How did Sherlock survive? on Crotalus Commons

Selina Skies

July 31, 2020 3:06 AM

How did Sherlock survive? by Selina Skies

CW - witnessing a suicide attempt

There were notes to write. And they were complicated. There were the words to use, and so many that she couldn’t. Accident. Will be fine. Full recovery. None of those were right because they weren’t necessarily true. Medically, Felipe was not badly hurt. Medically, she had seen far worse put right. But this was much more complex than the scrapes on the surface, and healing those was like plastering over the cracks in a house that was in danger of falling down.

She had written the three notes. One to the staff - a copy each but the same words. ‘Felipe De Matteo will be absent from class until further notice.’ Staff were used to knowing that some things were confidential. That this signified something untoward but that they would be told what they needed to know. Perhaps some of them now knew better than to want to be in the loop. After that, she had sent a note each to Zara and to Leonor, so that they did not have to find out via Felipe’s absence or via the gossip mill. Still, she had not told them much. She had put down words that she hoped sounded neutral and natural and that did not use any of the words that she could not use. She had written to Dr. Greene, asking her to come in the morning.

Now she was staring at the wall, trying not to blink.

There had been a rush of activity. It had started with a note too. The strange and disturbing note that she had been sent. It had needed her to act. She had considered whether to call Felipe to her, but if he was feeling as anxious as the note suggested, that might startle him. She found herself looking back, trying to piece together why she had taken it the way she had. Why it had done enough to unnerve her that she’d gone looking rather than just resolved to keep an eye. Why she’d stepped up her search when she couldn’t find him, resorting to a tracing spell, the like of which she rarely used on students. It had seemed urgent. Maybe it was the creepiness of an anonymously delivered note. Except they had been right. They had seen something in her student that she had missed.

And every time she closed her eyes, she saw him in freefall again.

How long had she let him fall, stuck there in horror? How had she had time to question what she was seeing, to fail to act, and then finally move and use the wand that was still in her hand from the tracing spell? The way he had jerked to such a sudden stop, she wasn’t sure whether she had done enough - it had felt like seeing him hit the ground. Except no, it had been the force of her spell, jarring him to a halt. And then she was rushing over, every bit of first aid training clashing violently, stubbornly in her head, refusng to make sense or go in order. Check him. Don’t move him. Help him. Don’t touch him.

Call for help. She had noticed that he was still breathing, didn’t seem broken, no blood, not broken, not a heap, by the time she remembered to do that. A message to Katey. And then, then of course the two of them had come and - no, not you, stay out because he was only eighteen, he was just a kid and he didn’t need to see this. Katey didn’t either. Katey was so new and so small and she didn’t deserve it.

Felipe was not badly hurt. Felipe was in the hospital wing, sleeping it all off, and getting him there had taken priority, and then writing notes, choosing the words, the words that were not lies but didn’t tell the truth either- that had taken time too. More time than was reasonable for three tiny little notes that didn’t tell anyone anything. They had been hard, hard work. As had trying to compose them without it being obvious that he hands were shaking.

Selina was very aware that she was not okay. No normal person would be. But she had been able to hold it at bay whilst she had something to do. Now she didn’t. Once she sent out these notes, she had nothing left to stop herself falling apart. She thought about all the other people in this building, and how she wouldn’t have ever said that was an acceptable thing for them to have to do by themselves.

That there was always supposed to be someone there to catch you, if you fell.

Several things were staying her hand, one being that she didn’t deserve it. Things should never have got to the point where catching was needed, so what right did she have to ask that of someone else when she hadn’t been enough of a support to Felipe? Another was that she shouldn’t. It was her job to look after all of them, not to make things worse - that they had enough of their own problems. She would not, she knew, have accepted any of those answers from anyone else though. And right now, being alone with her own thoughts scared her more than the thought of losing any kind of face in front of her colleague.

She weighed up her options, adding a PS to one of the notes, allowing her hand to stutter over the letters and her writing to get messy ’I could do with a shoulder, if you have one to spare.

The notes flitted away with a wave of her wand, out to their various recipients. Selina pressed forcefully against the silence that surrounded her, trying to pretend she was still busy, trying not to let it fill up with all the things she didn’t want to think about. But it wasn’t t something she could keep out. It was burned onto the inside of her eyelids and every time she blinked-

There was a knock. And for a horrible moment she considered the possibility of it being anyone but the person she’d asked for. That it was Leonor or Zara come to ask questions, and that she was going to have to continue to hold it together until they left her alone.

“Oh good. It is you,” she said, when she opened the door to find Killian on the other side, relief of a sort rippling over her pale face, allowing it to crumple slightly and start to match what was on the inside.

13 Selina Skies How did Sherlock survive? 26 1 5

Killian Row

July 31, 2020 10:39 AM

He didn't, but the people needed him back. by Killian Row

The early bit of the term was the part with all the letters. Okay, so really, the whole year was full of letters, but the ones at the start of the term felt especially important. These were the letters he was writing before students did, to touch bases and get contact information, to inquire about programs and internship opportunities, etc. This term, it was multiplied by the fact that he had been negligent of his duties over the break, so the process was all starting late. Of course, most people didn't reply back to him over the holidays anyway, so maybe he should start actually taking a break one of these years. Like doing it on purpose even.

Killian had sent out a host of owls during the day, trying to set up meetings or correspondence with schools across the country - and even the world in some cases - as well as a couple that he had penned to his parents. It was awkward and he hated it but it was worse to not say anything. He still hadn't mentioned Selina's offer of help and he had decided that he wouldn't. Not until he met John and they were able to talk. There was no use getting his parents' hopes up - or anger up - until he knew for sure what he was going to do. Besides, he was a grown up most of the time, and the decision was just as much his to make as anyone else's. He did think that maybe he would ask Bonny first, and he'd been toying with the idea more and more since he'd first thought of it. The benefit was that she knew her father best and that she was the one with the most at stake here. At the same time, she was twelve, and didn't need to be part of these things. He was undecided, but he didn't think he had to decide right now anyway.

He was surprised when an owl appeared only a short while after he'd sent many out. There was no way that most of the letters had been delivered yet, let alone responded to. When he took the letter from it and found that it was from Selina, and that her normal handwriting was . . . off somehow, like it was more careful than usual and somehow still messier than usual, he frowned. Then he got to the post script and took a big breath of anxiety. He was a bit of a mess - it was late enough that he'd resorted to some of his more comfortable clothes which . . . well, he put on a pair of basketball shorts and a shirt before leaving his room, stuffing his feet into shoes as fast as he could and making his way to Selina's office.

He felt a bit silly. If this turned out to be something not as serious as his gut was making him think that it probably was, he was going to feel ridiculous for wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt to his boss' office. At least they could have a good laugh over it if that were the case. And at least he - he sniffed himself inconspicuously to confirm - didn't smell too bad. That was good, as the letter had specifically requested shoulders and he would feel bad if his obliging that request came with accidental armpit smells.

Knocking, he didn't have to wait long for Selina to open the door. She looked . . . well, she always looked great, to be clear, but she didn't look great. Pale and sort of . . . hollow. It was a look that made Killian's guts turn over in twists and tug themselves into knots around his chest. It was a feeling that he attributed both to the urge to protect himself and to the inevitable harm that came from such a strategy; his own walls closed in on him until he suffocated if he didn't find some outlet. He suspected the same might be true of Selina, although she was well past the point of walls now, it seemed.

"That is my preferred greeting, please use that every time," he told her in a soft, joking voice as he entered her office. It wasn't the moment, he suspected, for a proper joke, but his kindness often came in humor and he wanted to offer that up front. "I brought my shoulders," he added, leaning towards her some in case she needed either a hug or support to continue standing up.

22 Killian Row He didn't, but the people needed him back. 1450 0 5

Selina Skies

July 31, 2020 8:47 PM

Is this the same situation? by Selina Skies

Killian’s appearance caught her off-guard for a moment. It was so casual. Nothing had the right to be casual right now, and it further underlined his current status and one who belonged to a different world. The world of not knowing. He had been relaxing, having a quiet evening, and now she was going to ruin it.

Part of her wanted to laugh. He was being soft and sweet, and it was nice. She tucked the impulse away, trying to imagine that there was going to be a future time when he came to her office, and she could say it again to him. And then it would be allowed to be funny. She would have to invite him over some time for something that wasn’t either of them having a personal tragedy.

“Thank you for coming,” she stated. It felt ridiculous even as she said it. Like he had been asked here for a meeting. “Come in… all the way in,” she suggested, beckoning him as she made her way to a bookcase at the back of her office, pushing it back to give way to her quarters.

The small sitting room on the other side leant far more to the Aladren colour scheme of things. Or, for anyone who knew their Salem, Sal Salis. She had always been fond of dark blue anyway, even before it had been her house colour. A smaller desk stood in the corner, although Selina had a rule against working at it. It was the table where she wrote some of her letters to family, and a set of shelves above it carried many of their smiling faces. The room really was designed for one - one desk chair, and a blue chaise longue for relaxing. She led Killian across to this, transfiguring the far end with a wave of her wand so that the back continued all along and it had a second arm, more like a settee. It was clumsily done, not up to her usual standard. Perhaps she should have just let him have the end that was comfiest to sit on, seeing as she could foresee herself leaning on him in the most literal of terms for much of this.

“Felipe-” she began but she wasn’t sure what would come next. He already knew that part, presumably. He had got the note. Felipe was not coming to class right now… She had to tell him the other things. “He didn’t hit the ground,” she said shakily. Because she couldn’t say ‘there has been an accident.’ There hadn’t been. It wasn’t true. “I stopped him-” she cut herself off with a shake of her head. She hadn’t stopped him. That made it sound like she’d been in time and she hadn’t been. “I saw him-” falling? What was the word for a body tumbling through the air like that? Once you were over the edge, then you were falling. But it felt like the wrong word. “I saw him and I stopped him before he hit the ground but I-” she swallowed hard. How could she say she had got there in time when it got to this point?

“How could I not know? One of my own-” she cut herself off because it didn’t matter that Felipe was in Crotalus, for Merlin’s sake. It made it worse. It made it even more her fault but they were all her students, and this wasn’t supposed to happen to any of them. And she knew she wasn’t making much sense. She wasn’t telling Killian the thing he really needed to know. And she knew that by now that horrible feeling must be creeping up his spine. He knew that something was wrong here and she didn’t want to let him slowly put two and two together and stare at the four he was getting, convinced it must be the wrong answer. She didn’t want him to have the false of hope of telling himself he must be reaching the wrong conclusion.

“It wasn’t an accident,” she sobbed, leaning onto his shoulder, not wanting to see his face as she said it. “He jumped.”

13 Selina Skies Is this the same situation? 26 0 5

Killian Row

July 31, 2020 9:12 PM

I think you might be Sherlock in that case. Can you survive? by Killian Row

Killian followed Selina's directions without comment, not sure how formal this was meant to be and feeling very silly if that was the case. But Selina didn't look so good so he thought that maybe it wasn't just that. His mind went momentarily to Lorcan, but Selina wouldn't have needed a shoulder if it was about that, and she wouldn't have sent it in a letter about Felipe De Matteo. She showed him to a seat and then sat with him, which also boded badly for whatever was about to be discussed. He had some nagging suspicions, but he really really didn't want to think of them. Just because his life was a bit of a mess didn't mean everyone else's was. Felipe wasn't one that had ever come to office hours or meetings that weren't required, so he wasn't really too sure of the lad's life anyway.

It was odd to be in Selina's private quarters, although it probably felt for him like how seeing him dressed like a teenager was for her. He felt silly again, but only for a moment, because Selina began speaking and it wasn't very clear, so he had to focus. None of what she said, however, helped him feel any better about his nagging suspicions. He wanted to run away, or else wrap Selina up in a big hug and make the world okay for her again. He was surprised by the strength of his protective instinct for this woman but now was not the time to pick that apart.

Before he could decide how best to help or what expression to put on his face, Selina buried her face in his shoulder, and he was glad again that he had worn deodorant that day. And a clean shirt. This would have been much more awkward if he'd just sprinted here in his boxers as he'd nearly done.

That was only his first thought, though. His second was that nobody should ever feel like how Felipe - Crotalus, fourth year, former heir? - had apparently been feeling. The realizations that he was sure were stirring in Selina's head already begun stirring in his as he began to pick apart every interaction he'd ever had with the boy, every time he'd ever seen him. How had nobody noticed? Or worse, had they noticed? And nobody had done anything because it was easier to believe that sad expression was just a bad day, and that time he looked extra tired as just because of one night of bad dreams and it wasn't recurring? But no, there didn't seem to be anything to notice. Not anything except the usual woes of teenage boys at Sonora (which were pretty exceptional woes if the bleak look that took turns occupying Dorian's, Nathaniel's, and Heinrich's eyes was anything to go by) and that was the problem. None of them could have done anything better and Selina had saved a boy's life, even if she blamed herself for him trying to take it in the first place.

His breath hitched in his throat and he closed his eyes, squeezing them against the emotions that came out wet. At the same time, he curled his head down to press his cheek against the top of Selina's head, and put his arms as much around her as he could. Hugs, he knew, were the most powerful kind of magic, and he wanted to give her all the magic he could.

"Shhh, shhshh," he told her, brushing her hair flat and rocking her a little. Maybe it should've been weird, but it seemed like the right reaction to a sobbing woman smushing into you. "It's alright to cry," he promised. "Selina, I'm so sorry. This is not your fault." He promised the last bit with an assertiveness he rarely showed because he only used it when he really believed something completely, and how completely could you believe a student would get into their dream school? Like, high hopes for sure, but the Assertive Voice was for certainties. "I can't imagine how hard this has to be for you. Do you want to tell me more or do you want to just get it out right now?" he asked softly. "It's okay if you don't know." And so he sat, holding her as long as she wanted, waiting as long as she needed, ready to be there when she wanted to speak, and feeling very very much like he wanted to go on a long hard run.

22 Killian Row I think you might be Sherlock in that case. Can you survive? 1450 0 5

Selina Skies

July 31, 2020 10:11 PM

I'm not the one who jumped by Selina Skies

Killian’s shoulder, it turned out, was a good place to lean. Selina hadn’t particularly doubted it from the emotional point of view, but he was a skinny little thing. But he felt perfectly solid and capable right now, especially compared to her - pathetic, this was pathetic because she was a grown woman and supposed to be the one who knew what to do and… And at the same time, she was sure however horrible she was feeling, it was the rational way to feel. You were supposed to fall to pieces when something like this happened because what did it say about you as a person if you could face this with calm detached logic?

She took Killian up on his offer to keep crying, letting him rock and stroke her. She’d told him he was good, and would be good at doing all the uncleing he needed to do. She had never really doubted that, but here were his credentials, should he ever want them. Can give good hugs. Can make a person feel a little bit safer when the world bites them.

“It shouldn’t have happened,” she cried, “I should have known, or done something - something before it got to this stage. How could I not know?” she asked.

“And I think… I think I hurt him. I stopped the fall and I think I jarred his neck or something,” and she knew that was silly. That hitting the ground at speed would have been worse. But if she’d been more careful, if only she’d been more careful in a lot of ways… Maybe it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Maybe she could have done better. No maybe about it. She definitely could have.

“And I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know… It’s too much. What about poor Katey? She’s so new. I told Jean-Loup to stay out of it - he’s only eighteen, he shouldn’t have to - but I think I yelled at him? I… I think I wasn’t very polite,” she said, her voice shaking. And why was her brain clinging to stupid details like that? Why was she pouring that out in the same breath as the things about Felipe, like it was somehow parallel to him lying in a hospital bed? But it all mattered. She was supposed to get it all right. And her brain was pushing that issue forward, maybe because it was small and much, much easier to grasp. She should at least have said ‘please,’ she should not have yelled - she could apologise though. She could fix that.

But the rest...

“It shouldn’t have happened,” she repeated.

13 Selina Skies I'm not the one who jumped 26 0 5

Killian Row

July 31, 2020 10:24 PM

No, you're the one who lived. by Killian Row

"You couldn't know," Killian promised. The urge to vomit was increasing as the urge to cry was decreasing and he was thinking about all the moving pieces of this whole thing a bit more. He couldn't imagine how Selina was feeling, and he was glad she wasn't feeling it alone right now. "Do you want to work through that? If you think back now, can you think of anything that was evidence that you might have been able to catch?" He paused for just a moment. "I can't," he pointed out. There were, of course, the little things, but he hoped Selina knew as well as he did that those things couldn't be expected to be caught.

The idea of stopping someone in free-fall . . . that was what got him the most. For a moment, he thought he was going to gag, but he managed to swallow his bile and breathe normally. Just keep breathing. "A fall like that is going to hurt no matter what," he added, the words feeling like acid in his mouth. Why was this conversation happening? But he didn't let that come out. "You saved his life, and a sore neck is an easy fix."

The problem with this job was that there were things that brought back memories and feelings that no one could be equipped to deal with in the moment, even if they had tools to get through the moment they were in. Killian had never been to a point where he had considered anything like what Felipe had, nor had Lorcan as far as he knew, but Killian had absolutely fallen from a great height on the Quidditch pitch, his life saved by someone he didn't see, and woken up in the Hospital Wing to the terrified faces of some of his loved ones. It had been something that changed his entire perspective on life and relationships and he couldn't imagine how it would have been if he'd fallen on purpose. If he'd been trying to get away from it all. Falling was terrifying and Killian had heard survivors say that they often regretted their decision immediately after making it, right after it was too late. Had Felipe? What was the boy wrestling with now?

He rocked Selina a little bit more intently as she started thinking of Katey and Jean-Loup and-- and oh no. Jean-Loup. He was going to have a rough go of this, Killian suspected. He didn't know Katey well enough to know whether she would too, but it was fair to assume that everyone would at least have a semi hard time. "You have hired an incredible staff full of strong professionals. Jean-Loup is an intern for a field that is intense and he knows the risks. Katey is an experienced medical professional. Every single one of us is in this together because of you. I have literal drawers full of resources on this stuff, which is not my job but I do anyway," he told her, knowing as he said it that she would probably tell him - even now - not to think of such things. She finished and Killian closed his eyes, his cheek still on her hair. "No," he agreed. "None of this should have happened. And I don't think anything probably makes it feel any less awful."

22 Killian Row No, you're the one who lived. 1450 0 5

Selina Skies

August 06, 2020 4:16 AM

Hopefully everyone gets that outcome by Selina Skies

Killian was saying all the right things, or at least all the logical responses to her self-chastisements. It didn't stop it feeling like her fault though. Had he really not noticed anything, or was he just saying that to make her feel better? Was it better or worse that he hadn't? Of course, if it had been obvious to everyone but her that was a different kind of failing, one where they didn't know how to act, but it should have been the better option than the thought that this trouble could be brewing invisibly, with none of them ever aware. She hated both options though. And was it fair to say she'd seen nothing?

"I don't know," she sighed, "He didn't seem happy before this but... But it didn't seem like this. I don't know whether something happened over the holidays maybe..." it sounded like she was trying to pass the buck even as she said it. And even if the straw that broke the camel's back had been added over Midterm that didn't mean it hadn't been reaching breaking point. This sort of idea just come out of nowhere, out of one bad day...

"Drawers of resources on which bit of this exactly..?" she asked vaguely. Handling stress at work? Supporting each other? Watching your student pitch himself off a high tower? That last one sounded oddly specific and she was alarmed by how much she wanted to giggle at the thought of there being a pamphlet on this.

Killian was trying to reassure her about Jean-Loup and Katey too. It only prickled at her guilt though - the fact that they were all here because of her. Right now, that could not be said to be a good thing.

"Probably not," she sighed, regarding Killian's final statement that there was probably nothing that would make this feel better right now. That advice, at least, was something she could believe. She settled for leaning into him and crying steadily. She didn't bother voicing more of her doubts or questions. There was nothing anyone could say. No magic words to make it better or take away her guilt.

Still, there were things they could do.

"This helps though," she managed after a few minutes, keeping her head against Killian's shoulder. They couldn't just make it better, so they were just going to have to go through it.

13 Selina Skies Hopefully everyone gets that outcome 26 0 5