All by myself on Library

Sapphire Brockert

August 24, 2020 3:50 PM

All by myself by Sapphire Brockert

CW-Internalized ableism.

Lately, Sapphire had been feeling quite lonely at school. Sure, she had her brother and sister and cousins but...she wanted friends . Or at least one friend. One close friend would be better than a bunch of superficial ones and besides, as she didn't even have one, making more than that would likely be impossible.

Actually, come to think of it, making even one seemed impossible. Nobody seemed interested in being friends with her. Her year group seemed all mostly seperated into their own little groups of friends and there was no place for her in them. And if Sapphire hadn't connected with them before, it was probably too late now. It had been for Angelique. The third year was doomed .

She didn't even have her cousin's advantage of being a more naturally social person. The third year was incredibly quiet and shy, the latter of which made her afraid to go up to people and start conversations and the former of which possibly made her classmates forget she was even there. She did try to avoid attracting attention to herself, partially out of a habit formed by having a psychopath for an older sister. Sapphire had tried to avoid drawing attention to herself in hopes that Topaz would leave her alone. It didn't work, of course, and it was also probably why her epilepsy had gone undiagnosed for years. Though she supposed if she had big dramatic grande mal seizures, it might have been detected sooner.

Plus, she was the only pureblood in her class and it seemed others probably thought Sapphire was awful because of her background and that she wouldn't want to be friends with them because of theirs when she really only cared about it when it came to being married, especially when this was the alternative. Or because she was the one who was different. Probably that. Whomever was the different one was the one left out, no matter what that difference was. It was like a basic and awful law of being a teenager. It had been like that with Angelique and it was like that in books she read. Even though Sapphire probably had more in common personality wise with some people then some of the people they were friends with. She supposed she should just be grateful that she wasn't being bullied by anyone except Topaz as that was what usually happened in books.

Or if they thought she was awful, they thought she was awful because she was obviously Topaz's sister-that was the thing about siblings who had thematic names-and they assumed she was similar when nothing could be further from the truth. Even though Sapphire was also obviously Ruby's sister and the seventh year was basically as good and kind as Topaz was evil and malicious.

The Crotalus would have automatically assumed it was her epilepsy that prevented others from wanting to befriend her, but she didn't think most people knew. She had even stopped Ruby from doing a charity for her condition so people wouldn't find out about it. Sapphire felt a little bad because now her cousin Miles' allergies could potentially be outed but he was only two and everyone here now would have graduated by the time he got to school. Her need for survival was much more imminent. Sapphire didn't want to go from friendless and ignored, to friendless and bullied (by people besides Topaz.)

It was bad enough that she wasn't very bright. Not only did it make the academic side of things harder, but, she was certain,it was the most probable cause of her isolation. Everyone most likely thought she was stupid and simple minded and didn't think she was clever enough to keep up with them.

They were probably right. Sapphire gazed down mournfully at her transfiguration homework. It was probably her best class, because she could do practical just as well as any of her relatives but the theory was beyond her. The Crotalus felt that she was never going to get it which made her just shut down when it came to really trying. Her eyes glazed over just looking at it.

As she was trying to decipher the text-by which Sapphire meant, trying to make herself read on because she understood what some of the words meant, but knew full well she was never going to understand the concepts so it was an effort to make herself try when she was certain it would be futile-someone approached her. She looked up, rather surprised. "Hello?" She said, uncertainly.

11 Sapphire Brockert All by myself 1459 1 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

August 27, 2020 9:18 AM

I'm sorry by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

'Summarize the use of origin spells in partial transfigurations in your own words, and give three examples from your classwork.

Sadie swallowed hard. She had two examples, one that had been listed in the textbook, and one that Professor Skies had made a big deal of pointing out in class. She wasn't sure whether any of the other ideas currently skittering around her brain were good examples. She couldn't tell because she didn't really understand what the question was, which presented a really big problem with the other part of the assignment. Sadie was quite good at regurgitating the right material on cue to go with the right question, but she wasn't great at anything that required her own analysis or insight.

Usually, that level of skill was enough to earn an 'A.' She understood, and could demonstrate that understanding, and usually that was enough. But this, she didn't understand. Therefore she could not demonstrate. She was pretty sure that a badly copied definition with just some of the longer words changed to shorter ones was not going to cut it. She had gotten a couple of 'P's in her first year, both in Transfiguration, and the memory of them haunted her now. They had been embarrassing at the time, and she had no wish to revist that status, but now there was even more at stake. Professor Marsh had been very clear that visiting Jack-Jack out of hours was a privilege, and as such it could be revoked. If he thought the jackelhop was distracting her from her studies, she wouldn't be allowed to continue having access outside of class. She was sure that Jack-Jack was actually helping. She had tried harder on all her homework this year. Her dedication to making sure she maintained her 'A's had actually nudged her into 'E' territory for the first time ever. It had been from Professor Xavier, who she was pretty sure was the most generous marker, but it had seemed like such an impossible barrier until she had broken it. She doubted it would ever happen again. She had no idea how to replicate that success, but it had happened. Here, at the other end of the scale though, was this transfiguration homework. She wondered what she would have done in this position last year. She hadn't liked getting Ps, but when the homework felt hopeless, there had always been the option of giving in and accepting them. Now, however, they were the line between her getting to see Jack-Jack and not. If she failed, she would be letting him down.

She already felt a little bit like she was doing that. He was doing his best and making lots of sounds but she couldn't tell what he was saying, and he didn't seem super chatty, not that that was a thing Sadie would ever hold against him. Right now though, she was specifically letting him down in that he might be waiting for her but she couldn't go and see him until she'd finished this wretched assignment. Sometimes, she took her homework and worked with his company, but transfiguration always made her stressed, and she was sure he got quieter and more fidgety when she was anxious.

So, in both the short term and the long term, for Jack-Jack's sake, she had to get this done and get it right. Of course, knowing that didn't make it any easier. If anything it made it harder. The scale had tipped from incentive to pressure, and she was currently busy arguing with herself about what exactly it was Professor Marsh had said instead of focusing. Had she said she couldn't fail any tests? Any classes? Even if she messed up this one homework, she wouldn't fail her class. What had he said? It was just one stupid homework. Except it wasn’t the homework that was stupid, it was her. She was useless.

She alternated between the page in front of her and Sapphire Brockert for about ten minutes. Sapphire had been nice to her in Care of Magical Creatures when she had been out of her depth. That didn’t mean that she wanted to solve every one of Sadie’s academic dilemmas. It wasn’t as if they’d spoken a lot since. She would probably be bothering the older girl. She returned to her book, staring at the same definition she’d read a dozen times already. On the other hand… Older. She had passed these classes. She had helped before. She was magical and she understood stuff. Would she think Sadie was just using her? Was she just using her? She didn’t mean to be. She probably shouldn’t ask. She was just being a nuisance. She began a sentence by herself, inking the words ‘Origin spells are useful in partial transfigurations because’ carefully onto the page and then drawing a blank. Jack-Jack was probably wondering where she was and all she could see was Professor Marsh frowning when he found out she’d got a ‘P’ and saying 'Not good enough, Sadie' and the words on the page made even less sense than they had before.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, approaching Sapphire. She looked and sounded it too, peering anxiously at the older girl as if expecting to be pushed back. This was a bad idea, and the only thing keeping her standing there was the thought of a little nose wiffling into her palm, all pleased to see her. At least someone here was. And she wasn’t really sure whether it was for Jack-Jack’s sake or her own that she was doing this. He’d probably be better off with a different bunny-mommy. She was useless. But it felt like he liked seeing her, and she definitely liked seeing him. “I’m trying to do my transfiguration homework and-” she swallowed her words, but given that she seemed on the verge of tears it was probably safe to guess how that was going for her.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers I'm sorry 1480 0 5

Sapphire Brockert

September 02, 2020 6:55 PM

What for? by Sapphire Brockert

While Sapphire was surprised that Sadie approached her, she was also pleased. For one thing, she was happy to have a reason to take a break from homework she found difficult. Or that she knew she was going to find difficult and therefore, was terrified to even start contemplating. For another, well, Sapphire wanted a friend so badly and Sadie seemed like such a nice girl . As the second year was not...well, not her obvious polar opposite maybe they would be able to find some common ground despite the fact they had very different upbringings as the younger Crotalus came from a Muggle household and probably did not have an evil older sister or at least the third year assumed the latter because how many people out there could possibly have siblings who were actually that awful?

Although, her father had one as well, but Uncle Eustace didn't terrorized Father the same way Topaz did her because Father was older and her uncle preferred to torment those who were smaller and weaker and while the fifth year definitely enjoyed doing that too, she also seemed to like bothering Emerald and Ruby and getting under their skin and loathed her roommate above all else and the other fifth year had never given Sapphire the impression of someone small and weak.

And what Sadie said to her-and the emotions it seemed to be provoking in the younger girl- definitely suggested a thing that Sapphire could definitely relate to. Transfiguration was hard. School was hard. They both often made the third year feel like crying. Practical Transfig was pretty much her best, like with any Brockert and she was capable enough with any sort of spell work as well as basics that came with growing up in a magical household but figuring out tougher academic concepts honestly scared her. Like nearly on par with Topaz and seizures scared her.

Plus, Sadie seemed so upset, and Sapphire hated to see anyone upset. All too often it had been her that was the one crying, usually because of something Topaz had done or said. She wanted to give the second year a hug and tell her it was going to be all right, except that Sapphire didn't know her well enough to hug her or know if she would be okay with that and did not especially want to lie to her about things being all right because Transfig and everything other class just got harder.

Though, of course, Sapphire did not want to tell Sadie that and make her feel worse. And while the third year desperately wanted to well, bond over having something in common with someone, and hopefully have a jumping off point for a friendship even if it was over not understanding homework, she was also terrified to admit how stupid she was. Sapphire knew very well that it was something to be ashamed of.

At the same time, she really didn't want Sadie to feel like she was alone, because that was a feeling the older Crotalus knew all too well, both in the not having friends sense and in that it never seemed as if her relatives had issues with homework. "Me too." Sapphire replied with a grimace that definitely showed how she felt about it."Are you all right?" Okay that was a dumb question, but she wanted to show that she cared about the other girl's feelings.

11 Sapphire Brockert What for? 1459 0 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

September 03, 2020 4:16 AM

Being useless by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

Sapphire was also doing her transifiguration homework, and by the looks of the face she made, she felt about as happy to be in that predicament as Sadie did. That made a lot of sense, given that Sapphire was an intermediate which had to mean even more difficult homework. In some ways, Sadie was looking forward to moving up to intermediates because there was Jessica, and also all the people she had spent her first year getting familiar with. Familiar didn't mean 'friendly' of course, but it was something. However, she was sure she was going to feel stupid. That made her worry a lot. She wanted to spend more time with Jessica, but she didn't want to look stupid in front of her. That made intermediate classes seem like a bit of a minefield.

Sapphire's homework was probably also extra difficult because it was also transfiguration. Professor Skies didn't seem a fan of using short words when she could find long ones instead, and Sadie thought she was probably the toughest grader - her or the defence professor. Sadie didn't doubt Sapphire's ability though, as the older girl had grown up with magic, and she had been able to help Sadie when things had confused her last year. Also, even if Sapphire found her own homework tough (but, Sadie presumed, entirely do-able still), she had already passed the class Sadie was struggling with.

Sapphire asked if she was alright, which was super sweet, and Sadie felt a little less awful about bothering her. Sapphire was, from her limited experience, the kind of person you really could not imagine shouting. Sadie liked those kind of people a lot. She had tentatively put Professor Wright on that list too. It was hard to imagine a teacher who never, ever shouted, but she thought that the incident between her and Morgan earlier this year must have been a strenuous test of that, and he hadn't yelled at either of them. He had just been super kind and let them both explain and helped them out. The whole incident had made her want to die and melt into the floor rather than make eye contact with anyone in the room ever again, but that hadn't been his fault.

"I'm stuck," she admitted, figuring that was probably pretty obvious already. "And I'm worried that if I just copy what the book says, she'll fail me," she sighed. She thought that most people didn't want to fail or look stupid, so she hoped that sounded normal enough. She wasn't sure she wanted to explain to Sapphire that she'd got a special privilege from Professor Marsh, or admit how much she wanted to keep spending time with Jack-Jack, because both of those marked her as an outsider, or might make her sound like a suck up and a teacher's pet. Sapphire didn't seem mean-spirited but Sadie would rather be safe than sorry.

She half lowered the book, clearly wanting to put it down next to Sapphire but also waiting for permission to do so.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers Being useless 1480 0 5

Sapphire Brockert

September 09, 2020 7:50 PM

I doubt you are, but I understand the feeling by Sapphire Brockert

"Oh." Sapphire replied sympathetically. "I'm sorry to hear that." She knew how that was. After all, she was stuck too! She couldn't even make herself start reading the text because she didn't think she would understand it and felt completely overwhelmed. It didn't take much to make her feel that way. Especially when it came to theory work. Transfig theory was the worst but other classes were bad too. Sapphire felt like she was standing at the bottom of a mountain that she had no choice but to climb, as not climbing it would have dire consequences, but couldn't take a single step because she knew that there was no way she would be able to make it all the way up. She felt like she had been set up for failure.

The thing was, if all Sapphire had to do was the practical side of magic, maybe she could be a decent student. She could cast spells and was pretty okay at growing plants and tending to animals. She only had two classes where she had issues with the practical parts. One was in Potions where the Crotalus had to basically have the instructions in front of her because potions had so many steps and they were hard for her to remember. Sapphire also had an issue with remembering which step she had done last.

The other place she had problems was in Defense Against the Dark Arts. If the third year was simply told to do a spell, she could. The problem was she was not fast or coordinated which were things that one needed to be in that class. Nor was Sapphire good at thinking on her feet, especially in stressful situations-in fact, her problem solving skills were overall lacking-so things like the forest simulation thing in the Mirage Chamber were not going to be places where she excelled, especially with Topaz lurking around ready to fire curses off at her.

And that had been just a simulation! A real situation like that would be even worse! Thank Merlin that Sapphire was unlikely to ever find herself in such a thing. The sort of people who went into real life situations like that one were the sort who were also good at that sort of thing. She was neither.

Unfortunately, theory work was part of school. The third year did not truly understand why because it didn't matter if she knew how her magic worked, she only needed to be able to do it. Even with the practical parts that Sapphire had a bit more trouble with, she didn't necessarily need because she could buy potions and she wasn't going to put herself in a dangerous situation. At least that's what Father told her. Though he might be telling her that to make her feel better. However, he also said that he never used magical theory in his job and the third year wasn't even going to have a job, she was going to be a pureblood housewife and socialite. Therefore she did not need to worry about it. Except, of course, that she did because she needed it to do her schoolwork.

In all honesty, Sapphire was slightly surprised that Sadie was having trouble with her work too. She had always thought that she was the only one who found these things difficult. None of her siblings nor cousins ever seemed to have problems with school. Yeah, last year she had helped the younger Crotalus in COMC, but Sadie had been completely new to magic then. The second year was still probably overall smarter than Sapphire. Everyone was.

Still,it made her feel slightly less alone. Plus, the younger girl was still hovering there. "Do you want to sit down?" She asked. It would never occur to Sapphire that Sadie wanted her help with Transfig homework. After all, why would the second year ask her when Esme was her roommate and much smarter than Sapphire was? "Yeah, I mean, I guess word for word out of the book would be plagiarism and that's pretty much an automatic fail but like, surely we're meant to read the book and know what it says. What exactly is the assignment?"

11 Sapphire Brockert I doubt you are, but I understand the feeling 1459 0 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

September 13, 2020 3:13 AM

Thanks, and I'm the other kind of sorry by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

"Thanks," Sadie smiled weakly as Sapphire offered her commiserations on it not going well. Sadie had always been a bit unsure about the 'a problem shared is a problem halved' type philosophy. Either the other person didn't understand any better than you, in which case two people were confused and in danger of headaches, or they did and... Well, then there was every possibility they were going to laugh or say it was super easy, or something that wasn't really helpful. She appreciated Sapphire being gentle about it.

She also invited her to sit, and to show her the assignment, even if she used a scary word like plagiarism whilst doing so. Sadie had never been totally sure what that was but it had come up a lot of times as a thing she would be in trouble for, so she definitely wanted to avoid it. Based on Sapphire's explanation, it meant copying from the book when you'd been told not to.

She pushed her book over to Sapphire, showing the open homework assignment, and what she had so far. Under the 'examples' part she had included the bag exercise they had done in class, and changing the fabric of a chair without affecting its internal structure.

"I know those are right. Or at least, I'm pretty sure," she amended, the first statement feeling far too bold a thing to come out of her mouth. "Professor Skies mentioned the first one in class, and the other one is what the book says. That's not plagiarism, right?" she added anxiously, double-checking the instructions, "It only says to put it into our own words for the first bit," she added, wondering whether she was about to end up further back than when she'd come over.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers Thanks, and I'm the other kind of sorry 1480 0 5

Sapphire Brockert

September 21, 2020 7:51 PM

Aw, don't be by Sapphire Brockert

CW-Ableism

"You're welcome." Sapphire replied, somewhat as an automatic response to being thanked. She didn't think she had done anything big or helpful but she guessed it was nice to have someone be sympathetic towards you. She'd always thought so. After all, having an older sister and an uncle who were incapable of both sympathy and empathy, who had both called her names on occasion and used very negative adjectives to describe her, it felt good to be treated with kindness when she had a problem.

Of course, because of Topaz and, to a lesser extent, Uncle Eustace, that Sapphire had a hard time sharing with others whom she did not know well when she was having a problem. The Aladren obviously did her best to make Sapphire feel like she was an idiot and put her down and just make her all around miserable, though less so this year because Topaz was focused on torturing Allegra and Ness. After all, the Crotalus hadn't been the one who'd gotten prefect when Topaz hadn't. And Sapphire was sure she absolutely wouldn't be when the time came either since literally the only thing she had in her favor was nepotism and that hadn't helped two of her older sisters.

As for her uncle, she'd heard him tell her father over the holidays that it was a good thing that she was so pretty since she was...well, he'd called her something that basically meant she was intellectually disabled that was so bad that it overshadowed anything positive she could have felt from being called pretty and made Father pull his wand on Uncle Eustace before Uncle Gene, ever the peacemaker, had stepped in to pull them apart. Besides, something about being called pretty by her uncle felt sort of wrong and gross, because he was generally such a horrid person.

Anyway, Sapphire worried that if she appeared not to understand things, to be stupid and incapable and....that awful word her uncle had called her, her classmates would make fun of her too. The problem was, sometimes it was hard to hide, like when they'd done the bridge lesson in Transfiguration. Not that she should have just naturally been able to understand Muggle science automatically when it was something that she'd had no previous experience with but Sapphire had long been conditioned to believe that if she didn't understand something it was because of she was stupid. Topaz and Emerald and Isla would have all gotten it. Possibly even Olaf. Okay, maybe not, because he was only seven but a thirteen year old Olaf would definitely understand things like that automatically.

And now it seemed Sadie wanted her help. Which was still totally puzzling to the third year. Why had she picked Sapphire to ask with all the much smarter people who were here? Although she supposed she could understand why the younger Crotalus had not sought help from one of her classmates given how Sapphire felt about doing the same thing. Sapphire tended to ask Allegra or Ruby when she needed help, because she knew they were nice and wouldn't make fun of her. Maybe it was because Sapphire had been nice-or at least she hoped she'd been nice-and helped her last year? Or possibly because the third year was the first available person that Sadie had come across? Or a combination of both?

"I think it's all right." Sapphire assured the second year. "I mean, Professor Skies is generally okay with the book and in class examples. I think plagiarism is more like, if you're writing a paper and you copy something word for word without citing sources."

11 Sapphire Brockert Aw, don't be 1459 0 5