Reichenbach on Hospital Wing

Felipe De Matteo

July 28, 2020 10:42 PM

Reichenbach by Felipe De Matteo

CW - Suicide, suicide antagonism

Felipe woke up with two urges in his stomach: one to fly, and one to scream. They subsided as he left his pre-sleep memories and began to acclimate to the present moment, his eyes still closed. His neck ached something wicked but he was otherwise comfortable, laying in a bed made of rough hospital blankets, with sunshine pouring in from a window that was open despite the crisp January air outside. He was, it seemed, alive.

Before he opened his eyes, he took a moment to figure out why that was. Beside his aching neck and a stiff back, he seemed in good shape. There were no immediate injuries that stood out as paining him so deeply as to be a bother, although he knew that with magic, that didn’t mean there hadn’t been any or weren’t any right now. Still, the worst of it seemed to be behind him.

Stale anger and fear mingled with self-loathing but the primary sensation was exhaustion. There were other feelings there too - guilt, shame, anxiety, disappointment, and, to his surprise, gratitude - but exhaustion took first place. It wasn’t the same exhaustion as before, however. For a while, he had experienced an exhaustion that made everything else seem impossible. Now, though, he was just done. He had given up, and was ready to sleep it off, or at least to sleep until he was sent back to class.

Class. That idea brought a new wave of feelings. One of them was surprise: it had been a long time since he’d really felt that concerned about what the next day had in store. The other was fear: what was the school going to say? What did they know? What about Zara?

His eyes flung open and he sat up quickly, suddenly very alert if not for the pounding in his head and ringing in his ears that accompanied such a swift motion. He pressed the heel of one hand into his forehead and closed his eyes again, grimacing at the sensation. When it cleared, he opened his eyes again and found that he was not alone.

With wide, angry eyes, and a furious snarl, Leonor was sitting at his bedside. Her face was blotchy, with puffy reds and baggy blues making her look like some feral version of herself. Felipe searched her face with no expression on his own, unsure what to say. Still, he thought he ought to say something, and opened his mouth hoping to figure it out before his voice started working, when Leonor raised a finger and closed her eyes with a hiss. Then a sigh. Then she opened her eyes and her mouth and glared at him.

“You are the dumbest, most selfish, most self-centered person I’ve ever met, big brother,” she told him in low, harsh Spanish. Her eyes became wet then, but her expression never changed from rage. “I am so disappointed in you. I’m disappointed to call you family. What’s wrong with you?”

Felipe gaped. That wasn’t the sort of thing he expected to hear out loud from anyone else, but especially not his sister. He remembered what Mara said about Leonor’s reasons for dating Jeremy, then, and he withdrew. This was not someone he could let hurt him anymore. At least, he couldn’t let her know she did.

“I’m disappointed in you,” he replied softly, sounding much more sad than Leonor had. “You could do so much better.”

“You had everything! You stupid, stupid boy. You had everything and you threw it away once. Now what? You’re going to throw away your scraps? You’re useless!” Leonor’s voice rose from a hiss to a snarl and then almost to a shout. She paused to glance over her shoulder for the healer before pushing herself from her chair with a scrape, and leaning towards Felipe. “Figure yourself out, Felipe,” she said scathingly before leaning back and, looking incredibly like their mother for a moment, made a disgusted sound in her throat and walked away. Felipe was pretty sure she wiped her eyes as she did so, but it didn’t help: he was alone.

Perhaps, for just a little longer, he wouldn’t try to feel any better. Laying down again, he found that he couldn’t sleep on his back. Despite the pain in his neck, he curled on to his side and did his best not to cry as he gave back in to the urge to sleep.

When he woke next, he was feeling a bit more normal and he realized that the effects of calming drafts and sleeping potions must be wearing off. He was grateful for them, in no small part because he only vaguely remembered the sensation of hitting the ground, as if it had happened in slow motion, and he was sure that he'd be the owner of a wicked headache if not for the response of whomever had acted as quickly as they had. He remembered them too. The voices of people talking and the feeling that maybe if he just kept his eyes closed, he wouldn't have to respond to any of them. It had been mostly effective, but the sound of approaching footsteps made it clear he was no longer going to be able to escape confronting what he'd done. Or tried to do.

22 Felipe De Matteo Reichenbach 1434 1 5

Lillian Greene

August 04, 2020 5:38 PM

The story will go on. by Lillian Greene

Today, Lillian reminded herself, was not one of the bad days.

When she had first gotten the letter from Selina Skies, she had thought it might be a bad day. Her first thought had been about the second student client she had been making arrangements to start seeing this month, a girl trapped in an appalling family situation; her second had been about the boy who was already her patient. She thought the latter was more or less stable at the moment – not altogether well, not by a long shot, but stable – but it was impossible to be sure until she was on the scene, in the midst of the crisis.

Well, now she was on the scene, in the midst of the crisis, and the center of it was not either of the students whose names had flashed through her mind as she had hastily gotten ready for the day, given James and Claire quick kisses goodbye, and Flooed into the school. It was another boy, and he had tried to kill himself.

It was not an easy thing to confront, even as a professional. Nathaniel Mordue’s file had the box ticked about being at some risk of suicide or self-harm, but while he had been on the brink of nervous collapse when Lillian had first been given his case, he was more or less stable at the moment – not altogether well, not by a long shot, but stable. He still regarded life as something more to endure than to enjoy, but his anhedonia had lightened somewhat, and he seemed…resigned to endurance, rather than actively resenting it. Apparently, at least one of his classmates was not so fortunate.

As soon as she had gathered the basic details of the situation, she had gotten to work taking control of it – had they stripped down his immediate surroundings? Nothing sharp, nothing he could try to choke on, nothing he could tie a sheet to, all the furniture was fastened down so it couldn’t be moved? Where was the boy’s wand? Everyone who went in needed to hand over theirs, too, along with turning out their pockets and removing anything that might be easily removed from their person; anything that went in, needed to be accounted for in full when it went in and when it came out. Were they using restraints? Sedatives? Sedatives, then, not a bad choice, so long as they were religious about the checks, every fifteen minutes for now, and she was currently inclined toward keeping him here under watch for at least seventy-two hours, preferably in a separate room, given the extreme lethality of his attempted method and the commitment that implied, though she’d make a final decision after she evaluated him….

It was the beginning of what she expected was going to be an intense week or so of work. She would have to try to find time to send James a note explaining that she couldn’t come home, and asking him to bring her some more clothes, as she only had the one spare set perpetually in her handbag just for occasions like this. Her mouth was asking questions and giving orders, her hand writing answers, and her mind making lists, mostly of people she was going to need to speak with. Selina, for two reasons – one to report what she legally and ethically could of her determinations, two in order to feel out how well Selina was coping with what she had witnessed. The Healer and her assistant were both very young, and this was not easy even for someone who had seen it before, so more assessments, if lower-priority at the moment. The boy had a girlfriend and a sister; at some point, those people would need to be sat down and spoken with, most likely, and the parents weren’t outside the realm of possibility if they came up from Mexico. Would it be overkill, having a word with the Heads of Houses of the girlfriend and the sister, too, in case they were traumatized by what their loved one had done? If she did that, then she might as well speak to all four Heads of House at once – separately from the other conversation she needed to have with Selina – that wasn’t a bad idea, actually, on its own; she had patients in three out of four Houses now, one marked as suicidal and the other having just attempted, it was possible something was out of balance here, or that the staff were too involved in their own lives (she understood there were two married couples) and not enough in the students’, or just that they didn’t know what signs to watch out for….

It was a daunting prospect. Already, it was a difficult day. But the boy was alive, and not even seriously injured. With any luck at all, he would pass the cognitive function exam with ease, which would allow them to get to the real work. It was going to be difficult work, for both of them probably, with no guarantee of success, but as long as he was alive, there was a chance he could recover. Something terrible had happened today, but not a needless death, and therefore, it was not one of the bad days. With that thought in mind, she was able to center herself, detach from her emotions to an extent, and go check on her new patient, whose sedatives ought to be wearing off about now. Finding that this was so, she nodded in greeting. “Hello,” she said.

She took out her wand to draw herself up a comfortable chair, which had the additional advantage of giving him a few seconds to take the measure of her: a tall woman in light blue robes, with masses of light brown hair currently pulled back into a neat, professional French twist. Other than her button pearl earrings, her appearance was completely unadorned; normally, she might have worn a bracelet and definitely would have worn a small gold fleur-de-lis pendant on a matching chain around her neck, but she had locked these up outside the room along with everything else that wasn’t strictly necessary, the better to set a good example for the rest of the staff. She sat down on her chair, and studied him with soft brown eyes.

“My name is Dr. Greene,” she said. “What would you like me to call you?”

She knew his name, of course, and had done for a few hours, but she found with anxious patients that it could be helpful to let them make a determination – was she allowed to use first names, or would they (as her pureblood clients sometimes did) prefer Mister or Miss So-and-So? Or was the patient someone who went by a nickname instead? Such patients generally felt powerless, trapped by circumstances; allowing them even the small amount of control involved in picking what name to use with her could, she believed, help with forging a therapeutic alliance.

“Thank you,” she said when he answered. “Now, will you answer a few questions for me?”

The next few hours were going to be hard, as much for her as for anyone else. The next few months might well be difficult as well. But it was not, she reminded herself, a bad day.

16 Lillian Greene The story will go on. 0 Lillian Greene 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 04, 2020 9:25 PM

It's an adventure. by Felipe De Matteo

Felipe was alone again. He'd been asked lots of odd questions (the first of which got a surprised blink and "...Felipe?" because that was his name, what else would she call him?) and had a lot to think about. It made him feel a bit better that he seemed to be doing generally alright, but a bit worse that it was such an ordeal that people thought he must be having lots of other problems. Plus, he was going to be monitored and couldn't have anything around and that was annoying. He wasn't about to do anything foolish with a bedsheet, for goodness' sake.

He had not told Dr. Greene that Leonor had visited already. It turned out that his sister had managed to sneak into the Hospital Wing - or else been politely ignored as his sister? - and he was sure now, knowing that Dr. Greene intended to check in with any visitors he had, that that would not have been allowed, especially since she'd been awful. Felipe had hesitated to accept any other guests. He wasn't sure he was ready to tell Zara, but he couldn't put it off forever and he did really want to see her. Plus, if Dr. Greene was going to be talking to his guests first, then he knew he wouldn't be the first one to tell her. Was that better or worse? He was pretty sure he was a coward.

His feelings, then, were not totally stable, and he'd been as honest as he could be with Dr. Greene about that. Yes, he was happy to be alive still. No, he didn't actively want to hurt himself. No, he wasn't sure that that was anything more than the survival instinct that made him glad to be alive when he really wasn't sure about that still. That being said, seeing the ruckus he'd caused made him feel worse and he was torn between the desire to see it through more effectively, and realizing that he'd made a mistake. He'd hurt people. He had a big mess to clean up and Dr. Greene seemed to think that maybe she could help him. In the end, all he wanted was not to feel this way anymore. He'd tried one route, and he was up for trying another. It turned out that trying another required a lot of steps between being not okay and being okay and, hopefully, one of those steps included Zara not hating him or hexing him.

Between Dr. Greene leaving and Zara's visit being requested, Felipe had time to think. He came to the conclusion that he had to be understanding if she wanted to break up. It was the only logical conclusion for her. There wasn't any good reason to stick it out with him at this point, especially when he was bound to be a mess for a while. Possibly forever. Like . . . he'd already been a mess. But it was all out in the open now. 'twas the way of things, and he couldn't blame Zara for not wanting to put up with that. There was a good chance that he was just telling himself that to prepare himself for what he believed was inevitable, though, and not because he actually thought it was best. Even if he did think it was maybe best for her, he really really really didn't want it to happen. He'd trade all the kisses he might have had forever just to keep Zara in his life.

So he sat, and waited, and hoped, and prayed, and tried his very very hardest not to think.

22 Felipe De Matteo It's an adventure. 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 06, 2020 7:37 PM

I seem to remember we were meant to have those together by Zara Jackson

Everyone was a horrible, horrible liar. First there had been Mara, calling Felipe screwed in the head. Then there had been this Dr. Greene person, telling her- Zara had just refused to believe her at first. She didn’t want it to be true, and it sounded so wrong. Maybe Dr. Greene wasn’t lying, of course, because she had no reason to, but she had to be mistaken. Just like Mara was mistaken, or trying to be mean.

Except, if it was true, how had Mara known and she hadn’t? If Felipe was screwed in the head, she was pretty sure it must be Mara’s fault. She’d admitted shouting him into submission the day before. She had described him like that. If she’d seen him acting ‘screwed in the head’ it was a result of what she had done. And so was this. And that would explain why she had seen it and Zara hadn’t.

She had been sure to let Dr. Greene know this.

She had been talked to a bunch. She had been told some of her thoughts were wrong or not helpful and that she shouldn’t say them to Felipe. She was playing nicely with Dr. Greene because apparently she had the power to decide whether or not Zara was even allowed to see her boyfriend. That in itself was enough to get under Zara’s skin. Dr. Greene was a convenient manifestation of everything she did not want to be happening right now, and deciding that the woman was all kinds of awful was a lot easier than letting herself feel those things about the situation.

Now, with tear stained cheeks, she was standing next to Felipe’s bed. He looked weirdly fine. Of course she knew he hadn’t really got hurt in the process but it was strange thinking of so much being wrong and there not being a sign, not a scratch on him. Not that that was the only mark of wellness. He looked… She wasn’t even going to try to guess what feelings those were going on behind his eyes.

She went to open her mouth but she had been robbed of most of the things she wanted to say. What the heck were you thinking? and Don’t you care about me at all? chief among them. ‘Hello’ seemed way too normal given that nothing here was. So she just looked at him, fresh tears tracing the tracks of the last set.

13 Zara Jackson I seem to remember we were meant to have those together 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 06, 2020 8:00 PM

There are probably other people more worth adventuring with than me. by Felipe De Matteo

Zara looked beautiful because she always looked beautiful, but now it was different. What was it called when the sun was out during a rainstorm? When the sky was full of drizzly light and it felt squishy and wet and uncomfortable and sort of sad, and all the flowers opened up to drink in the light, only to find themselves soaking instead? Apparently it was called your boyfriend tried to kill himself, and it came with a hefty dose of guilt and . . . regret? He wasn't sure whether he regretted the attempt or regretted that it failed just then, and that bothered him. What he wouldn't give not to have to see Zara like this.

He pushed those thoughts aside because he wasn't supposed to have them anyway and focused on the beautiful, tear-streaked sunshine that was gleaming at him from just above where he was laying. Just looking at him. Another thought occurred to him, something he didn't want to say but would mean if he did. Three words that did not belong in this moment and, because of this moment, may never belong anywhere at all.

His voice crackled when he finally opened his mouth and what was going to be an explanation comes out broken. What reason could he give? "I thought-- I th--" He wanted to reach out to touch her. To wipe her tears away and make everything all better, but he couldn't. He had put them there in the first place. And whatever explanation, whatever reason he was going to try to provide suddenly crumbled in his mind as he realized how wrong he'd been. Because the person he cared most about in the world was crying and he'd done it to her by trying to leave her behind. Part of him still thought maybe that wasn't it. Maybe she was upset at the thought of death in general, not at him specifically. But she was here. And, somehow, he was, too.

He blinked to clear his eyes but it didn't help, and silent tears fell. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so so sorry."

22 Felipe De Matteo There are probably other people more worth adventuring with than me. 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 06, 2020 10:00 PM

That's not your choice to make by Zara Jackson

He was apologising?! Zara was torn between whether to be mad at him for doing this in the first place or mad at him for apologising now. The answer was probably ‘yes.’ This whole situation just made her want to scream. But he was also crying, and he was sorry - that meant he hadn’t meant it, right? It had still been stupid and he still shouldn’t have done it but if he hadn’t meant it then it wouldn’t happen again.

“It’s not your fault,” she stated, moving forward to hug him, if he’d let her. Dr. Greene had spouted a load of stuff about complex factors and this not being simple, and Zara wondered whether she was going to let her get away with saying that. It seemed to pass the censorship test though. Dr. Greene probably thought it wasn’t Felipe’s fault in that it was some inner demon or chemical imbalance in his brain or whatever professional term she wanted to give to dissociate his negative thoughts from him as a person. Zara definitely meant that it was Mara’s. It was some external piece of problem that could be fixed and then everything would be fine.

“Why did you let her get to you so much? What did she say?” she asked. Maybe she was straying into forbidden territory here, but she just wanted to make it make sense, in a way that made it as much as possible not Felipe’s fault. He hadn’t been mean and selfish and tried to leave her. He had been bullied and tricked. A part of her was mad for him letting it get to him so very much, but for now she could direct the energy outward and elsewhere.

13 Zara Jackson That's not your choice to make 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 06, 2020 10:14 PM

I thought it was. by Felipe De Matteo

Zara moved forward to hug him and Felipe accepted eagerly, moving quickly to embrace her pull her as close as he could and hold on as tight as he could for as long as he could. He scooted over to make room for her on the bed if she wanted to sit/lay with him. His crying was much less silent for a moment as he slowly worked to accept the fact that she wasn't running away from him yet, and that she wanted to be close to him. That was far far better than he thought he deserved, and definitely not what he'd expected, even from Zara. Did that mean he should pull away? Make her go away for her own good? No. Stop that! He pushed those thoughts aside, too.

He was confused though when she said it wasn't his fault. Of course it was his fault. He was weak and stupid and pathetic. He'd given up. How was that not his fault? He blushed a little when it clicked though, because then Zara used a pronoun. He hadn't realized their conversation had been public knowledge, although Zara wasn't exactly public. Still, he wouldn't have expected her to be the one to go running to Zara to tell her what went down between them. She was usually the height of privacy, especially when family was involved.

"I don't mean to," he grimaced, not sure how he was supposed to answer her first question. "I want her to like me, and I just keep messing it up." He frowned, considering the second question. He wasn't sure Zara would like to hear the details of that particular conversation. He hadn't even been sure whether she'd want to know it had happened, although apparently that was out of his hands now. Probably served him right. He just wondered if she'd tell Je-- well, that was out of his hands, too. "That I'm dumb, selfish, and self-centered," he said softly, breaking eye contact. It was only the second or third time he'd ever done that and if it always provided this much relief, he thought he might do it all the time. "She was disappointed in me for 'throwing away' my birthright," he added, his voice thick with feelings about that. "I don't think she'll try to talk to me again for a while now though," he added, gesturing limply at himself in a hospital bed.

22 Felipe De Matteo I thought it was. 1434 0 5

Lillian Greene

August 07, 2020 7:43 AM

We all have the right to choose our adventures and who we adventure with. by Lillian Greene

Lillian had had reservations about allowing the girlfriend in so soon, and these had only intensified after her sit-down with Zara Jackson. The child was clearly in distress – as was only reasonable under the circumstances – and to a degree in denial. She might well end up needing help getting through this herself, and at the moment, it was possible she could do both herself and Lillian’s patient more harm than good. Her emotions were too raw, her receptivity too low. She’d said she understood that her focus needed to be on offering support, but had still been visibly far enough from composure that Lillian had opted to sit in on the interview.

She had hoped to become essentially part of the furniture, silent and easy to overlook, while the young people talked, but all too soon found herself leaning forward after Zara did one of the things she was specifically not supposed to do – specifically, blaming Felipe for his condition, though it was possible that Zara didn’t realize that was what her statement did – and Felipe began adding new, disturbing details to her picture of the situation.

“Whoever said that to you was very wrong to do so, Felipe,” she said. Zara had made specific allegation of bullying with a name mentioned, in her first reaction to the news, but there would have to be an inquiry, speaking to everyone involved separately, all while trying to maintain Felipe’s privacy…that was going to be a headache. Luckily, it was not entirely her headache. She’d get to share with the Heads of Houses. “You are neither dumb nor selfish.” Unfortunately, it was not at all uncommon for suicidal patients to create a belief that their loved ones would be better off without them; it was one of the things that made dealing with a patient like Nathaniel Mordue difficult. With that one, she was constantly trying to find the via media between helping him see the flaws in his thinking which interfered in his relationships and being careful not to shake his apparently deep-set conviction that his existence was necessary to his relations….

“But,” she added gently but firmly, “it’s not your fault if you felt hurt when someone said hurtful things to you. That’s a perfectly natural human reaction.” She hoped Zara picked up on the implied correction. ‘Why’ was rarely a question it was wise for the family and friends to ask, especially this soon; they did better simply to stick with statements. I love you, if appropriate. I’m sorry that you feel this way, or that it’s come to this, or whatever you feel right now is okay. If there was going to be a question, the best one was how can I support you? She decided to use such an expression herself to hopefully jog Zara’s memory of appropriate things to say. “Just remember that you aren’t alone, and that it’s okay not to be okay right now,” she added, and sat back again.

16 Lillian Greene We all have the right to choose our adventures and who we adventure with. 0 Lillian Greene 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 08, 2020 6:49 AM

Right. So, I get a say in who I want to be around. by Zara Jackson

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Zara soothed. It was hecking well not okay. What the actual screaming flip was happening?! She tried to focus on the feeling of Felipe wrapped in her arms. It wasn’t possible that he had shrunk since yesterday but it somehow felt that way. He was all insubstantial and he smelt wrong and she didn’t like any of it.

’She was disappointed in me for throwing away my birthright.

So you just decided to throw away your life too? but before Zara could utter that response, Dr. Greene was cutting in. Zara glared slightly both at the general principle of their conversation being monitored like this, and at the fact that Dr. Greene saying all the things she was gonna say. She might have chosen less gentle words for it, but it was her job to tell Felipe not to listen to stupid people and that he wasn’t a waste of space and all the rest. Okay, she didn’t actually fully believe that he hadn’t been selfish. She was kind of mad at him for not thinking at all of her, but she could have recognised without the lecture that that maybe wasn’t a super helpful thing to say. At least not right now. She did kind of want to know what future he saw in their relationship given that his ideal vision involved no future whatsoever. She obviously wasn’t going to get away with asking any of that in front of Dr. Greene though, even though it was both important and none of her business.

“Right, screw her. You don’t owe anyone… If she’s being so antagonistic, what could you possibly owe her? If she doesn’t like you, that is her problem, and she doesn’t get to bully you and call you names and make you feel like this. What does your business even have to do with her anyway?” she asked. Throwing away his birthright? What kind of stupid snit was Mara in? She’d just said she was mad at him for spreading her business. Well, she had lied, surprise surprise. Maybe she was bitter about the fact she was never going to inherit Arvale, so much so that it made her think she had a right to be harsh on Felipe for the choices he had made.

13 Zara Jackson Right. So, I get a say in who I want to be around. 1444 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 08, 2020 1:15 PM

You're sure you want me around? by Felipe De Matteo

Felipe blushed a little, embarrassed when Dr. Greene interceded in the conversation. He would really strongly prefer she didn't, but he also understood why she probably had to. As Leonor had said, his parents would undoubtedly find out about all this at some point, and he couldn't help wondering what they would think of Dr. Greene. He really really hated to think about that conversation and he wasn't sure whether his parents would be more disappointed or devastated.
Certainly his mother would be upset, but his father? He wasn't sure. Would they make him see Dr. Greene more regularly? Could she fix him? He pushed those thoughts aside in favor of appreciating Zara's soothing, and he closed his eyes to just bask in feeling like maybe he did matter.

He frowned again though when she started talking about Leonor. Leonor had been harsh, sure, but he was surprised that Zara would talk about his sister like that without any sort of apology. "It's not just her problem if she doesn't like me," he pointed out quietly, running a hand through his hair - he hated to think of the bedhead that he probably had right now. Listening to Zara was easy, but hearing her was harder. Perhaps his own attitude was the flawed one. Should he be more upset with Leonor than he was? She'd obviously been upset when she visited. Although in retrospect, Dr. Greene would surely have been there for that conversation if she'd known Leonor was visiting, so that wasn't a great sign. Before he could ask about that, Zara said something that really confused him and he cocked his head at her. "Sort of a lot, doesn't it?" he asked. "She is only in line to inherit Los Jardines de Plata because I stepped down. I don't think she realized how difficult it would all be... but she's disappointed in me. She was upset when she came to visit but I'm not sure how much was because I-- because of what I did, or because of her own problems now."

22 Felipe De Matteo You're sure you want me around? 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 11, 2020 6:32 PM

Yes, idiot by Zara Jackson

"Wait, Leonor?" Zara confirmed, when it became somewhat more obvious that they were talking at cross-purposes. "Leonor's been here? And saying things to make you feel worse?" she queried, eyes flicking to Dr. Greene. Half 'what the heck?' and half seeking an adult with the power to make that stop happening.

"She wanted it. It's not your fault if she should've been careful what she wished for. And... I know she is your sister but there's a line. If she makes you feel like this she doesn't deserve the title. Nothing gives anyone license to treat you like their emotional punching bag," she told him firmly.

"I was talking about Mara," she explained, "She admitted to giving you and earful yesterday - you know, I disagree with her. I don't think there was anything wrong with telling me about something that had upset you," she assured him.

She stroked his hair back a bit (it was kind of a mess right now) trying to keep her anger in check. As far as she was concerned, there were two people who were clearly to blame here. Dr. Greene could go sort them out, and they could stay far away from Felipe and then this would all be over.

13 Zara Jackson Yes, idiot 1444 0 5

Lillian Greene

August 12, 2020 3:11 PM

Name-calling isn't helpful. by Lillian Greene

Lillian wanted to revert to invisible observation, as she was fairly sure that she could gather more information about her patient this way than through anything she could convince Felipe or his associates to tell her voluntarily. Therefore, she bit her tongue when Zara…continued to be a bit rougher and more judgmental than was really helpful, but significantly improved on her previous statements. When Felipe responded, though, he said something she wasn’t sure she could ignore.

She had begun to wonder if the two were having the same conversation, but it became clearer when Zara started dropping names into the conversation – the Mara person she had mentioned before, and then a ‘Leonor.’ Who was apparently Felipe’s sister. And had, it seemed, been here at some point.

No-one, other than medical professionals, was supposed to have been here before this point. If Leonor De Matteo had been here, then there was a crack in security, and she was going to have to have a very pointed conversation with Healer Willow and Monsieur Arceneaux. She wanted to check in with those two to see how they – both young enough to be her children, had she not left having children for a later part of her life, after she was settled in her career and her relationship with James and had had everything in order – were handling what they had seen, rather than to lecture them on security protocols, but they were not her patients. Felipe was her patient, and he had made a serious, violent attempt to kill himself, one which he had survived only by chance brought about by a strange anonymous note to Selina Skies. His safety was – had to be – her first priority.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you,” she said, leaning forward again, her eyebrows drawing closer together with concern. “But to be clear – are you saying your sister has been here, in the hospital?”

She glanced at Zara and added, “And Zara, I’d like to have a word with you outside, please.”

16 Lillian Greene Name-calling isn't helpful. 0 Lillian Greene 0 5

Felipe De Matteo

August 12, 2020 8:48 PM

I don't mind when /she/ calls me "idiot." by Felipe De Matteo

Felipe nodded. "Leonor," he confirmed, grimacing. He wouldn't have said anything about it if he hadn't thought she'd already known; he hadn't mentioned it to Dr. Greene even. "She didn't-- well-- like, she-- I-- she wasn't wrong about m-- I just-- " He took a breath, feeling how much he wanted to run away increasing dramatically. What was he supposed to say when asked whether his sister visited him post-suicide attempt in the hospital and berated him? Like . . . yes? But no? But mostly yes? He squirmed a bit under the intensity of Zara's... it wasn't that she was chastising him, but it felt a little bit like it. He nodded, feeling miserable. Not only had he gone and tried to off himself, he'd then botched it, and then screwed up his first social interaction afterwards. And now his second (he wasn't counting interactions with medical staff as strictly social interactions). How was he supposed to make this work?

He snapped back to full attention when Zara explained who she'd meant. Mara had . . . what?! After everything she'd said about leaving people out of it who were never meant to be part of it, and after he'd finally had the chance to explain why, she'd gone to her to . . . what? It didn't sound like she'd gone to make friends. He squirmed a little more, torn between angry and scared. Why scared? What was that doing there? Oh . . . Oh. Things were already going wrong and people were already starting to talk. If people talked about him just because he screwed up a conversation with them, then honestly, what could he expect to happen when it got out what he'd done? He wouldn't be able to save Leonor's reputation then, or the rest of his family's. His own was already shot and left out to dry so he wasn't too worried about that, but what would that do for Zara?

But Zara was stroking his hair and he was alive and everything felt okay on the outside, even if it didn't at all feel okay on the inside. He wanted to scream, but he forced himself to just breathe instead. To scream inside his own head and keep all those feelings inside where they belonged. "Do you still want to be with me?" he asked quietly, desperately hoping for confirmation but far too desperate to believe he'd really get it. Because why would she?

Dr. Greene interrupted the conversation a moment later and Felipe blinked at her, not realizing how damp his eyes had gotten. "Yes, Señora," he responded automatically. "Ma'am," he corrected. "She came this morning before you arrived."

She summoned Zara and Felipe's heart pounded as he watched her go. What if she didn't come back? She said she wanted to and she seemed like she was trying to make sure she got to but what if she couldn't? What if she left out the other way because she didn't actually want to see him anymore? What if she didn't come back because something happened and he should have been able to help take care of her but he couldn't because he was pathetic and stupid and he'd gotten himself locked up in here? What if this was when Señora Greene was going to break the news that Felipe had to be taken away and he wouldn't get to see her again because he'd be off in a padded room somewhere? His heart raced and his breathing grew faster as Zara and Dr. Greene walked away, but he forced himself not to show it. To not give anything to the eyes that watched him. He had learned from all this that letting his emotions out to play was a dangerous game. The happy ones could come out, because those made Zara happy, but all the other ones would remain at the bottom of a cliff in a pile of broken bones.

22 Felipe De Matteo I don't mind when /she/ calls me "idiot." 1434 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 13, 2020 4:02 AM

See? I know what I'm doing by Zara Jackson

"Hey," Zara stated, squeezing his hand softly when he started jumping between bits of sentences. "It's okay."

That was a lie. Clearly it really fricking wasn't. She guessed she meant something like 'it's okay if you can't get to the end of that sentence.' That, she could grant. Beyond that... it really seemed like a lot wasn't.

Did she want to be with him? She was surprised by the question. She had been preoccupied with the present moment. The fact that he was in hospital. The fact that other people needed busting over this. Although she was happily directing her anger at other people right now, she did have to admit that there had been some there for Felipe too. He had tried to leave her. He had proved Mara right. None of that was fair, and Zara didn't like things that were not fair. But she liked Felipe. She liked all the carefree kisses they had had. That she had thought they had had. Had those been real? Had she been the only one who felt happy? She wanted someone who wanted her. He had always seemed so, so adament about that. How did it go with what was happening now?

"I didn't stop wanting to be with you," she stated, her emphasis stronger than she had meant it to be. That probably strayed into Dr. Greene's list of forbidden statements, and yup, sure enough, she was being summoned out. Zara wondered whether it was to bust her own backside or to get the intel on someone else. Seriously, if it was the former, Dr. Greene really needed to work out her priorities.

"Do I get to come back again?" she checked. Cos Felipe clearly thought that everyone was against him, and she wasn't going to let Dr. Greene chuck her out permanently and risk proving him right. Like, didn't this woman have a psychology degree or whatever? Wasn't it obvious that taking away his girlfriend would upset him further? "You want me here, right? It's helping?" she added to Felipe, because she couldn't quite shake the nasty comments Mara had made about her, even though she knew they weren't true. She wasn't the one causing this, Mara and Leonor were.

13 Zara Jackson See? I know what I'm doing 1444 0 5

Lillian Greene

August 13, 2020 1:14 PM

We all have a lot to learn. by Lillian Greene

Lillian’s expression remained calm as the situation continued to evolve, though a skilled observer could have still picked out signs of stress in it: a faint tension in the skin around her eyes and the edges of her lips, and a noticeable loss of expression in her eyes. She had spent quite some time learning to control her reactions during her years and years of training before she had become licensed, but there was only a certain degree to which body language could be truly controlled, especially under stress.

A picture was emerging here, and she did not like it at all. She was sure she was missing many fine details, and maybe perceiving a few pieces through the wrong end of the telescope altogether, but it definitely seemed like the broad outline was coming together in a most concerning fashion. When Zara began applying pressure to the patient, her hand actually rose to touch her fleur-de-lis, though she turned the gesture into a fairly natural adjustment of the necklace.

“You can come back to say goodbye,” she said, “and we’ll see about tomorrow.” Would Zara be in any state to go to her classes tomorrow? She’d had quite a shock, and might need to be excused from classes simply to keep too much information about the situation from getting out into the school. She seemed fairly tough, but….

One thing at a time, she reminded herself. They needed, she thought, a baker’s dozen of mental health professionals in this school, it seemed, but she was what they had, and she could only handle one issue at a time. She ushered the girl out, albeit somewhat warily – this would have to be quick, and she was going to thoroughly check all the watch measures over herself soon, and give orders involving sleeping potions overnight, just to be safe.

“Zara,” she said gently once they were out. “I know this is very difficult for you as well, but questions and demands and judgments are all very bad ideas right now. If you need to express these feelings, then we can make an appointment for you to do that, but Felipe’s condition is very serious right now. If you want to be helpful, you’ll need to just let Felipe know that you care about him, that you’re sorry he’s having a hard time, and express positivity, do you understand?”

That established, she touched her necklace again and said, “I also have a question for you. You’ve made some accusations against another student, and you seem to know more than I do about the situation between Felipe and his sister. Have you ever told any of your teachers about any of this before?” Selina seemed as disturbed by the anonymity of the note as by its contents, and Lillian was troubled by that as well. Zara did not seem at all, on her initial impression here, to be the kind of girl to handle things anonymously, but it seemed worth asking the question.

16 Lillian Greene We all have a lot to learn. 0 Lillian Greene 0 5

Zara Jackson

August 14, 2020 7:13 AM

You sure do by Zara Jackson

She could come back to say goodbye? They would see about tomorrow? Wow. Screw this lady. Zara wondered what would happen if she just refused to leave. Was this woman gonna body bind and forcibly drag her away in front of Felipe? Cos that’d be great for his mental state.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” she told Felipe, because she was pretty sure that Dr. Greene was gonna be all about trust and keeping promises, so she’d better be letting her back in here.

Once they were out of earshot, Dr. Greene starting laying into her (seriously? Of all the people who were at fault in this situation, she thought Zara was the one to go after?) telling her to stick to bland pleasantries and all the rest.

“Really? Cos if someone had made me feel that bad, I’d want to know that someone else agreed that wasn’t fair,” Zara glared, crossing her arms and glaring at the psychologist. This was such bull. Did Dr. Greene think she got to tell everyone all their thoughts and feelings about everything? Zara was pretty sure that wasn’t how psychology was meant to work. “And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not talking to a brick wall, or whatever. He’s talking back. And telling me that his sister’s calling him names, and asking me questions, and I don’t think saying ‘there there’ or ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ is gonna come off as a reasonable response to those. At a certain point, it’s gonna sound weird and robotic and fake. You think he isn’t going to know if you’re scripting me, and be freaked out by that? You got here all of a few hours ago and you don’t even know him!

“And you want me to be positive?” she glared, tears prickling the edges of her eyes, “My boyfriend tried to kill himself, so no I don’t understand the idea of being positive.”

13 Zara Jackson You sure do 1444 0 5

Lillian Greene

August 14, 2020 8:45 AM

And I'm glad you're here to help. I hope you'll let me help you, too. by Lillian Greene

As Zara raged at her, the motherly part of Lillian wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything would be all right. For better or for worse, though, the professional part of her had long since obtained the ability to push the other parts out of the way without ceremony, and so she merely stood, allowing the girl her outburst and feeling terribly sorry for her.

“Because he didn’t succeed,” she said calmly when Zara said she didn’t understand why she should be positive in this situation. “Since he survived, we know now that he’s struggling with something – or, more likely, a lot of things – and we can help him, so that he doesn’t try anything like this again.”

She thought back through the things Zara had said to Felipe, looking for concrete examples she could use to frame helpful versus unhelpful contributions more clearly. “I’d like you to try to think about it like this,” she said. “When you tell Felipe that the things his sister said aren’t true, that is helpful. When you ask him why he would let someone get into his head that way, though, that is – though I know you didn’t mean it that way – still a form of victim blaming – blaming him for his feelings and how he reacted to them. ‘Why’ is a very unhelpful question right now. So is what you said about ‘it’s helping, right’. I doubt you meant it that way, but that’s still a form of making a demand, and that and what you said about how you didn't try to leave him - statements like those make it seem as though you want to make his actions about you and your relationship. Felipe might feel he needs to give you the answer you want to hear to things like that, instead of the answer that’s true, and suppressing his real feelings is the last thing he needs to do right now – the kind of thing that just allows problems to fester until we end up here.

“I understand that it’s very difficult when you do know someone personally, and have strong feelings for them, but telling Felipe he’s wrong when he expresses feelings of guilt or even self-loathing isn’t the best strategy for helping him. A better way might be…saying that you’re sorry he feels that way, because you don’t feel that way about him. Do you see the difference there?” she asked gently, hoping she was communicating more clearly than she had before now.

16 Lillian Greene And I'm glad you're here to help. I hope you'll let me help you, too. 0 Lillian Greene 0 5