Dorian Montoir
July 27, 2020 5:59 AM
This was always home (tag Vlad) by Dorian Montoir
Dorian's limbs felt vaguely like lead as he shuffled up the familiar steps. He was down two nights of sleep, and now full of food. He was feeling pretty confident he would sleep well tonight, not only because of that but because he could already imagine letting his breathing fall in time with Vlad's.His feelings were as bittersweet as they had been when he sat down at Teppenpaw table. This was home. It was hard to feel cheerless amongst the bright yellow walls and steady familiarity of the place. He felt comfortable and safe, and it was the one place that held that feeling for him right now. He would have been unequivocally happy and light hearted, in spite of his tired, leaden feet, but for two factors.
First, they were kicking him out. At the end of this year, he would graduate, and nothing would be the same anymore. That was probably supposed to sound like some big, inspiring adventure but...well, there was a reason he'd never been in any danger of going into Pecari. He didn't want to take on the world, he wanted to nest down and feel cozy and safe, and know that the important people in his life were always close at hand. That brought him onto problem number two; Vlad. Vlad was very much keeping him at arm's length. It felt like everything had changed already, and the thought of him and Sonora both slipping further and further away was horrible. It made him want to run to their room, to bolt him and Vlad inside, and to curl up into the safety of each other, and the home they had had for almost seven years.
The door closed, shutting the rest of the world out, and half of Dorian's mind melted into the calm comfort of being safe and happy and home, being able to just breathe in a way that he hadn’t for probably most of the last few weeks but definitely for the last two days. At the same time, the other half panicked and leapt, wanting to fiercely gather up all the homey feelings and make sure it could keep a hold of them. The same set of feelings applied pretty well to the boy in front of him too.
"I missed you," he stated, his voice deep and intense, offering far more than a post holiday platitude. He had missed Vlad. He was still missing him. He tried to focus on normal. On making this back into what it had been, although he found himself hesitating where he would have once thrown himself into Vlad’s arms and onto his bed.
“Sorry. Tired,” he apologised. He knew he didn’t sound right and he probably looked kind of strung out. He was sliding into the very familiar territory of wanting to sink down and be a pile of mush, and his brain was starting to protest anything that wasn’t curling up and being petted. He wanted to just pull Vlad in, and snuggle onto his shoulder, but he hesitated. He wasn't sure what Vlad wanted.
“How was your break?” he asked, sounding more normal.
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Dorian Montoir
This was always home (tag Vlad)
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Vladimir Brockert
July 29, 2020 6:35 PM
Home is about the people. by Vladimir Brockert
Dorian was “out”.Vlad had learned a lot from library books he was too scared to check out, glances he stole at pages he didn’t dare tie to himself sitting in the back of the library, where no one would notice him, or at least he hoped not. But Dorian was “out” because people knew he liked boys. Everybody knew, because of Jean-Loup. Dorian was not “straight” - he was some other thing, something that Vlad didn’t feel like he wanted to say.
Because Vlad was too.
But he was “in”. He hadn’t quite figured out what he was “in”, exactly, but he knew that he was in it. Denial? Secrecy? A state of confusion? D, all of the above. And nobody else knew. Vlad had told Dorian about things because…. Well, he had to. It had just sort of happened. Mama knew, because Mamas just knew everything. Nobody else, though.
He figured he ought to tell Tatiana sometime, maybe. It wasn’t fair to leave his other best friend out in the cold on this one. And then there was Ivy, his big sister and very first friend. He had just seen her, but now back at school, he missed her already. He wanted to go back home to her, to Mama and Dad, and to hide away forever. Couldn’t he just be homeschooled? Mama was more than qualified.
Dear Ivy, Said his pen, dragged with a sad slant across his parchment as he sat at his desk. What was he supposed to say? Sometimes it baffled him, how Dorian’s family had reacted, and while he knew Ivy was nothing like Matthieu, he couldn’t help but feel worried. What if this changed something? What if she was disappointed or disgusted? Vlad felt both things toward himself, so it was only naturally that Ivy should too. He missed when they were kids, and things were simple.
And speaking of not simple, there was Dorian, coming into their bedroom and telling him that he missed him. Of course they missed each other, but did he have to say it like that? And the apology after it only highlighted what they both already knew: everything was weird here. “Break was okay,” Vlad answered. He didn’t look up from his parchment, but he was quickly realizing that this letter wasn’t going anywhere, so he turned away from the desk and faced Dorian. “How about yours? Are you okay?” he added, noticing the strung out look in his roommate’s face.
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Vladimir Brockert
Home is about the people.
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Dorian Montoir
July 30, 2020 9:31 PM
Couldn't agree more by Dorian Montoir
Vlad was quiet and shut down in response. He didn’t even seem to want to look at Dorian. Great. Even through the tiredness, Dorian could feel the thoughts he’d been trying to keep at bay beginning to scurry around his brain. There was a wall here. There were several, actually. Figurative and literal. The figurative one was the one Vlad was using to keep him shut out. The literal ones were the ones around them, that meant ignoring Dorian’s existence entirely wasn’t a logical possibility. And those walls were being torn down in a matter of weeks.But then Vlad snapped out of it. Had he just been preoccupied? He was now searching Dorian with something like genuine concern and Dorian kind of wanted to go to him and curl up and explain that everything had kind of sucked and he just wanted one place in the world to feel like home and to feel like he wasn’t about to lose it.
“Break was very complicated,” he answered with a sigh, “Mostly… nothing new. Some things actually got a little better,” he assured him. “I can tell you if you want,” he added, making it clear he wasn’t shutting down that side of the conversation. But there was something else nagging at him. Of course, relative to each other complicated and terrible and loss-of-sleep-inducing was a lot worse than ‘okay.’ But it was also nothing much new. And Dorian wasn’t sure whether this was Vlad just pushing him out, or whether it meant something. He knew from his own experience how easy it was to hide feelings, and a rational part of him knew that maybe Vlad could have kept what he was feeling inside without it ever being Dorian’s fault for not noticing, but he still felt somewhat responsible for that - for the fact that Vlad had hurt without him knowing. “‘Okay’ seems like a step down for you though,” he added, tilting his head at Vlad with concern. “You want to tell me about it?” he asked.
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Dorian Montoir
Couldn't agree more
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