Valentine Duell
July 12, 2021 9:08 PM
It is good to hear, I hope you know it to [Bonabelle] by Valentine Duell
Bonabelle, her friend, her girlfriend, looked sad and tired. Val was being a bad girlfriend again, maybe she was wrong about all of this, maybe she just wasn't cut out to be someone's girlfriend. Stanley hadn't thought so. Now Bonabelle was... well, Bonabelle was still here at least. She hadn't run away yet. But, she hadn't also answered Val's first question. Did she not want to answer? Bonabelle was proud of her being honest. That sounded nice and all, but not exactly what Val had been hoping to hear. She gave a weak smile back in return. How badly had she messed up again?
Half-listening, Valentine shrank back into the beanbag chair as Bonabelle talked about her name change and immediately regretted it. A flash of horror tore through her as it looked like Bonabelle was moving away from her! She pulled herself back up a look of panic plain on her face, "No! Wai..." It then hit her that her sinking down the chair had just pushed Bonabelle up and away. She felt a little embarrassed at the outburst, but a flood of relief that she wasn't (yet) leaving, and another feeling of.. something as the feeling of relief properly registered. "I'm sorry, I thought...." she stopped herself from giving Bonabelle any terrible ideas.
Hadn't Bonabelle sort of asked her something? Something she could use as a diversion? "I don't have a preference. Val is just shorter, it's not quite a diminutive like Bonny was for you." She sighed, "I'm changing, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know who I am becoming." She looked down towards her lap again, catching sight of some of the slowly emerging curves of womanhood. "I liked who I was, who I am... all I wanted was friends and I have so many now." A brief smile flitted across her face. "But, things are changing and feelings are changing..." She looked back up into Bonabelle's eyes, pausing just briefly at those lips again on the way. "I always figured I'd grow up and be like Mama, find a nice boy like Papa and have a family." Her eyes dropped once again to the brochure they had collected. "I could still do that..." the words came out a bit weak and uncertain, "but, is that me anymore? Would we be happy or would I want something else?" Then as nearly a whisper, "Something more?" That sounded so greedy, like the thing that was good enough for everyone else just wasn't good enough for her. She turned to look back at her longest, most dearest friend. "Who am I?"
2
Valentine Duell
It is good to hear, I hope you know it to [Bonabelle]
1490
1
5
Bonabelle Row
July 13, 2021 12:34 AM
I hope you mean that. by Bonabelle Row
Bonabelle shook her head, wishing she could shake the cobwebs of fear and angst that clearly had gotten stuck in Valentine's head right out of her. Instead, she just smiled. "It's a good thing. You helped make me into more of the person I want to be and you've been there every step of the way. I didn't want to be Bonny, I wanted to be Bonabelle. You were the first person to show me that that was an okay thing to be." It was more than a name change and she hoped that that was as clear to Val as it was to Bonabelle now. She hadn't, of course, recognized that at the time. Truth be told, she hadn't recognized any of it at the time."It's . . . this is hard for me too. I should've started with that. I don't have all the answers. I don't know who I'm becoming or what I want. I didn't really want to grow up to be my mum," she said with a weak smile, "but I wanted to grow up and find the right guy and get married and have babies. It wasn't until I started picking that dream apart that I realized it didn't sound like the dream for me. And . . . I dunno. There are times that I wonder at who I want to be and who that person will want to be with. But . . . right now, I know I like being with you." She let her eyes drop to her own hands then, wishing she'd ever been so brave before and wishing she could be less scared now. "I like you for real, Val . . . not just as your pretend girlfriend for practice. Is that alright? Do you like being real girlfriends?"
She reached out slowly and took one of Val's hands, hoping she didn't get rejected or slapped for the effort. "And . . . I think that if you wanted more . . . I'd be alright with that. Maybe . . . well, I think maybe I might want more someday too. We could have both?" It seemed like a crazy thing to suggest and she thought for a moment that she might have lost her mind. She was definitely going to have to talk to her uncle after this conversation, probably Jean-Loup, and possibly Ema. Not her grandparents. The thought of asking her grandparents about this actually made her sort of want to die in a pie tin and then be baked into Bonabelle pie. And then eaten by a platypus or something. "You're not going to lose me either way, you know. If you wanted to just be friends--" and her voice didn't even shake as she said it "-- I'd still be your friend. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."
22
Bonabelle Row
I hope you mean that.
1488
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5
Valentine Duell
July 14, 2021 9:57 PM
From the bottom of my heart by Valentine Duell
Valentine's smile returned even if it was still a bit unsure. She was very glad to hear that she had helped Bonabelle. She had done something to make her friend happy, and that ignited a small ball of happiness inside her. "It was what you wanted," she replied softly, "How could I have done anything else?" Valentine had been sure of who she had been, but she wasn't at all sure of who she wanted to be.She was a bit shocked at Bonabelle's confession. Bonabelle always had the answers, she was always so confident and sure of herself. So much of what her girlfriend was saying sounded like it should be coming from her own mouth. Not all of it though. Val really, really, really, really wanted to wrap her friend up in the biggest, warmest, most comforting hug that she could manage, but she knew that this may not be the proper time for that. Hopefully soon though. Instead, as Bonabelle took her hand, she squeezed it in return.
"I'm glad," Valentine replied with a voice laden with emotion, "I never want to loose you, I don't want you to go away. But, if you ever need to, I will be behind you 100% and be longing for the time when you return." She certainly did not want Bonabelle foregoing her own happiness to please her. That would be silly.
That part of Bonabelle's revelation had been the easy bit. This time Valentine nervously traced her thumb on the back of Bonabelle hand while she tried to figure out how to respond, how she felt, what she wanted. She wanted Bonabelle, that she knew, but in what way? She looked up from their clasped hands and into Bonabelle's beautiful eyes again. "I like being with you as well. I really like you, I..." she paused again, taking a breath as her words lost to the fighting thoughts and emotions. "You picked apart your dream and found that you didn't like it so much. I... I still like that dream." Her mind briefly flitted back to that experience she had with Heinrich again, "I would like to have a husband and make some babies." The last time she'd asked where babies had come from she'd be five or six and assuming she was remembering correct, her parents hadn't been all that helpful. A boy was needed, there was some hugging? Papa had said something about a stork as well. That sounded weird now that she thought about it again, she'd have to ask them about it.
"You said that if I wanted more, that you'd be alright with that?" It was a clearly a question. This may be the hard part. "As much as I love you, and think that you are one of the most wonderful people that I know..." her voice dropped off as she finished near a whisper, "I, I might need more." Valentine could almost imagine Bonabelle's heart breaking at such a terrible admission. She couldn't believe she'd actually said it, she felt terrible and greedy and just like a bad person. "I'm sorry," she whispered again. Maybe she could try and explain it? Maybe that would make it better? "It's just that.. I'd like to be a mother someday, and I don't think the two of us can do that."
The words then began to tumble out and it was as if she could only watch in horror as they did so without stopping. "I love it when we are alone together in the library or doing our thing in class, when you can be you. But I do also like doing social things, and I love that you are willing do do things like that for me, it makes me feel so loved... but at the same time I feel terrible and guilty for making you do it, and...." She just couldn't say anymore, nearly at the point of tears she finally managed to cut herself off and try and bury her face into the beanbag chair chanting "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
2
Valentine Duell
From the bottom of my heart
1490
0
5
Bonabelle Row
July 23, 2021 11:35 PM
It's hard to see that deep down. by Bonabelle Row
Bonabelle did her best to swallow hard enough that the way her heart beat so much harder at Val's promise wouldn't be clear in the soft part of her neck where her pulse was. It was the vulnerable part of the neck, the touchable part of the neck (if Uncle Killian and Ema were anything to judge by), and thus needed to be protected. Like the way her hand suddenly felt too vulnerable and too touchable, and Val herself did as well. It all had to be protected. So she swallowed hard and pulled her hand out from between Val's, pausing to place it comfortingly on her friend's shoulder before folding it into her other one on her own lap."You say 'more'," she began softly, "and that would be fine." She thought of her uncle again and wondered whether Val thought he should apologize for being who he was too. It made her a bit sick to think of that but she knew Val didn't mean it that way; Bonabelle understood all too well how easy it was to hate yourself for something you didn't mind in other people. "But it sounds a lot like you mean 'instead'. You want something instead of me."
Truth be told, having babies was not even on her mind, let alone whether or not she and Val could make babies together (she knew they couldn't, just for the record). She had a lot of thoughts about the future but none of them had a thing to do with family in any traditional sense. She wasn't sure how to explain to Valentine that she felt no need to be enough, that she was honestly pretty happy to be best friends and sometimes maybe they could see what kissing felt like or something and never even think about marriage or anything like that, but she didn't think Val would ever let that be the case. It all seemed very clear then, that for all that Valentine made Bonabelle feel like she was the center of a perfectly small universe, she also needed her to be. Bonabelle didn't want to be the center of anyone's universe but her own. It was safer that way. She'd be protected. And families weren't worth the risk.
"How about you and me be best friends?" Bonabelle said with a small smile, knowing that sincerity was going to hurt no matter what. "Just like before. Except now we've gotten some practice at dating people, just like we said we wanted. And you can find your dream, and yourself. And I can find a good book. And neither of us has to worry about what that means for tomorrow." There was a time in her life when she'd prided herself on being able to sound like a grown up because it had meant writing nice letters on her father's behalf. Now, it seemed very much like big words were coming out and making her feel small on their way, and it didn't feel so much like pride anymore.
22
Bonabelle Row
It's hard to see that deep down.
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5
Valentine Duell
July 24, 2021 12:23 AM
Maybe you just need to get a bit closer? by Valentine Duell
Valentine looked up as her girlfriend shifted around, with the brief fear that she was leaving. She relaxed a bit as Bonabelle began to talk to her, but looked uneasy at the fact that she had pulled away. Val instinctively wanted to reach out to Bonabelle again, to take her hand or something. But if if her girlfriend didn't want to be touched at the moment, Val would respect that. She didn't like it though. How badly had she hurt Bonabelle by telling her that she wasn't enough? How badly would she be hurt if Bonabelle had told her the same thing? Some maybe? But that wouldn't stop her from wanting Bonabelle from being happy.When Bonabelle spoke Valentine gaped in horror as she felt her blood run cold. "No..." she whispered quietly at her friend's assertion. "How could I possibly replace you?" She continued in a quiet, horrified whisper. "You think I would want to replace you?" A sudden, wild urge surged through Valentine. An urge to grab both of her friend's shoulders, pull her near and plant her lips solidly on Bonabelle's. Without realizing what had happened, she found her hands in just such a position and Bonabelle was getting closer! Something inside her faultered and she turned her head and found herself wrapping Bonabelle in a hug instead. She had failed Bonabelle somehow, she knew it. She just knew it.
Holding tightly to her friend, she sniffed and said in a quavering voice, "M..maybe that is for the best." Bonabelle just wanted to be friends. "I don't know where to look for a dream or myself." She whispered quietly over Bonabelle's shoulder. She had thought maybe Bonabelle would be a big part of it, but maybe she did just want her books. Valentine surveyed the cafe over Bonabelle's shoulder from their beanbag chair tucked safely in the corner, out of the way. Maybe Bonabelle would be happier without her.
2
Valentine Duell
Maybe you just need to get a bit closer?
1490
0
5
Bonabelle Row
July 24, 2021 12:32 AM
I tried that. by Bonabelle Row
For a moment, a tempting, lying, beautiful, horrible moment, Bonabelle thought Val changed her mind. She looked like she had. She even got close like she had. A flutter of nervous excitement had even dared to run through Bonabelle's stomach before turning to ice as the chance turned into the familiar and she accepted the hug from her best friend who was nothing more than that."You're not replacing me if I'm not what you want, Val," she murmured into her friend's hair, quietly enough that her voice couldn't shake. Angrily enough and bitterly enough that her voice couldn't shake, and quietly enough that it wouldn't sound angry or bitter. "You're just trying to find the right fit for you. It's okay if that's not me." A tempting, lying, beautiful, horrible thing to say.
She thought that maybe Val would deny it and that stupid flutter of hope bubbled up again. This time, when it began to falter in the face of disappointment, Bonabelle took an offensive position and went about stamping out every bit of hope she thought was left inside her. If she was only ever going to be a friend and never a family, if she wasn't what someone wanted, then there was no good reason to get her hopes up. She'd been right and Val had been wrong and she'd stick around to be a shoulder to cry on when Val figured that out; families weren't worth it.
"If I find a book that has that answer, I'll let you know," she promised, hoping desperately never to find a book that had Val in it. She didn't think it was one she could bear to read. And maybe that was for the best. Maybe Valentine would be happier without her.
22
Bonabelle Row
I tried that.
1488
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5