threatened with her next words. “Take the bracelet and tell me that you don’t love me. Do that and I promise to leave you alone. Otherwise, I’m not going to –“ In the next instant, her mouth was on his, pouring every bit of herself into it. When she broke away, she finished, “to stop.”
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Nic
The moment of truth.
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Nic
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5
Adam
May 05, 2008 11:25 PM
That sounds ominous. by Adam
He felt her arms go around him and stiffened momentarily. What was she doing? Why was she tormenting him like this? If she kept this close to him for too long, he might not be able to let her go. He might drag her down with him. Adam's arms went to rest on her's. It was an automatic response, but one he knew he should do. He should pull away from her. He should just walk away.And yet, he didn't. He didn't move. He just stayed there with her hugging him like so. He was afraid to let go. Afraid of what came after.
She was talking and Adam had to strain to hear her. She was slightly muffled. It was about the bracelet. She loved it, wanted it, but couldn't have it because it meant a lot? That didn't really make any sense to him. And why would she think that it wouldn't equally mean something to him? He didn't want the bracelet and though he knew it would sting if he saw someone else wearing it, at least it would be somewhere where people could see it and not gathering dust in his vacant room never to be seen again.
He looked down at her as she came around to the front. He didn't really get it. He wasn't asking for her friendship or to keep the bracelet. He just didn't want her to give it back to him. Was that hard to ask for?
She kissed him. There was so much behind it that Adam didn't know how to respond. He stood for a moment, like a deer in car headlights, before his body responded and his arms were around her waist. And he knew that this time, he really wouldn't be able to let her go. She withdrew from him, he knew that he would have to offer her something. But, he couldn't say that he didn't love her. It was a lie and they both were well aware of it, instead, he said something else. Something that he had never intended to ever say to anyone.
"I'm scared." He told her, unable to keep it in any longer. The words had formed of their own free will, but once they found their means of escape, Adam found himself telling her everything that he had kept to himself since the day of his diagnosis. "I don't want to die." It was unfair to unload onto her after having tried so hard to let her go, but it was like he had a whole in his waterbed and things were simply leaking out of their own accord.
"My mom puts on a brave face everyday. She'll smile and say 'Good Morning Buddy' like she always had, like before. She'll make breakfast and bring it up to my room for me on the days when I can barely open my eyes. She'll laugh with me when nothing was particularly funny. She'll tell everyone that everything is fine. Her Buddy is strong. But, she doesn't mean it." Adam's eyes lifted and met Nicoletta's. There was absolute, undeniable guilt speaking volumes from his baby blues. "She'll cry at night when she thinks I'm asleep and can't hear her. But the walls are thin and her sobs echo all around me. They're stiffling."
He paused for only just a moment, looking away from her again. "My dad works hard. Leaves early in the morning, doesn't come home until late at night. Always working. Because he has to. Because he has all these medical bills to pay. Because I have to take potions regularly. He works so hard just so I can stay around for a little bit longer." Adam moved away from her and took a seat back on the bench, letting out a slow breath as he did so.
"I see the hope that they have when they look at me and it hurts because I know that they know there's nothing that they can do. And I get so angry. Angry at them for pretending. Angry at the Healer's for not being able to help me. Angry at our lives because we don't have the money to fix anything. Angry at myself because I'm so f**king weak." He swore on accident, he was just so fueled now and could feel the self-pity surging in. "And then I see you or I think about you, Princess, and I stop hurting. I stop being angry." He looked at her, frowning. "You give me that hope, Nic. That, if someone like you could give me just a little bit than something good can happen. Maybe some miracle will hit and we'll be able to have that muggle transplant the Healers were talking about. But it scares me to hope like that. It's doing the exact same thing that I hate my parents for doing. I don't want the bracelet and I don't want to lose you either, but if I hope the way I do when you're around, I don't know what I'll do anymore."\r\n\r\n
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Adam
That sounds ominous.
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Adam
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Nic
May 06, 2008 7:10 PM
Don't most of our conversations lead there? by Nic
Nicoletta waited with baited breath for the words that never came. The ones that said that he didn’t love her, the ones that would take back the bracelet, the ones that would end everything between them. Instead, it was as though, she had broken through a wall that had been up for so long that it was beginning to crumble and everything came rushing forward, how he was scared, how he didn’t want to die.Sadness fleeted across her features. He was only sixteen years old. He wasn’t supposed to be dying yet. He was supposed to be worrying about classes and silly teenage dramas. He should be having dreams about his future, not worried if he would have one. Her heart bled for his mother’s hidden cries and his father’s long hours, all for a son, who held a burden greater than all of them. His eyes spoke of it with the guilt, as though it were his fault that he was born with a weak heart.
When he stepped over to the bench, she stayed rooted in her spot, turning only enough to view him. She wasn’t sure what she should do, but it didn’t matter, as he had begun to speak once more, about how angry he was, angry at everything and everyone, everyone but her. Confusion set in at that. How she made him stop hurting, stop being angry, how she gave him hope, how she scared him. Was it wrong to hope just a little, if only to get through? Isn’t that all anyone could really ask though?
Her legs no longer glued to the ground, she sat next to Adam, placing her arm around him in a gesture of comfort. She rested her head against his shoulder. She wished she could make everything better. She wished she could give him a new heart and for the first time since her decision, she truly regretted being disowned. If she hadn’t been, then she could have helped him. She could have given him the money. Of course, if she hadn’t, then she probably would have never known. She would have gone along her way merrily to marrying Lucien, but Fate had other plans. She wasn’t sure if it was laughing at them or not. She loved Adam more than she ever thought she could love another person, but he was also going to be ripped away.
Her lips felt dry and she licked them before speaking. “If having hope makes you stop hurting and makes you less angry, couldn’t it be a good thing? Does it help you to be a little less scared? Or does it scare you more? Maybe hope is the only thing anyone ever really has. We’re always hoping for something and maybe when we’re not, that’s when we really let go. When we just become walking shadows.” She was rambling a bit and she doubted that she was making any sense, but she didn’t know what else she could say.
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Nic
Don't most of our conversations lead there?
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Nic
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Adam
May 06, 2008 10:13 PM
Fair enough. by Adam
Adam wasn't even aware that Nicoletta was beside him until he felt her arm around him. Normally, if it had been anyone else, Adam would have shrugged off the gesture angrily. He would have seen it as a sign of pity or an attempt to understand. But with Nicoletta, he knew it was her way of being able to give something to him. To give him support that she couldn't give through words. He didn't know why it was different with her. It shouldn't have been any different. It should have made him angry with her. Absolutely frustrated. But, it didn't. It gave the opposite reaction. Which, for anyone who knew their relationship from the start, was a major step in majority."It scares me and it doesn't." He answered her, the rough anger that had been there in his self-pity of a moment was slowly easing itself out of his voice. "If I allow myself to have hope the way my parents have hope. The way the Healers have hope. If I give myself that moment, then I might believe it. I might do something stupid that ends up worse for everyone. And, if I stay with you, isn't that just lying to you in another way? I know that you understand that I'm dying. But do you really understand? Can you really be with me through all of it? Handle it when I no longer can get out of bed because my heart isn't pumping enough?" Adam asked her. He wanted her to say yes, but they weren't really answers that anyone could give.
"And if you decide to keep with me despite everything, leaving you..." Adam paused and looked at the top of her head, reaching up to stroke her dark locks. He had been lucky at fourteen to have her come up and kiss him. He had been lucky that she had been willing to have a relationship with him (albeit a secret one) despite the fact that he had nothing to offer her the way that her fiance at the time could. And he was most definitely lucky that she loved him. Even though they argued all the time. Even though he was embarrassing to her. Even though they were complete opposites. She had loved him. Continued to love him. Even now, when she knew that he couldn't give her a future, when their last moments could possibly break her, she still wanted to be with him. She still loved him. And no matter how hard he wanted to block it al out, Adam loved her. He might not know exactly what that feeling truly was, but he knew how he felt for her.
When he was away from her, he ached. When he was with her, he ached but it was a different sort of ache. She was still with him, still fighting for him, did he really want to let that go just because he was scared?
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that to you." Adam said quietly, looking at the ground, his arms resting on his knees. "I don't even know why I said it. I guess... I just needed to. But, it was wrong to force it on you. I'm sorry." He had never finished his original trail of thought. He didn't know if he could stand seeing the look on her face when she was forced to see him at his worst.
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Adam
Fair enough.
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Adam
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5
Nic
May 08, 2008 6:32 PM
Hopefully, this stays fair weather. by Nic
Light breezes came to play across them, as Adam explained why he was scared to hope. She didn’t really understand how he could do something stupid by hoping nor did she understand how he would be lying to her in another way. Maybe he meant that by hoping, it also meant hoping that they might have a real future together. She wasn’t holding her breath for that. She knew that he was dying. She knew that even if they hoped, she could be disappointed. The chances were against it all, but there were always those one in a million that something good happened to and that’s what she would hope for, that he would be that one in a million.The questions he asked, she didn’t answer. There were no answers. She didn’t know how she would handle it. She didn’t know if she would be able to bear seeing him in bed, so unhealthy, but she also knew that she loved him and that meant being there for him. He would be going through so much more than she would. Yes, she would have to witness it and know that she couldn’t do anything, but he would be one that would be facing that which they all feared and knowing that he couldn’t do anything. If it were her, she didn’t know how she would be able to deal and thought that he was rather brave to have managed thus far.
At his apology, she tilted her head into his shoulder, so that she was still against him, but looking at him. “Don’t apologize,” she told him. There was no need for him to. Bottling everything up was unhealthy and she was more than glad to have been a confidante for him. She wanted to be that for him, even if she had to wait until that pot was full for it to tip. Otherwise, there would be nowhere else for it to go and would only be a cause of trouble. She worried that doing such might speed up the weakening of his heart. It was strange when one thought about it, how connected everything in the human body was to the psyche. If he hoped, then maybe it would strengthen his heart, if only a little bit.
She kissed his shoulder and nuzzled her head gently into it, breathing in his scent. How she had missed it. She curled her arm under his. The bracelet was held in the palm of her hand. She held out her other arm, her delicate wrist exposed. Her answer was given. The words unspoken. She would stay despite everything. She would always stay, just as she always came back to him.
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Nic
Hopefully, this stays fair weather.
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Nic
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5
Adam
May 08, 2008 8:09 PM
...It's a hard call to make. by Adam
"Don't apologize"Hmph, easier said than done. These days all Adam felt like he had any right doing was apologizing. Well, apologizing and being angry. He felt he had a right to be angry too. Maybe not necessarily angry at those around him, but definitely a right to be angry at his predicament. But he was so tired with all of it. Always having to constantly worry about if what he was doing was making things worse for him. Tell the truth or hurt everyone he cared about. Stop doing what he loved to do because he could no longer handle the pressure.
It was all so exhausting. He didn't want to do that anymore. He just wanted to be left alone. Live a normal life. Not feel as though he owed anything to anyone and certainly he no longer wanted to feel guilty for something he didn't have control over. And yet, whenever he saw his parents. Whenever he noticed Dalila entering or leaving a room. Whenever he passed Nicoletta in the halls. Adam always felt as though he owed them all an apology.
Nicoletta nuzzled against him and, without really realizing it, Adam adjusted against her, leaning into slightly into her and enjoying the warmth her body created for him. It had been a long time since they had sat like this, but it felt comfortable and different then when he had been with Dalila. Her hair tickled his arm, but it wasn't an unwelcomed feeling. He wondered how long this peaceful feeling would last between them. Or even for them. Something usually always happened to ruin things for them. His short temper, her history, their naivety with how things were supposed to work. But they had grown up quite a bit since their relationship. Perhaps that would be good enough to keep them together this time around.
His eyes shifted to Nicoletta's bare wrist. For a moment, he wasn't sure what she was trying to convey to him. But soon, his eyes landed on the bracelet and he knew that he had his answer. Taking the bracelet from her, Adam clipped it back around her wrist, solidifying their new found relationship. He didn't immediately leg go of her hand though, but shifted his weight and wrapped his free arm around her and pulled her close. "Try not to to be so exasperating this time around, will ya?" Adam said, grinning at her to let her know he was completely joking and then lowering his head quickly to kiss her before she could get angry at him.
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Adam
...It's a hard call to make.
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Adam
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Nic
May 10, 2008 5:14 PM
It's usually that way. by Nic
A soft smile graced Nicoletta’s lips, as Adam placed the bracelet back on her wrist. Her heart was leaping with joy. They were official. It seemed so incredibly different from the last time they had been together. Maybe this time their relationship really stood a chance. Before, it had been a secret one, full of non-commitments and painful realizations. This time, it was in the open and therefore, there was hope. There was the hope that they had grown enough to not make the same stupid mistakes that they had made in the past.With his arm around her, she cuddled in closer, enjoying how comfortably they fit together. Everything seemed more comfortable, even to joking, as Adam made one about how exasperating she had been. It was a true statement, as she had become increasing stressed about the situation. She hadn’t known what to do when she had started to develop feelings for him. She just couldn’t at that time, because her life had been planned out and she was unable to leave it. She had been only fourteen years old and her life had been being turned upside down. She hadn’t ever been able to convey that though.
She was about to respond to the joke when he kissed her. She let go of his hand and circled it around to the back of his head, her fingers brushing through his hair, deepening the kiss. A breathless sigh escaped her lips when she pulled back. “Kissing me like that isn’t going to make me forget that you called me exasperating,” she teased. ‘But on the subject, try not to storm off so much. There are better outlets…” She leaned forward, closing the gap, and pressed her lips to his. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was one full of promises.
Shifting a bit, so that there was a little bit of distance between them, but not enough that they had to actually part, she moved her hands along his face, touching his nose, his cheeks, the newly forming facial hair. It was soft under her fingers and made him look older, maybe, even a bit dangerous. The thought sent a shiver down her spine. She knew he wasn’t and she was glad of that, but there was no denying the look was utterly appealing. She had no idea how she was ever going to manage to keep her hands off of him, but then she didn’t actually have to now. It was an incredibly lovely thought to have. He was hers and she was his.
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Nic
It's usually that way.
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Nic
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Adam
May 10, 2008 9:02 PM
We have a habit of going in circles. by Adam
If their eyes hadn't been closed, Adam's eyebrow raise at her response would have been noticed. But, instead, they continued to play a nice recital with their mouths. That was just fine with him. He preferred her preoccupied anyway. If he hadn't kissed her, he was almost worried that she might have become angry with him and then they would do their little dance all over again. Now, he wasn't going to say that he didn't enjoy seeing Nicoletta angry, because he did. He loved how her lips pouted when she scowled or the color that came into her cheeks when she was pissed at him. He had seen it happen quite a few times and every time he usually always wanted to push her a little more just to see what would happen next.Of course, it was those fights that had gotten between them and eventually ended their relationship the first time around (among other things), which is precisely the reason why he wasn't going to give her the time to get angry with him. At least, not right after they started their relationship and not over something he was only joking about. Well, sort of joking about. When they were fourteen, Adam really had wanted to rip out his hair when he was dealing with her. Her rules. The fact that she had wanted him to only want her and yet, she had been engaged to someone else and how, to her, that was okay. How she had been one of the priviledged and believed they deserved it. He couldn't stand it and even though he hated everything about it, he still couldn't keep himself from walking away from her. At least, not until that camping trip.
Adam grinned when she finally retorted only to be pulled back into a kiss again. She was still as physical as ever, which was just as well for him. He would have asked exactly what she meant by that, but really didn't need her to say the words. Action spoke louder than words anyhow. She pulled away again and started to feel around his face. He watched her in amusement for a moment. Obviously, he had grown up since the last time they had hooked up, but he didn't think he had changed enough for her to need to remember every detail of his face. "Just so you know, I won't be having this whole 'Trophy Boyfriend' thing with you again. I have a brain. You can't just have me for my body." He was completely joking, of course and his hands proved just that much as they had copied what her's had done over his face...except not over her face. "Hm...impressive. They've grown."
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Adam
We have a habit of going in circles.
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Adam
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Nic
May 11, 2008 11:52 PM
We seem to be doing better. by Nic
Shock. She was flabberghasted over his words. She couldn’t believe that they had been together for a total of only like five minutes and already he was taking liberties. Granted, it wasn’t exactly a new relationship and it wasn’t the first time that roaming hands had come about. The first time had been in the beginnings of their what she hoped wasn’t going to turn into an on/off relationship. At that time, she had quickly cooled down the relationship.Pleasure. Recovered from the shock, she tried to keep her expression masked into one of perfect seriousness, which was difficult given the situation. “I do make sure to take all of my vitamins and drink lots of milk.” Unable to ignore the welcomed feeling, she closed her eyes for a moment in an attempt to regain control while subconsciously leaning forward. Once she felt she had done so, she opened her eyes, her lips formed into a pout. “But I want to show off my trophy. Everyone will be jealous. He’s amazingly gorgeous and has this tendency for making my knees go weak.”
Embarrassment. Her face flushed at her blatant admittance. It had been half of a joke, but that was just the thing, it had mostly been true. No other male had ever been able to produce that type of reaction within her. She wondered how much of it was based off of her feelings for him versus physical attraction. She knew it had to be both. After all, if she didn’t find him good looking, she never would have kissed him in the library, but there were lots of good-looking boys that she didn’t have this type of feeling for, which is where she figured the love aspect came into play.
Guilt. Love and attraction were a lethal combination for a girl of sixteen. She wanted to continue, but now was not the time, not when anyone could come across them. Not when Dalila or Earl could come across them. She felt horrible for both. She knew she wasn’t responsible for Dalila, but she knew the pain of not being with whom one wanted to be with. As for Earl, she was responsible for that. It didn’t matter that she had been honest from the start about her feelings for someone else. She had made the decision to try to lose herself with him, to lose her pain, and in doing so had only caused it. She bit her lip. She wanted to talk to him before anyone knew about her and Adam. She didn’t want to have it rubbed in. It seemed cruel not to be the one to tell him.
Acceptance. No, she wasn’t going to feel horrid about her relationship with Adam. She wasn’t going to let such feelings taint it. If she did, then she would feel the need to hide the relationship, which was exactly what had cost her the relationship the first time. Adam loved her and she loved him. There was nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong with showing how they felt about each other. She wanted to hold his hand down the hall, hug and kiss him. It wouldn’t be right if she couldn’t and to be honest, she didn’t want to not do any of those things. Her mind settled, she cupped her hands around the back of his neck and kissed him. Her lips trailed to the sensitive area of his jaw, right under the ear, before whispering, “Adam Whitney, you are utterly dangerous to the female population.” The after thought was, 'Especially me.'
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Nic
We seem to be doing better.
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Nic
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Adam
May 12, 2008 7:43 PM
Loads better, really. by Adam
Okay, so she wasn't batting his hands away as she had done the last time. That was good. She didn't necessarily look too pleased about it, but she didn't look angry either. That was definitely a step in the right direction. Still, he wasn't about to press his luck either. He waited patiently for Nicoletta to make a reaction to both his words and his hands and, thankfully, didn't need to wait very long for it to come."I guess it's true what they say then." Adam quipped. "Milk really does do a body good." His amused look returned as she responded, both verbally and otherwise, to his jesting. She was still quick with her wit. Something that he had always enjoyed from her, but something they hadn't really been able to share because they had always been tiptoeing around one another.
He remembered last Christmas how careful they had been around one another. Maybe that had been the start of the breaking point for the both of them. Each in relationships, but not completely committed to them as they should have been. Adam had felt completely guilty for spending the time that he had with Nicoletta, but he couldn't stop spending it with her. He had been compelled to be with her. He hadn't any right, but it never stopped him from looking for her. From looking at her. He chuckled for a moment. He never really considered himself good-looking by any means. Not that he had a negative outlook of himself. He just never really gave it much thought before. "Alright, well, you can use me on occassion, if you want me that much."
This felt nice. The joking. It was a good sign, wasn't it? The fact that they had managed to get through this conversation with very little fighting. At least, not enough arguing to potentially ruin whatever they currently had going at the moment. Adam finally moved his hands away from her chest and instead, wrapped them around her waist as she returned to kissing him. He didn't know how they were going to get through the rest if they continued on like the way they currently would. Not that he was about to saying anything to that effect. Instead, he looked rather please as she down his jaw and then whispered in his ear.
"Dangerous, you say?" Adam commented, his eyebrow raising slightly at those words. His face still close to her's, he grinned. "Maybe I should try my luck? Thanks for the lip practice, Princess, I think I'm ready to take them all on now." He waited for her to react to his words. Waited for it. And, just as he saw it come to her, Adam's grin grew wider as he closed the distance and kissed her for a long while. When he finally pulled away, his lips felt numb, but his grin remained. "Maybe not, I could still use some more practice. Besides," Adam leaned back against the bench and ran a hand through his darkening hair. "your feistiness is a total turn on."
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Adam
Loads better, really.
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Adam
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