Jean Wolfe
August 07, 2020 7:43 AM
Running buddies! (tag Killian) by Jean Wolfe
OOC - continued from Elective HallHow many calories do you burn needing bread?
Well, that didn’t make sense. Jean-Loup shrugged the question off with a good hearted smile, hoping that was an adequate response and assuming Killian would explain further if it wasn’t. Life was too short to deal with every single thing he didn’t quite catch in English. The explanation would probably involve some other thing he didn’t understand and then they’d follow up on that and… Dorian seemed to think that was the point of life. To tumble down an endless rabbit hole (and how appropirate, cos he was a petit lapinou) of language. Jean-Loup felt like it got in the way of having the actual conversation to keep picking over its bones. If English had wanted to be better understood, it should have tried harder to be comprehensible. As it had envolved so many natural defences against that, he could only assume it wanted to be left alone.
He was getting the impression that Killian was probably very funny if you could understand him properly. Heck, Jean-Loup would have agreed that he was both fun and funny, and he was pretty sure he was getting a third of the jokes, maximum. He had got the earlier jokes, about hiding bread and looking for muscles, and had grinned appreicatively at those. He hadn’t known what a… something hunt was but had assumed it was not integral.
The most important thing was that they were going running, out in the crisp January air. As they made their way through the corridors, he could practically feel it already hitting his lungs, although it was still even better when they stepped out and it was for real. It was cold and sharp, invading his nice warm body. A lungful of air that really woke you up and let you know you were breathing. You were alive. A pretty important thing to take the time to appreciate, given his chosen profession.
“Slowest man in the group sets the pace,” he offered, reverting to the team practise mindset. Occasionally they raced, but often they stuck together as a pack. This wasn’t quite like that. “This is interesting,” he stated, “I don’t run like this before. I run either altogether in the team, or by myself. Never with…some company,” he managed to find a description, hoping the distinction from ‘with a team’ was clear enough. Although it wasn’t the first word that had sprung to mind. He wondered whether it was just the limitations of his English which meant that the first phrase that had swum to the surface of his mind was ‘with a friend.’
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Jean Wolfe
Running buddies! (tag Killian)
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Killian Row
August 07, 2020 11:28 AM
Did somebody say butties? by Killian Row
Killian had made a terrible mistake. First off, it was cold as heck. In about five minutes, that would be fine, but right now it was just cold. Granted, Ireland was a bit famous for its cold, and he was sort of used to it, but he didn't go running in the cold at home. Really, he didn't go running at all for the most part. He hadn't been exactly lying to Jean-Loup; he did go running sometimes and he did enjoy it. It was just that he enjoyed not running more because WOW was it hard to breathe when you were out of shape and did he already acknowledge the cold enough?He gave a massive shiver and picked up his stride with Jean-Loup as they began their run. "You're going to be running pretty slow then," he warned him, happy he had a few more minutes before his breath was stolen away. He considered Jean-Loup's observation. "I've never run with a team," he said. "Only by myself or with just one or two people."
He used to run with his brother when his brother was on the Quidditch team at Hogwarts. That had been fun, until it wasn't. It had been interesting though to see the impacts of a night or two of heavy drinking when Lorcan had managed to find ways to do that at school. It wasn't easy to get illicit beverages into a Hogwarts dorm, but it wasn't the hardest thing ever, and there was always Hogsmeade and a willing witch or wizard to slip you something they weren't supposed to. When Lorcan hadn't had any success on that front, he could outrun Killian for days, vastly outstripping the younger Row. When he had, Killian was the faster of the two, and certainly had greater endurance. Turned out that a bad hangover doesn't help you run.
Any of the words he might have used to describe this memory were cut off by his heavy breathing, which he had to force into something steadier. He could do this. It was fine. He was a grown heckin' man who hadn't exercised more than bread kneading in a long time, but that was fine. He could do this. He almost laughed as he wondered what other people would think.
"We have to look-- ridiculous," he smiled, not able to get a proper chuckle out while they moved. "I've never-- felt so old-- in my life." They'd made it about a mile before Killian finally slowed down to a stop. He put his hands on his knees and then stood up to drink in some air even though it was cold and stupid. He no longer felt cold but his lungs did not appreciate the cold air. He also had to pee and the thought crossed his mind that if he peed on himself, then maybe he'd warm up, but it no longer sounded appealing. Also, the guidance counselor dropping trou' in the middle of the Gardens, in front of the intern, to pee in a bush didn't sound like a great idea either.
"Do I have muscles yet?" Killian asked desperately, lifting his shirt to check his stomach. It did not have muscles yet. He frowned and returned his shirt to its regular place before scrunching up his face at Jean-Loup, a hint of playful laughter in his voice. "Dear merlin," he said. "I think I'm dying."
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Killian Row
Did somebody say butties?
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Jean Wolfe
August 07, 2020 8:07 PM
I do not think so. by Jean Wolfe
“That will be okay,” Jean-Loup assured him, when Killian said they’d be going slow. It wasn’t like Seekers were famed for their long legs, though they did pride themselves on being nippy. Charlotte could sprint and dart, but across a long run, she was slow. Well, she was probably decent for a small girl, but it still involved him killing a lot of his pace. Still, he didn’t particularly want to think about her right now. “Who do you run with?” he asked.“You do fine,” he assured Killian, as he said he felt ridiculous and old. Admittedly, Jean-Loup was doubting his assertion that running was an activity that he had any kind of familiarity with - at least, on a regular basis. As far as he was concerned, they’d been going at a warm up pace. “Breathe deep,” he advised. It was tempting when you felt like you were running out of breath to go for the short, sharp breaths that felt like a quick reward - you were struggling, after all, no time for a big, slow inhale - but not breathing properly was a self-perpetuating problem.
They hadn’t been going long - they had definitely done less than 2k, even though time-wise they had been running for longer than that usually took him - when Killian slowed up.
“Definitely lose some bread,” he assured Killian when he searched for muscles. Again, in sports mode, guys stripping off was not an unusual occurrence. He noticed that Killian was substantially more hairy than most guys he’d shared a locker room with, and he did find himself wondering a little bit what he looked like with his shirt fully off. But it wasn’t a big deal. Everything felt like a lot less of a big deal whilst you were running. It was easy, it was relaxed.
“No dying. That is… opposite to my job. I will lose my position. And me having position is the purpose of your job, yes?” Admittedly, being bad at his job would probably become a lesser concern for Killian if he was dead. But, given how thoroughly he threw himself into things, probably only slightly. “You do good. Deep breathe,” he advised again, giving Killian a cheerful pat on the shoulder.
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Jean Wolfe
I do not think so.
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Killian Row
August 07, 2020 8:29 PM
That's so disappointing. by Killian Row
CW: Mention of suicide attempt."Lorcan," Killian said, gritting his teeth absolutely just because of the running. "He played-- Quidditch. -- We ran together." He glanced at Jean-Loup out of the corner of his eye. "He played Beater-- at Hogwarts."
'Breathe deep.' Bah. He was trying to breathe bloody deep and his lungs were going to explode and unghhhh why was this so hard. When they slowed to a stop and Jean-Loup commented on his bread-loss, Killian raised an eyebrow. "Like I already lost bread?" he said eagerly, returning his hands to his stomach. This time he took the opportunity to lift his shirt to wipe sweat off his face. "Or you're telling me I need to lose bread?" Normally he tried not to ask clarifying questions from English language learners unless there was a real miscommunication, and this wasn't super important, but it did matter a bit. Plus, it wasn't really very nice to tell people to lose weight, even in jest, so he wanted to be sure he read it right.
Killian wanted to laugh at Jean-Loup's joke but it also hit a bit close to home. They were, after all, here because a young man had tried to kill himself on campus. Killian didn't feel so directly responsible for that as to deserve to lose his job, but he sure as heck hadn't done a good job of it either. Jean-Loup, too, should not lose his job over the death of someone on campus. Or perhaps all of them should? Was that Killian just trying to absolve himself of responsibility? He couldn't be upset with Jean-Loup over that comment when he was the one who made it, however carelessly he had done, and so he brushed those feelings away.
"Breathe," he agreed, walking in a small circle. "Why do you like running so much?" he asked, wiping his face again before running his hands through his hair to shake it out.
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Killian Row
That's so disappointing.
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Jean Wolfe
August 07, 2020 8:59 PM
I think you have a bread problem by Jean Wolfe
“Ah,” Jean-Loup stated when Killian mentioned that he’d run with his brother. That, perhaps, explained why it was something Killian appeared not to have done for a while. For a moment, the conversation lapsed. However, there wasn’t silence. There was the steady pounding of two sets of feet against the ground, and two sets of breathing - one a little more even, and one a little more audible. Pauses didn’t fill up like awkward silences when you were running. Perhaps each person just needed to breathe for a moment, a way they weren’t allowed to in regular conversations. Plus both people were looking ahead, not staring at each other. Talking whilst running was new, but he thought he might rather like it. “There is no news?” he asked gently.“Ah, you lost already some bread,” Jean-Loup corrected himself with a grimace, glad that Killian had clarified rather than walked off thinking he’d been insulted. “Every exercise counts. Every exercise is…. good, yes?” he added encouringly, though his sentence trailed off towards the end. He was pretty glad he routinely forgot words and paused when he spoke. Admittedly the words usually weren’t so basic as ‘good.’ Words like that did not fall out of his head most of the time. But Killian had lifted his shirt further and that had been a tiny bit distracting.
Killian didn’t seem particularly amused by his other quips either. Perhaps he should leave being funny to Killian. Perhaps it was too big a stretch for his English skills. It was a shame because he was pretty sure he was quite funny in French. Still, jokes about people getting fired maybe weren’t super amusing… Or maybe Killian was just out of breath.
He tried not to feel defensive when Killian asked why he liked running. Dorian could be kind of… eh. He didn’t even know what to call it. ‘Harsh’ was too harsh, because Dorian was a little cream puff who couldn’t be mean to anyone. But he definitely thought it was weird and/or pointless. Jean-Loup got that it wasn’t for him, and had decided that Dorian’s defensiveness and aversion to all subjects sporting was yet another hangover from being raised with Matthieu. He tried to hold it against the older Montoir instead of Dorian, which was easy enough to do. And he tried now not to hold Dorian’s attitude against Killian’s question, which he recognised might not be being asked with quite so much baggage. Killian, after all, had also run. Both in the distant past, and willingly right now.
“I feel good,” he answered, “Not just exercise but… You can’t take stress with you to go running. It’s too heavy. So, it means you must leave it behind. Why do you come with?” he returned the question.
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Jean Wolfe
I think you have a bread problem
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Killian Row
August 07, 2020 9:19 PM
I 100% do. But when a cute guy gives you starter, well . . . you make bread. by Killian Row
Killian shook his head and then remembered that Jean-Loup couldn't see him. Good thing, because he felt like a splotchy mess of human. "No news," he confirmed. He wanted to say more. To talk about Selina's husband's offer, to talk about his fears for Bonabelle, to talk about his uncertainty in what he hoped the outcome of all this would be, but he couldn't. Not while running. Not while trying to keep himself together. He hadn't been kidding when he'd told Ellie that his last bout of accidental magic had been well after graduation, when he'd been afraid for his brother. He doubted such a thing would occur now, but he knew that his brother was a sore spot for him and not one he necessarily wanted to poke at when the rest of him - inside and out - was also feeling rather sore.He considered whether he agreed with Jean-Loup's commentary on exercise before deciding that he mostly did and nodding. "Some people exercise too much and hurt themselves," he pointed out. "But otherwise it's good. But so is like . . . not exercising?" He laughed to himself. "You're good for me, I think. I'd be happy to run with you more often if you don't mind me being so slow."
He was grateful for his change of subject apparently being accepted, although he felt a bit bad about cutting his new friend off. That was the way with these things. Either he was cutting someone off or he was getting into something that he wasn't ready to get into, or he was slipping into the role of guidance counselor and not letting himself just be Killian. Right now, he just wanted to be Killian a little bit. And sure, Killian had some greater resources for academic and professional success, and maybe even emotional wellbeing, than did the average man on the town, but that didn't mean he was Mr. Row right now.
Jean-Loup's response about running made Killian smile. "That's why I like it, too," he said. "Or why I used to like it at least. I'll be honest: I don't feel good right now," he laughed. "But on the whole, I do like this. It's better with some good company," he added with another soft smile. "I am stressed though," he admitted, giving into a frown. His gaze found the ground and thoughts ran through his mind that he didn't like, so he raised his eyes some to peer up at Jean-Loup from beneath damp eyelashes. He wasn't ready to look at him all the way when he was thinking things, because he had been told that his eyes were very telling and he didn't want that to be the case all the time. Still, there were things to be said. "I worry about my brother. Well, I worry about my niece without her dad. And I think I am not the only one who worries that I should lose my job because someone almost died on campus," he grimaced. Cocking his head a little playfully, wanting to make sure that this conversation stayed as light as possible, he added with a soft smile: "Under normal circumstances, I'd be much happier to joke about whether or not I should be fired."
Looking around the Garden for a moment before taking a deep breath of the cold air that didn't seem to hurt so much now, Killian smiled a bit sadly at Jean-Loup. "We all do the best we can and hope that other people will know how hard we tried," he said with a shrug. "Like you said, when we run, we have to leave that behind."
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Killian Row
I 100% do. But when a cute guy gives you starter, well . . . you make bread.
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Jean Wolfe
August 07, 2020 9:54 PM
That's not my first thought when there's a cute guy involved by Jean Wolfe
“I am sorry,” he sighed, when Killian said there was no news. Sometimes no news was good news. This didn’t seem to be that kind of situation though. They lapsed into non-silence.“Non-exercising like… lazy morning in bed? Or sitting by a fire? Yes, Dorian thinks like this. He is not incorrect,” he added, grinning happily. Jean-Loup liked doing those things too. Or having not-so-lazy mornings in bed. Or things that involved lying down in front of the fire… But he wasn’t going to say those in front of Killian. “I think there is room for both. I can go run, and then take him his tea,” he added, smiling in a way that definitely said all the things he wasn’t voicing out loud about how he’d be getting back in there with him..
“I will like to run more with you,” he confirmed. They weren’t going to be the most effective exercise sessions for Jean-Loup but it sounded like fun, spending more time together like this. And if he could get Killian started on a proper fitness regime, he would be doing something good for him, which would be a nice way to repay him for all his help.
He felt his stomach clench as Killian explained what was on his mind. And how Jean-Loup had, apparently, made it worse. But the fears that started out sounding rational got less and less logical.
“Who said this?” he demanded, when Killian talked about people thinking he should lose his job, “That is incorrect. Your job is… work, and universities. Not this. Bonnabelle will be good because she has you, and you are… amazing. But it does not make it your responsible to stop everyone feeling bad things. Who tries to make it your fault?”
He rocked a little on his toes. He wanted to run. He wanted Killian to run until the world made sense for him again. Except maybe they’d run as far as Killian could and he still didn’t feel better.
“Do you want more running?” he asked, a little doubtfully. “How do we make you better?” he asked.
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Jean Wolfe
That's not my first thought when there's a cute guy involved
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Killian Row
August 07, 2020 10:09 PM
Well, okay so bread is my second thought. by Killian Row
Jean-Loup's grin was contiguous and Killian found himself grinning right back, nodding eagerly at the suggestions of ways to not exercise. Except . . . well, by the look on his face, he was also thinking of ways to exercise. Killian grinned a little more raucously and found himself relaxing. There was undeniably a small amount of mutual appreciation in his friendship with Jean-Loup, but it wasn't one that either of them - he assumed this was also mutual - would be interested in fostering. Still, Killian had been uncertain as to what the boundaries of that looked like in terms of their pleasures away from their working lives, and he was glad to know that it wouldn't be such an issue here. They had already established that the hotel for lost people would let you sleep with anyone you wanted, so he supposed it wasn't completely taboo before now, but still. Other than the fact that Dorian was still a student at Sonora and thus he felt some amount of obligatory responsibility for him and a responsibility to be grossed out by suggestions of his boyfriend giving him . . . tea, Killian was happy for them both.The fact that Jean-Loup wanted to run more in the future was bittersweet because Killian was absolutely doing it for social reasons, and for the small part of him that lived in the back of his brain and mostly screamed about eating vegetables and stuff. He tried to ignore that part as often as possible. But it was easier to ignore if he did actually eat a vegetable sometimes, or exercised. Plus it would be nice to be in shape again.
"No, no," Killian said, realizing his mistake. "Sometimes I wonder if I should lose my job, and sometimes other people wonder if they should lose their job," he explained. "Other people don't think I should lose my job. At least I don't think they do." He wrinkled his nose at the thought. Jean-Loup was being very kind despite, apparently, a growing sense of unease. More than that, he was looking to run again and he was trying to make Killian all better, a gesture which was very kind. Usually it was only himself and Selina who did that. He looked as fidgety as ever and Killian settled a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," he smiled. "Thank you. That means a lot." Then, with an exaggerated eye roll and a reassuring wink, Killian nodded. "Let's run more," he agreed. This was gonna suck, but it was gonna be okay.
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Killian Row
Well, okay so bread is my second thought.
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Jean Wolfe
August 08, 2020 7:30 AM
Good priorities by Jean Wolfe
Okay. The look on Killian’s face said that he knew Jean-Loup was not talking about tea. Well, not only tea. He would bring Dorian tea, and would bring a coffee for himself. And he also had visions of quiet mornings, with Dorian lazily sprawled in bed reading newspapers from around the world, and complaining about how he was so stupid because there had been a whole three words in his fourth language that he hadn’t understood by himself. And he had visions of mornings that were nothing like that… It was a little odd to think about talking about that. He’d heard guys talk about their girlfriends before in ways that he found tasteless and disrespectful. He had always managed to avoid that type of talk, not wanting to behave that way even when the relationships themselves were fake and meaningless. Now that it was real… He absolutely did not want to talk about Dorian in any way that was vulgar (additionally to that being improper, Dorian was one of Killian’s students) but it was also amazing how tempting it was to just tell the world not only how totally in love with Dorian he was but how very much he wanted to- He was pretty sure that would be crossing a line though. Happily he wasn’t there yet. And It was interesting and new and nice sharing his thoughts with Killian more. And, as he was eighteen, ninety percent of his thoughts revolved around a particular subject, so it was good to know it might not be totally off limits.He muttered something in French, and gave Killian a slightly apologetic grin, but one that really said that - even though it had included the word ‘adorable’ - he didn’t really want a translation. The remainder of the sentence had been decidedly less cute in sentiment.
“Ah,” he stated when Killian clarified. “So, the person who is unkind to you is… you. I am still not pleased by this,” he pointed out, giving Killian a firm poke in the shoulder, “I think very highly of this person you say should be lose his job, and I disagree very much with your logic against him.”
And then Killian was putting his hand on his shoulder, and looking all serious, and, of all the stupid things in the world, thanking him.
“Ah- I don’t. I should be- with you- it’s not,” he flapped his hand, swatting away the praise and the regard, unsure quite how to take them. He knew he was not being particularly eloquent, and he reached out a hand, mirroring Killian’s gesture, wanting to make sure that he knew that the lack of words wasn’t a lack of feeling. He’d been taught how to politely accept a compliment with a genteel ‘oh it was nothing’ but he had never had to do them with ones that were sincere. “But any time you need. If I can, I would help,” he said because that part was easy. It was easy to throw himself into saving other people and making them safer and brighter and happier. Being thanked for it was the tricky part.
“Okay,” he smiled, “More run.” He dialled the pace down to a cool-down jogging kind of pace. The path turned in a small loop just up ahead and it could put them onto a path which would head back towards the school. He wasn’t sure if Killian had spent enough time out to know this, but figured he’d be pleased on finding that, when he started losing his breath again, he was closer to base rather than further from it. If he got a second wind, they could keep going.
“Running does not always work,” he stated, once they were moving along steadily again. “I remember, there was this time when everything got really, really bad. And I would run every day. I would run the most I could and make the most tired I could and it didn’t make it all go away again. So, I came and tried this new thing called believing that someone else would help me. You ever do this?” he asked.
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Jean Wolfe
Good priorities
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Killian Row
August 08, 2020 9:13 PM
Bread AND a cute guy? I'm all about it. by Killian Row
Killian laughed heartily and kindly when Jean-Loup tried batted his hands, the physical manifestation of an internal defense mechanism. He clapped the shoulder his hand was on and grinned. "If our situations were reversed, you'd be thanking me," he pointed out. "I appreciate it," he added to Jean-Loup's offer to help in future. "You're a good man."Then they were running again and Killian was thinking of another good man. One he should probably talk to at some point. His feet pounded on the ground and his heart pounded in his chest and his thoughts pounded in his head until everything else was pounding too loud and he had to stop thinking. Perhaps Jean-Loup was right. It did get easier too, as he found his pace. At first, he tried to match Jean-Loup, but the intern was trying to match him so that didn't work at all. When he settled into a comfortable pace, it was easier to maintain it, and he could trust that Jean-Loup would maintain it steadily enough to keep him on track if he started to get uneven.
Killian listened to Jean-Loup talk with a serious expression, trying to formulate his thoughts about what he was saying until he turned it around and Killian laughed. "You know, I don't try that-- very often," he admitted. "But I am glad that-- you do try that. It works?" he confirmed. He could feel that he was less out of breath now, which was weird since he had run further. Pacing was important; that was a lesson he could take to heart outside of exercise. "Who does the helper-- go to for help?" he asked playfully.
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Killian Row
Bread AND a cute guy? I'm all about it.
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Jean Wolfe
August 09, 2020 5:46 AM
Complex carbs and complex feels by Jean Wolfe
“Maybe,” Jean-Loup acknowledged, when Killian said he’d thank him if the positions were reversed. It was always hard to imagine that sort of thing. He was sure that if the positions were reversed, enough would be different that things wouldn’t be comparable.As for Killian’s other compliment, there wasn’t much you could say to that. Quite literally, in that the complement itself had induced a lump in his throat that it was hard to get the word out past. It also wasn’t something he was willing to try to deconstruct. It had always been the general goal, and it was nice to know that he had, in someone’s eyes, made it.
“Thanks,” he said, a little thickly, very glad they had running to return to.
“Last time, it works very well,” he acknowledged, when Killian asked how going for help had worked out for him. “I am thankful that I tried it.” He wondered briefly whether he had been too obscure, whether Killian had understood that he meant him, seeing as he surely already knew the answer to whether or not it had helped. However, his last comment confirmed that he did, and that that had perhaps been more humour. “This is where we have trouble,” he admitted. “You can maybe talk to yourself,” he suggested, “But you will have to promise to be more nice next time,” he was mostly joking. Well, he hoped Killian would go easier on himself - would give some of the kindness and clear advice he was so able to apply to others to himself, but he didn’t want to count on it. “You have someone?” he asked, not entirely sure even as he asked it how he meant it. Or rather, he was very well aware of one of the implied meanings of his question, and a little curious as to its answer, but glad that there were other meanings to hide behind if that was crossing a line. Of course, Killian didn’t need to have someone in that sense in order to be looked after. A friend could do the same. But having someone special was different, and nice. Admittedly, it didn’t seem like it worked quite like that for Killian, but he deserved to have good people around him, whatever that looked like.
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Jean Wolfe
Complex carbs and complex feels
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Killian Row
August 10, 2020 6:20 PM
*glares at feels* I'm calorie counting. by Killian Row
"Oh, I talk to myself," he promised with a grin. Then he sighed (for a given value of sighing whilst running) and nodded. "You're right though. -- I should be nicer to myself." What would that look like?Killian didn't think of himself as particularly hard on himself. Sure, he always pushed for his job to be done better and more thoroughly, and he had been surprised that Selina had been checking on him personally since he had not taken the time to do that for himself, but that was a low-level of non-niceness, right? Jean-Loup's concern was that Killian wasn't being nice to himself because he wondered whether he should have a job when he had missed signs of distress in a student, but that was true, wasn't it? Of course, he wouldn't have said so to Selina. Selina was still an excellent Headmistress, regardless of whether she'd noticed signs in Felipe. If he thought that of a woman who had arguably been much closer to the situation than he had, he should extend the same grace to himself, right? Why was it different?
Of course, he knew the answer. The answer was that there was another brother lost to his own mind and Killian wasn't really blaming himself for Felipe. How many times had Killian tried to pull his brother up out of the muck and how many times had it failed? How much damage had he done by effectively giving up on his brother, unknowingly on Bonabelle, and leaving them to their devices for the entirety of his niece's life so far? What if this wasn't repairable? The question then was which Row sibling was at risk of hitting the ground, and Killian had taken the responsibility for breaking the fall either way.
"I have you, don't I?" Killian asked, taking the easy out with Jean-Loup's question. He was not pretty sure that was not what the intern was asking though, and Killian understood why. They'd batted around the topic of relationships and romance for most of their conversation and it was a pertinent part of both of their lives, albeit in a more tangible way for Jean-Loup. Unfortunately, romance was normally something Killian spoke about in euphemism, which was probably not helpful with an English language learner, so he sighed again, prepared to be a bit more blunt than usual. "I'd say I'm friends with -- some of the other staff members," he began, working hard to control his breathing so he had as few interruptions as possible. "If you're asking about relationships -- that's harder to answer." Getting that out was important because Killian wasn't about to lay out some information about his personal life only to find out he had misread Jean-Loup's question after all. If he wasn't already flushed from exertion, he would have blushed. "There is someone or two someones-- that I would maybe like to -- not just be friends with," he added, embarrassed.
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Killian Row
*glares at feels* I'm calorie counting.
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Jean Wolfe
August 10, 2020 10:18 PM
Man cannot live by bread alone by Jean Wolfe
Jean-Loup smiled as Killian agreed to be nicer to himself. He was sort of surprised that he needed help in that area, as he couldn't see any reason why Killian shouldn't think well of himself. The ways he was different never seemed to have disappointed anyone else, unless he hadn't been entirely honest about his parents' reactions to his sexuality and preferences. It didn't seem like he'd get anything other than a glowing performance review for his work either. From where Jean-Loup was looking, Killian was a pretty awesome person to be. Funny how that didn't always translate to what the other person saw... And he had to admit they were all in a pretty terrible situation right now. He hadn't really been here long enough to feel the same kind of attachment or responsibility to the students as Killian did, but he could see how that might feel. If the same thing had happened with someone he felt close to... If it had been Freddie... As someone who had had a conversation about something deeply personal with Freddie, he thought it would be different, and that it might actually be his fault then. And he was pretty sure Killian would still stop him from trying to beat himself up."This whole situation... Having bad feelings are probably the right feelings. It is bad. But maybe keep them apart. Feel the bad feelings without putting them on you. It does not have to be anyone's blame or anyone's responsible. It can just be a thing that does suck and we are all sad for," he suggested. "Make sense?" he checked, because he was not totally sure he had formulated that thought from beginning to end before starting, or whether he could have summarised it succinctly even in French. He was more or less speaking two unfamiliar languages at the same time right now.
Killian had him. The question had been ambiguous, so Jean-Loup decided to assume that was purely in the sense of those who helped the helper. Hr was happy to put himself in that box.
"Yes," he confirmed, "Though right now, maybe I am hurt you," he teased, eyes sliding over to see how Killian was managing with the jogging.
The guiance counselor did open up a little more though, about other types of relationship. Jean-Loup felt a little glow in his chest. It was a Dorian feeling, but it was not a Dorian-exclusive feeling. It was the same thing he had felt when protecting Charlotte, or when Katey said 'I think you can handle this.' It was the feeling of being trusted, and it was absolutely one of his favourites.
He was surprised to find that Killian found relationships complicated. Again, he seemed so confident. He wondered how much he was welcome to ask, but they had come this far. He also trusted that Killian could stop the conversation if he didn't want to have it, and that he wouldn't be mad at Jean-Loup if he had to do that. At least, not in any long lasting way.
"Why hard? They do not want?" he asked gently.
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Jean Wolfe
Man cannot live by bread alone
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Killian Row
August 11, 2020 4:08 PM
But on the word of man. *fingerguns* by Killian Row
Killian smiled. "That makes sense," he agreed. "It's just not easy to do."He chuckled at the idea that running was hurting him, mostly because it was absolutely true, but he thought there was more to it than that. Jean-Loup hurt him because he made him think too much and talk too much and feel too much, but that was a good thing. It was all for the best. He just had to believe it. It was a bit like ripping a bandage off a wound before it had healed, only to find out that you'd used the wrong sort of bandage and you had to pick tissue out of the wound. "Sometimes, hurt is good," he smiled. "Means I'm still human."
Jean-Loup's question was a good one. Why was it so hard? There was of course the question of whether it was even appropriate, considering both of the people who had caught his eye were coworkers. One of them was one he knew much better than the other but did that make things harder or easier? Or harder with one and easier with the other? But which one?
"I don't know if they want," he admitted, frowning. "I . . . casual is easy for me. I don't know if these people want casual. Or if they'd be open to . . . me." It was easier than saying he wasn't sure whether they liked men, or that he wasn't sure if they liked being with someone who was with other people too, or if they liked him as a human. He was pretty sure that Jean-Loup would understand. He hoped he would.
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Killian Row
But on the word of man. *fingerguns*
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Jean Wolfe
August 15, 2020 7:07 AM
Or like... kisses and stuff. by Jean Wolfe
He had made sense! With talking in English about complex thoughts and feelings! It was a serious subject, and thus probably not an appropriate moment to fist pump the air and cheer but he gave himself a mental high five. They were also real feelings that were happening now, and maybe, hopefully, that meant he’d also just said something that would be useful the next time Killian felt like beating himself up over this. It was, as Killian had said, hard to do, but hopefully the reminder made it just a little bit easier.“If you become concerned that you are becoming not human, you should definitely come and see me and Katey,” he stated, pretty sure that Killian was joking, but also that maybe he wasn’t. Probably he was not concerned about any of the literal manifestations of that which Jean-Loup might have been able to deal with, but he hoped he’d be of some use with the non-literal too. Katey too, if she wasn’t already- If she wasn’t already Killian’s friend. But maybe she was. Maybe she was the friend he wanted to do more than friend things with. Running through the staff, it was either her, Marsh, or both of them as he’d said more than one. Or he wanted to go after someone much older and/or married.
He tilted his head, listening carefully as Killian explained the issue, and also belatedly remembering that Grayson Wright existed, and was possibly not that much older than Killian although he seemed it. Jean-Loup was sure he was an excellent teacher (he looked very serious) but he did also seem like he had all the personality and sex appeal of wet carbboard. The fact that Jean-Loup had been able to forget he existed sort of reinforced that. But back to what Killian was saying. It was a little confusing. Jean-Loup had, once upon a time, thought casual was the best way to resolve his own dilemmas, but that had been because he wanted something and had assumed he wouldn’t be able to have anything more than that. Why was casual good for Killian? What was holding him back? Or did it just not work to get serious because of the multiple people thing? That was still confusing, if he was honest.
“I think some things I don’t understand,” he admitted, not because it seemed like they were integral at this point but just so that it didn’t come back to bite him in the backside later - there were unimportant non-understands (words, references, slivers of information that could be left to wash over him because they were just throw aways) and then there were important non-understands - things that were either integral to keep the conversation going, or to at least flag up because they were clearly important to the other person. They didn’t always need elaborating on then and there, it just needed to not be a surprise if it came up again when there was more time and space. For this, he thought he understood enough to keep moving, and it was just a warning that he might have lost some of the details. “But it seems like the answer is talking with them. Most worst thing that can happen?” he asked.
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Jean Wolfe
Or like... kisses and stuff.
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Killian Row
August 18, 2020 10:14 PM
Also kisses and stuff. by Killian Row
Killian laughed. "I'll keep that in mind," he promised.He thought as he ran, mostly because he was talking. He couldn't help thinking when he was talking, which made it hard to stop thinking. Or perhaps that was what Jean-Loup had meant all along. Running, it seemed, could be good for problems because you either ran them out of your head or you ran them out through your mouth.
He thought about what he wanted and why and then he pushed those thoughts aside.
"Worst thing that can happen," he repeated, considering. His mind turned to his brother, as it so often did these days. Then to his niece. Then to the people that he thought maybe he could care about if they let him. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "My first thought was like . . . I could be fired. If they were bothered by me talking to them about it. Or they could hate me. Could make working awkward. I'm not sure. It's sort of nice to think of the maybes. If I talk to them, then I know." He frowned. "But I guess . . . then I know."
He looked at Jean-Loup sideways. "What would be worse? Not knowing either way? Or knowing and finding out that it was a no?"
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Killian Row
Also kisses and stuff.
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Jean Wolfe
August 29, 2020 7:17 AM
Yeah, go get those by Jean Wolfe
"Ah, for this I think you go talk to Mr. Row," he stated, wrinkling his nose when Killian talked about being fired. Was that a risk, if his colleagues didn't welcome his advances, or was it just an imaginary worry that had got itself into his head? Jean-Loup was not an expert there. He thought Deputy Headmistress Skies seemed nice, and open minded. She had been willing to take a chance on him after all. However, he wasn't totally sure. "Don't do danger," he advised.Killian posed him an interesting question. Was a no worse than not knowing? He thought about himself, alone in the darkness and reaching out to Dorian. But that felt different - 'no' for him would have left him with nothing on the horizon, nothing to hope for. It was also impossible, much as he was trying to separate it out, to believe that a 'no' would not have come with a whole host of problems, of worrying he would be outed. To make a move on someone was to open up the risk of the whole world knowing what he was.
"You don't care if people know you like guys?" he clarified. "If you don't have a danger, I not understand why you will not tell," he gave the best assessment he could manage of the situation.
"If there is a really bad worst, like be fired or have humiliation, then I understand. But worst is that you will have to hide in your office, not talk to people?" he guessed, "You do this already," he shrugged. He had called for Killian a variety of times of day and almost always found him in. In, and buried up to his eyeballs in paper with ink stains half way up his wrists. It was hard to see what the difference was if the outcome was throwing himself into his work. "Best version, you get..." he was not sure how to phrase that exactly. Too technical, and he would sound comical. He was not sure he knew any casual terms for what he was getting at, but even if he did, he would not have risked them without knowing exactly where they sat on the scale. He knew he didn't exactly have to be formal with Killian but he didn't want to be outright vulgar instead. Lacking any suitable word, he merely clicked his tongue suggestively to finish his sentence.
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Jean Wolfe
Yeah, go get those
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Killian Row
August 30, 2020 6:34 PM
But from whom??? by Killian Row
Killian laughed at the referral to his own office. "Sorry," he said. "The guidance counselor is out right now.""I don't mind if people know I like guys," he confirmed. Jean-Loup made a good point, both in terms of considering whether there was really any danger, and in terms of seeing Killian as a person who mostly relegated himself to his office anyway. He laughed loudly when Jean-Loup didn't say anything suggestive. "I think the worst danger is I make them uncomfortable, either because they aren't open to me liking who I like or because they feel bad turning me down, and then working together is awkward. I don't want to put that on someone else. But--" he copied the clicking sounds "--would be super great," he admitted, blushing a little. "You know, despite the time I spend in my office, I'm very much an extrovert. I love being around people. I would hate to make other people uncomfortable."
They rounded a corner and Killian signaled for them to take another short rest. Pacing in small circles to keep from cramping up, he considered. "If somebody asked you out and you weren't interested, but you still had to work with them after that, you'd feel bad right? Is that worth the risk?"
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Killian Row
But from whom???
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Jean Wolfe
September 05, 2020 5:53 PM
That's up to you by Jean Wolfe
Click-click would be pretty good. Jean-Loup did not voice any agreement with this statement, even though he felt pretty sure it would be. However, Killian knew the person he wanted to click with, so it seemed a little more vulgar to say so. In some senses, it was less abstract, because Jean-Loup had an actual person and they would both know who he was talking about (even if he had pretty good guesses for who Killian had his eyes on). In another sense it was more abstract because any assertions that Jean-Loup made about it would be purely hypothetical. He was pretty sure that he could agree, based on the evidence he'd gathered so far, along with the fact that Dorian was just so damn clickable... He wondered whether Killian was someone he could get advice from on that front. It definitely felt like a weird subject to bring up with someone, and he wasn't about to do it here and now, but it would be good to have someone he could talk to, of it was possible to do so without them both dying of embarrassment.He tried to run Killian's scenario through his head. It made sense, on paper, but it was so many worlds away from anything he had experienced.
"I have a boyfriend," he shrugged, "So anyone asks me out, I can reject and not be personal." He knew he was supposed to be putting himself in Killian's shoes, or in these prospective colleagues' shoes, but it was hard. He didn't have colleagues right now, after all. He was in a strange middle zone, where he was all by himself.
"Sorry, I lack imagination," he concluded, "When I ask out Dorian it was like... Maugris, I hope he's gay too. Otherwise, I maybe get a lot of trouble. Maybe just be very lonely. I would be scared to see him, me the asker," he admitted, "But I think... I would not think about his thoughts, other than whether he will do a bad thing to me.
"If he was gay but not into me..." he considered the possibility, "I think I would just be confused. Wow, that sound- " he mimed his head inflating. "I don't mean that way," although he was hot, and he knew it, "Just at home... everything is so secret. No one else is like us." And now he was making it sound like he and Dorian had started dating because they had had no other options. Whilst possibly technically true, that wasn't really what he wanted to say either. "I am too used to a small world with big consequences," he shrugged.
"If they are friends, or friendly, they like your company. It seems like if they change their mind about that, they are not such a good friend anyway?" he tried to reason, even if he couldn't quite see the situation Killian's way. "But any rejectionis always upset," he acknowledged.
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Jean Wolfe
That's up to you
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