I owe you a lot of apologies [Zara.] on Labyrinth Gardens

Felipe De Matteo

August 27, 2020 8:55 PM

I owe you a lot of apologies [Zara.] by Felipe De Matteo

CW - Mention of suicide attempt.

A week had passed since . . . his conversation with Mara. Felipe was doing better. He'd talked to Jessica. He'd gone back to classes. He was surviving. That was a big step in the right direction, but it wasn't enough. He and Zara hadn't really talked about it yet. That was fine by him, but he also knew it wouldn't be fine forever. They had to talk. He had to apologize. After all, he'd tried to kill her boyfriend.

He'd asked her to meet him in the Gardens after classes one evening and she'd said she would, which was great. He wanted to get ready and make it perfect, but he wasn't really sure there was anything he could do to that end. Instead, he merely resigned himself to being exactly who he was - mussed hair; dark, tired eyes; and bubbles rising up in his chest, all full of anxiety, nervous energy, and a surprisingly strong urge to make out - and waited for her arrival.

His conversation with Jessica had gone a long way in showing him that he was not healthy. It was actually the conversation that pushed him to be a bit more honest with Dr. Greene, although he wasn't ever sure he'd be completely honest with her. Still, it was good. It was all good. Immediately after it all happened he'd thought the lesson had been that if he wanted to survive, he needed to do better at keeping his feelings to himself. It seemed that the opposite was true: if he wanted to survive, he needed to get his feelings out in a healthy way, before they tried to kill him by his own hand.

The Gardens were especially beautiful now. Spring was coming and Felipe was here to see it. He wanted to wrap up all the budding plants and hold them tight, except that would kill them. He wanted to wrap up Zara and hold her tight and he really really hoped that wouldn't kill her. Near the fountain, there was a patch of grass that grew a particularly interesting variety of moss that changed color depending on all sorts of factors that Felipe hadn't been able to identify yet. Today it was purpleish. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground, enjoying the way the little bits of flora felt against his fingertips when he heard someone approached and turned to greet them.

22 Felipe De Matteo I owe you a lot of apologies [Zara.] 1434 1 5

Zara Jackson

August 28, 2020 8:35 AM

Yeah, you do by Zara Jackson

They were both back. Zara had actually gone home for a couple of days during Felipe’s hospital wing stay. She clearly wasn’t in a fit state to go to class, and it seemed like no one thought that rattling around the dorms or the library by herself was going to do her much good. She’d told him before disappearing, so that he wouldn’t think it was personal. She guessed everyone assumed they were both off sick, and she wouldn’t be surprised if everyone thought there was mono going round.

Coming back had felt very heavy. At home, they were all shocked, and whilst there were murmurs of ‘poor boy,’ they were mostly concerned about her. There were people to soothe her tears, hear her worries, and to make that the most important thing in the world. She could say what she thought and not be wrong. Now she was back, and talking to Dr. Greene - who, for all her other faults, did actually also listen to what Zara had to say about things. She just had all these rules for controlling which of them Zara said to Felipe. She could understand why, but it still felt strange and unnatural to keep filtering her thoughts so much. To have the right to have an honest and open conversation taken from her by the fear of what he might do. And how long was that going to go on for? Was this just their lives now, forever? Was she always going to have to keep her fears and her negative emotions to herself for fear they were going to make him take a dive off a cliff? Except when her thoughts went that far, when she pictured that happening again, she felt sick and panicked and wanted to do whatever it took to make that not happen. Even if she hated doing it. It was a lot. It felt like a bunch of thoughts and feelings that didn’t totally go together, and she wasn’t even convinced that Dr. Greene could deal with all of it.

Felipe’s request to go into the gardens felt so normal. So normal it was strange. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been around each other since. Zara had paired with him in a lot of classes. More than usual? That was hard to say. He was her closest friend as well as her boyfriend. She didn’t have that many other people she spent time with. (She wondered how much that crossed his mind whilst he was busy worrying about making up with poor Jessica who seemed to have made it her mission to recruit every single girl in their year to be in her little gaggle. Felipe acted like she was so alone without him. Zara would never have admitted that she would be the one who would be on her own without him, because that would mean admitting that Jessica was doing better than her socially, but her lack of acknowledgement over that didn’t stop her resenting his short-sightedness over that fact). She had also hovered within earshot any time she hadn’t worked directly with him, not sure whether she didn’t trust him with himself or the rest of them with him. Still, class was a place to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, not have your own. So, here they were.

She found him sitting staring at some moss. Because of course she did. It almost made her smile because it seemed like such a him thing to be doing, but then he had seemed like himself right up to the point that he’d decided nothing was worth living for, including her. So maybe she didn’t know jack.

“Hey,” she said softly, not sure whether to smile or cry or hug him or slap him.

13 Zara Jackson Yeah, you do 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 28, 2020 9:55 AM

I'm sorry for abandoning you. by Felipe De Matteo

"Hey," Felipe replied with the smallest hint of a smile, practically jumping to his feet when Zara appeared. He wanted to wrap her up and kiss her face off, or else just hug her until the expression on her face changed, but he wasn't sure she wanted that. They'd talked when he'd been in the Hospital Wing still and she'd said she wanted to be with him then, but he was pretty sure Dr. Greene wouldn't have let her choose that moment to dump him anyway. The lingering worry that maybe she was just waiting for the right moment clung in his chest like mucus. At the same time, he didn't want to suggest it and push her to break up with him, especially if she wasn't considering it; there was no doubt she wouldn't take to that well either way. Also, he didn't actually want her to break up with him. "You're pretty," he told her, feeling shy and going with what came to mind first. He probably sounded like a moron, but at least he was an honest moron.

His hand came up to run through his hair almost automatically and he cocked his head at her. "Would you like to walk with me?" he asked, offering his arm a little bit so she could take it if she wanted or she could pretend she hadn't seen it if she wanted to save face - his or hers - and not take it.

As they meandered the Gardens, a lot of things came to mind to say, and none of them were very good. Frustration built up as he considered that this was simultaneously nice and also really awkward, and that it was awkward because of him. It was his own stupid fault.

"Zara, I'm sorry," he said softly, finally giving in to the sensation that he had to at least try. He pulled them to a stop and turned to face her. "I'm so sorry. And . . . also thank you. For being there."

22 Felipe De Matteo I'm sorry for abandoning you. 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 31, 2020 8:25 PM

Are you going to do it again? by Zara Jackson

“Thanks,” Zara smiled, when he called her ‘pretty.’ And it was almost like normal. She would have liked to say it was - watching him jump up and be pleased to see her. Except she could feel that she was smiling slightly differently than before. She was smiling sadly. She was confused about how he could be pleased to see her when he hadn’t even wanted to be around anyone ever again, and whether it meant that he didn’t mean any of this. Or he hadn’t meant what he’d done? They couldn’t both be real, so which one was?

“I would,” she confirmed when he asked if she wanted to walk with him. She linked her arm with him. She wanted to walk and be happy and for it to go back to normal.

He apologised. She took a breath, trying to process it. Not that Felipe had never apologised. He apologised far too much, and she always said it was okay, and that he didn’t need to. Right now she was trying to remember what Dr. Greene had said about apologising. She shouldn’t make him, she knew that much. But she hadn’t. He was just offering her one. In general, you accepted apologies but was she supposed to do something different with this one? It was easy enough to listen to Dr. Greene and agree to her checklists and suggestions, much harder to apply them online in a real conversation. She was so used to being able to just say what she thought. Though what did she think? Did she accept that apology, or would she have had she been sure that was on the approved list of behaviours?

“You’re welcome,” she nodded in response to his thanks, placing her spare hand on his arm even if it made walking a little awkward. It squished her closer into his side and made her believe he was real and solid. “I’m glad you’re still here,” she said, deciding to try one from Dr. Greene’s book and see how it went. It was definitely true too.

13 Zara Jackson Are you going to do it again? 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 31, 2020 10:03 PM

Not if you don't want me to. by Felipe De Matteo

It was so unbelievably frustrating to feel like he was holding on to Zara and that Zara was beyond his reach at the same time. Felipe felt like he had his hand pressed against one-way glass, and he knew Zara was on the other side, and if he got close enough, he could see her there, but a contorted version of his own reflection got in the way of actually reaching her. Her hand on his arm and her closeness did help though. Perhaps it was just their breath fogging up the glass, but he really felt like her warmth was mingling with his.

His stomach tumbled sickeningly when she said she was glad he was still there. Most of it was guilt, and he blushed hotly, averting his gaze. That being said, things had been going well with Dr. Greene and he was pretty sure he could respond truthfully now without making it worse. "Me too," he replied. It felt good to say out loud. "I'm sorry I didn't . . . see that before."

Since they were stopped and facing each other, he couldn't actually get very far averting his gaze, and it soon returned to her face. Her soft, beautiful, sad face. He placed his free hand gingerly against her cheek. "It's so so hard for me to believe you could . . . want me," he finished, feeling awkward when a different sentence almost came out. His voice was quiet and full of awe, if tempered some by fear. "I want you," he added softly, in a voice of defeat. It didn't cross his mind that Zara might blame herself or wonder why she hadn't been enough or any other perfectly human reaction to these things, simply because Felipe didn't understand why anyone would feel that way when it was clearly his own fault. He was the one who wasn't good enough, and he had, in his own way, hurt Zara by wanting her even when he didn't deserve to be with someone like her.

22 Felipe De Matteo Not if you don't want me to. 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

September 02, 2020 8:24 PM

I want things back to normal by Zara Jackson

He was glad to be here. That, at least, was some relief. And he apologised again, for not seeing that. The question that rose in mind was one that was on Dr. Greene's forbidden list... Sticking to her recommendations had helped so far in this conversation, and Zara wanted to do the right things - she wanted to help. It was just so weird to constantly run across these conversational roadblocks, and she was scared that Felipe would be able to tell too. He knew her, and he would know that she was thinking but not saying things, and what if he made up his own versions of what was inside her head? In spite of how much evidence she had plied him with to the contrary, she had a feeling that his conclusions wouldn't be very nice things about himself. Plus, wouldn't it weird him out? It would weird her out if someone just started acting completely different.

"Dr. Greene keeps telling me I shouldn't ask 'why,'" she compromised. "It feels weird not to. I mean, I guess... it might be hard for you to explain. And I don't want to make things hard for you," that was true, even if she couldn't quite take it as far as saying she didn't feel owed some form of explanation. "But then not asking... I'm worried you'll think I'm not asking cos I don't care, or cos I don't want to talk about it. You know that's not true right? That I care, and that you can if you want?" she checked.

But then he was touching her cheek, and it all felt so much closer to 'normal' and part of her wanted to lean into that. Especially when he said he wanted her. Some things were a lot less complicated than talking, and maybe 'not complicated' was good right now... She had to admit she was a fan of both things. Talking, and doing other things with their mouths. And she just wanted to make him feel better.

"Or not, if you'd rather do something else?" she offered, raising her eyebrows a little, pretty sure they both knew what the alternative was.

13 Zara Jackson I want things back to normal 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

September 03, 2020 12:35 PM

Can we make a new normal for us? One where I don't hate myself? by Felipe De Matteo

Zara had always been the sunshine to Felipe, but perhaps that wasn't fair. Perhaps she was a sunflower. Her personality was big and bold and fierce, and full of warmth and light, but she was still a flower, fragile and breakable if Hurricane Felipe came through too hard. He shook his head, stopping himself just shy of interrupting to assure her that he knew she cared, that he knew she wanted to be there for him. He stopped himself because it was rude to interrupt, especially when someone was opening up about their feelings, but it worked out because it also just felt so good to hear. A sunflower blossomed in his chest and he felt warm for the first time in what seemed like a long time. He also wasn't sure he could answer the question of why. He could describe intellectually the feelings he'd been experiencing, the beliefs he'd had or had, but he couldn't really explain the why. As Leonor had said, why would someone who had everything be so utterly disappointing as to attempt to kill themselves? He didn't have an answer for that, try as he might. It bothered him less than he expected to hear that Dr. Greene was censoring his conversations with people; she was right most of the time and it was encouraging to know that she was helping him down from his own cliff while also giving Zara the words to say what she wanted to say without hurting either of them by accident. At least, not hurting either of them anymore than this whole thing already hurt.

"Thank you," he said softly, feeling very warm and very cold all at once. "It's . . . part of me knows you care. I think it's my gut. But my head tells me that you couldn't possibly. That I'm not--" He paused for breath. "You're my sun and stars," he said softly. "I couldn't imagine the sun looking down at this whole beautiful world and thinking I was worth spending time with. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around." Even the good things hurt. Even the nice things hurt.

There was something that didn't hurt though and Felipe felt himself get excited at the offer, his heart beating notably faster. Despite everything, Zara still did want him. And she was so beautiful. "Something else," he nodded, his voice coming out in a low, rough whisper. The hand that wasn't on Zara's cheek moved almost instinctively from being joined with hers to her waist, undoubtedly wrinkling her shirt as he clutched at her, pulling them together. It was good to feel something that was very much not like what he'd been feeling. His other hand dropped from her cheek to meet his other, until his arms were wrapped around her entirely. Both of his hands were more than happy to think of other places they might like to go but this didn't seem like the appropriate time or place to try anything like that. He was a bit surprised by the force of want that rose up in his stomach, but he was careful to be mostly gentle with her. Without thinking - it had suddenly become very difficult to think - Felipe pressed his lips against Zara's, enjoying the sensation of firmness and softness that came with open-mouthed kisses. He pulled back then, mildly out of breath, and asked in a hoarse whisper: "This is okay?"

22 Felipe De Matteo Can we make a new normal for us? One where I don't hate myself? 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

September 11, 2020 5:04 AM

Oh yeah. That'd be good by Zara Jackson

He knew but he didn’t know. Zara guessed that was preferable to hearing that he just knew, because that would have been a frustrating disconnect from what had happened. It wouldn’t have provided any clue or any explanation. Still, it kind of made her want to knock his head against a tree because what did she have to do to convince him? She knew it didn’t entirely work like that but she didn’t like the idea that you could be good, loving and kind and it could still not be enough.

“Much as I like being admired like the heavens,” she grinned, her tone conveying that this was definitely not something he should feel obliged to stop doing, “I was still made of flesh and blood last I checked. Don’t you think it’d be lonely, glittering all the way up there in the sky, and never getting to know the people who admired you? I like being here on Earth, being close enough to hear those things, and say them back. You’re alright too, y’know,” she complimented him back, figuring that the understatement was both funny and about all his fragile lack of ego was going to be able to take.

Zara really wasn’t sure how to fix any of the things that were wrong. Maybe patience? She kind of felt like she’d tried that, and it was getting a little old to keep telling Felipe she wasn’t mad at him and she did like him and all the rest. But luckily, that was a dilemma for a different time, because he wanted to do something other than talk. His hands sliding around her waist were a strange blend of normality and vitality. This was what they did, what they always did, but it felt so good to have that. If Felipe was anything like her, his brain switched off when they were doing this, or at least it stopped thinking in words and started thinking in sensations. Which she thought might be good for him right now.

“Can we get off the main path?” she asked, tugging at his hands when he asked if it was alright. It was very alright. But it wasn’t going to keep being so out in the open...

13 Zara Jackson Oh yeah. That'd be good 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

September 13, 2020 2:02 PM

Whew. by Felipe De Matteo

Felipe blushed, first because he felt bad for having made Zara feel alone in the sky, pushed away in his attempt to admire her, and then because she thought he was alright too. He didn't really feel very alright. He did find that he liked her compliments a lot though. Would she . . . give him more if he wanted? That seemed like such a terrible thing to ask, but it would feel really good to hear.

"Alright, huh?" he asked, aiming for humor when his real emotions couldn't find their way safely out of his mouth unescorted. "I'm glad you think so." He toyed with a number of options, of trying to pry more nice things from her lips because it just felt so damn good to hear, but he didn't go that route. It was too hard to force himself to ask. Instead, he settled for what he could maybe believe about himself and accepted 'alright' as the truth for right now. "I like when you say stuff like that about me," he added, not wanting her to think she was on the wrong track either. She did a lot to help guide him in what she liked or how she liked things, and he wanted to return that openness and transparency, even if it felt odd to do so.

She kissed him back and it felt perfect. "Yes," he said too quickly when she asked about getting off the path. He was pretty sure they weren't about to do the sort of things they'd done over the previous summer at his house, but he was entirely not opposed to doing those things. When he was thinking so little with his brain as he was in those sorts of moments, he probably wasn't opposed to doing other sorts of things too. He followed the tugging on his hands grabbing onto her as soon as she gave him an opening to do so. The fire in his chest made thinking very very difficult and that was a nice change of pace. There were probably things he was not supposed to be thinking because, as he had said the previous summer, he was supposed to be a gentleman. Perhaps those thoughts could be thought and those doings could be done in a gentlemanly way, though? It didn't really matter right then; he just wanted to remind himself how it felt when their bodies were pressed up against each other.

22 Felipe De Matteo Whew. 1434 0 5