I'm locked up in ideas. on Library

Jessica Hayles

June 13, 2020 4:36 PM

I'm locked up in ideas. by Jessica Hayles

At a glance, Jessica Hayles looked almost productive. She was seated at a small table in the library with an assortment of materials spread out in front of her: pamphlets about various organizations, a few books, many pieces of paper scattered around with fragments of her flowing handwriting on them. Her head rested on a hand almost completely concealed by her red hair, it was true, but her distracted expression could have been taken for intense concentration on the nearest scrap of paper, though it was not. In fact, she barely saw the table in front of her anymore.

Pointless, she thought. Completely pointless.

Over the summer, she had felt so confident that this was going to be a good year. She had imagined how much fun she and Lyssa would have bringing some culture to this place, how she could do stuff with the German girls - she had been so sure it would all go well. And yet now, here she was, alone, feeling paralyzed, unable to force herself to be social at all instead of hiding in the library and wishing she could just disappear.

Why did I ever talk to Lyssa? Why did I run my mouth with Sadie at the feast? I can't do this.

How, she wondered, could she have forgotten? She had no place here. She had no identity here. She wasn't wanted here, much less needed. Literally the only person she was really fooling anymore was a single very shy twelve-year-old who was dazzled by little more than a ghost, retaining Jessica's appearance and fragments of her demeanor but with no real core to it. That wasn't enough to actually assume a leadership role with. Even the people who tolerated her all did so when their real friends were busy or something. All that would happen if she tried to step up was the same thing that had happened the last time, here in this very library: a fine combination of rejection, humiliation, and contempt.

Pointless. Completely pointless.

Unfortunately, she also knew that it was pointless to mind her own business, which was all she really wanted to do right now. If she did that, then she could just hear her enemies talking about how she thought she was too good to help the less fortunate. If she did try to do something despite the absolute certainty of failure, though, then they would find something wrong with whatever it was she picked - some way that trying to help this or that actually meant she was a bad person. You couldn't win with people like that.

A week ago, she wouldn't have cared. She had been months past letting what those a-holes had done to her bother her anymore. Today, though, out of nowhere, here she was, letting them win like this, by letting them drag her down to their level. Just as she had dealt with potions for years, only to crack up a little with the egg thing...a show of weakness that made her skin crawl with shame and disgust when she thought about it now. Just as....

It would pass. It always did. She was just so sick of it, and especially of it coming back unexpectedly this way, out of nowhere, just when she had thought she might be free of the worst of it.

Their sun shone bright amidst the fading of my light,
blazing down in gilded might, shattering the kindly night -
showed the future's empty blight as though it was their right -

Dreams! Houses built up on sand,
Deceptive shifting land
crashing falling timbers
as the foundation runs through my fingers -

Waves of air rolled in the sun's blight
Excited particles, spinning, spanning,
pressing waves onto my head
until I drown

bar, bar, bar, the Greeks once said
Mere anarchy has borrowed my pen.

At least, she thought, writing fragments of ideas would make her look like she was still doing something.

16 Jessica Hayles I'm locked up in ideas. 1442 1 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

June 17, 2020 7:22 PM

Will you think I'm copying if I say 'same?' by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

Jessica looked busy. Of course, Jessica almost always looked busy - she was an intermediate, she was smart, and she had a bunch of friends, not to mention whatever else people like Jessica filled their free time with. Sadie’s free time was a sort of endless empty space that she didn’t know what to do with. That was what happened when your whole life revolved around a screen and that got taken away. Jessica probably had a bunch of classy offline things to be doing. She definitely appeared to be doing them right now.

Sadie would have been lying though if she said she didn’t want to interrupt. She wanted very much to interrupt, to have Jessica’s attention and to be worthy of it. She wasn’t sure she had the capability to get much beyond step one though.

The thing that was on her mind the most was the charity fair. It sounded… Well, it had sounded cool and relatable. Fundraisers were a thing she recognised. But then sign ups about saving victims of the dark arts and ‘werewolf stuff’ (she guessed protecting people from them?) had gone up and she had felt woefully out of her depth again. Sometimes she thought she had really embraced this whole magical thing. She liked being able to colour change things or make her stuffed toys dance or to add little sparkles. Basically, she liked Charms, she supposed. And her new project of making ugly transfigurations. She wasn’t doing it every lesson because she didn’t want everyone to think she was awful and had no taste but when she could get away with it, she was really enjoying the silent, distant rebellion against her mother’s pastel parade of an existence.

Apparently though, it was a big step to go from ‘I enjoy making things ugly on purpose’ to ‘I’m gonna sign my name up to do ‘werewolf stuff’’ cos she was still floundering on that front. She was hoping Jessica would run a booth. It was bound to be something more or less relatable, and it would give her a chance to try to impress the older student. Or… well, get on her good side at least. She wasn’t sure she was capable of ‘impressing.’ Jessica would have the ideas, Sadie would follow. She was good at that.

She wasn’t going to bring that up straight away though. She wasn’t about to tell Jessica Hayles what to do. Instead, she could just start her homework and hope they got to talking - or, at the very least, that she could sit with Jessica without annoying her if she was busy.

She was glad she was neatly turned out. Honestly, she thought the continual thre- possibility of Jessica’s presence was one major reason why she hadn’t rebelled by becoming a messy sack of a human being on all occasions. Plus… time. She found that beauty routines that had seemed time consuming before no longer were once you took out the endless photography that was usually involved. She had time to paint her nails and then some on a regular basis. Right now, she was maintaining a neat French manicure. She had avoided any of the #HottestTrend #WithATwist variations and just gone… classic. Her hair was in a French braid. She didn’t feel like she had that many ‘classic’ looking outfits because she was supposed to always be #OnTrend so unless that was ‘in’ for that season, she didn’t get it. Luckily she had enough preppy pieces to match her general vibes. Preppy plus occasional florals seemed to be working for her, though she was worried she might need to switch it up at some point. Today was another combo of pastel brand name sweater plus cute skirt. The skirt was plain this time though.

“Hey, you mind if I sit here?” she asked Jessica, indicating the chair opposite her and offering her a shy smile.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers Will you think I'm copying if I say 'same?' 1480 0 5

Jessica Hayles

June 22, 2020 11:28 AM

I think there's a lot of it going around right now. by Jessica Hayles

Jessica blinked a few times, rapidly, coming back to herself when she realized someone was speaking to her. It took a second for the words to make sense to her after her drift away into thought….

“Oh, yeah, of course not,” she said, gesturing to the chair Sadie wanted. She gave the younger girl a smile. “Sorry, I was sitting around daydreaming…day-nightmaring…something. Sit down,” she invited her.

She allowed her eyes to flick over Sadie’s appearance, delighted to see something that wasn’t of the wizarding world for a rare change, something familiar. “Love your hair,” she said. “I always wished I knew how to braid, but I could never really get the hang of it somehow. Cute outfit, too.”

This, she thought, was the currency of her world. A world where there was nothing wrong with prettiness, with seeking an ideal that didn’t consciously try to be ugly. She liked Lyssa Fitzgerald – the other girl had been bizarre at first (and was still kind of bizarre now, come to that), but she had apologized when she had realized she had been rude, rather than walking around with her nose so high in the air that it had to be chafing in God’s butt and pretending Jessica had deserved to be treated like that just for existing – but she, like everyone else here who was simultaneously not racist and not either Jessica or to an extent Mara, seemed to go out of her way to reject beauty. Jessica would never understand it. The world was so ugly all on its own. There was no need to make it worse, and a lot of good in rising above it.

There was only so much she could do on school hours, but in the library, she did at least look reasonably up to par in the library, with a turquoise blue wrap blouse and crisp capris with sensible black sandals that went with nearly everything. It was getting perhaps a bit close to autumn for this outfit on the traditional seasonal system, but it was fairly standard for September and even parts of October at home, and the weather was still warm enough here to allow it a little longer. She propped her chin on her hand, focusing on Sadie.

“So, what’s up?” she asked, hoping to chatter mindlessly to distract her from her troubles a little longer.

16 Jessica Hayles I think there's a lot of it going around right now. 1442 0 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

June 25, 2020 9:18 AM

Oh, really? by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

“Oh,” Sadie stated when Jessica said she was day-nightmaring. “That doesn’t sound good,” she offered sympathetically after just a beat of hesitation. The feeling sounded familiar, and it was a good word for sitting there thinking about all the horrible ways your life could go wrong. It was something she did quite often but she was surprised to find other people did too, and especially Jessica. “Are you okay?” she asked, really meaning ‘what were you worried about?’ but that seemed far too personal. Unless Jessica had just been doing DADA homework and getting creeped. That happened to Sadie too.

“Uh, thanks,” Sadie smiled, genuinely pleased and surprised as ever when Jessica actually complimented her. Although she had to admit that was becoming less and less rare. “You look nice too,” she added, even though she was pretty sure that was taken as a given, and that it had much less weight going from her to Jessica than it did the other way round. She was also surprised to find that Jessica couldn’t braid. She knew it had been tricky when she had started out, and it felt like you needed about four hands or extendo-arms. But the idea of there being something she could do, something related to style and beauty that Jessica could not, caught her off guard.

“Oh, um, just charms homework,” she answered when Jessica asked what was up.

“I could… uh… teach you, if you want?” she suggested, sounding almost quizzical. “Braiding, not charms,” she hastily amended. Obviously Jessica was streaks ahead of her there. She was doubtful that Jessica really would want her help though - surely if she really had wanted to learn to braid, she could and would have by now. She was probably just not that interested and had been being polite. “I mean, your hair looks nice how you wear it anyway,” she added, trying to give Jessica room to back out gracefully if she didn’t really want to learn.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers Oh, really? 1480 0 5

Jessica Hayles

June 28, 2020 8:52 PM

It's a messy world out there. by Jessica Hayles

"Are you okay?"

Jessica knew that she almost certainly, for a moment at least, looked surprised at that question. It was not a question she was particularly used to. Even at home, they...didn't talk about things like that, and here....

The surprised expression switched to a shallow sort of smile. "You remember what I told you when we met?" she asked. "About how there were a lot of rotten people in this school? That's still true, unfortunately." She ran her fingernails along the edge of the table for something to do with her hands, something which was hopefully at least less overtly anxious than fiddling with her necklace or allowing her nails to dig into her palms or opposite forearms. "All this charity stuff is...bringing back bad memories from my first couple years here. Did you know that supporting the arts and thinking that universal literacy is a good idea are both things that make you a bad person?" she asked, her tone making it clear she did not consider this a valid position to hold. "So I can't help thinking I might end up dealing with less...nonsense from these people if I just don't do anything."

She sighed and rolled her shoulders. "Feels good to just admit that," she said. "Anyway...."

She was mildly surprised again, though not displeased, when Sadie made the uncharacteristically (for her) bold step of volunteering knowledge, and she smiled more genuinely this time. "What the heck," she said. "Not like I have anything to lose. We can make a girl's night of it sometime." One of the things she missed here was when she and Mara were allowed to do stuff like that at home - putting on 'fashion shows' out of her and her mother's closest, painting each other's nails while talking as though either of them had anything worth saying to say, using face masks and stuff like they had a clue what they were doing...admittedly, they hadn't done that in a long time, so it was possibly it was a bit more immature than Jessica was supposed to be at this point, and the fashion show bit would be a bit less epic without her mother's closet to rummage in, but even so....

"Though if you want help with Charms...well, I passed your class already, anyway, if you ever need help there," she said. "At home, me and - another girl, they always told us that the best way to learn something was to try to teach it to someone else, so we'd tell each other about our lessons. You want to give that a try?"

16 Jessica Hayles It's a messy world out there. 1442 0 5

Sadie-Lake Chalmers

July 02, 2020 8:24 AM

Choose better filters by Sadie-Lake Chalmers

“Oh. Sorry to hear that,” Sadie offered with a mixture of sympathy and confusion when Jessica said people were being rotten to her. She had only ever seen Jessica surrounded by myriad friends, easily able to talk to anyone and everyone. She also couldn’t imagine how or why anyone would be mean to Jessica. It did make her worry that there wasn’t a lot of hope for her though… If people didn’t like Jessica, why would they see anything in Sadie?

The things Jessica said didn’t sound bad to Sadie, and she was pretty sure she wasn’t meant to think they did - but that someone had been mean to Jessica for no reason over them. She wasn’t really confident enough to comment on that though. Instead, she voiced a related concern that Jessica had triggered.

“You think none of the charity stuff’s gonna be good to join in with?” she asked tentatively, “Some of it seemed super weird,” she added hastily, not wanting Jessica to think she disagreed with her. “Like.. werewolves or people who got hexed and whatever,” she stated, shaking her head in a slightly dazed fashion. “But some of it seemed… kinda normal?” she ventured tentatively. And is being run by my yeargroup. And it’d be nice to have some friends my own age. And people are more likely to like me if I help them… She would have felt safest following Jessica’s lead, but if there wasn’t going to be one, she could at least end up hanging out with some people her own age for a change. And it wasn’t disloyal because Jessica would probably be relieved to be spared sometimes. Not that she’d ever said anything but Sadie didn’t want to cling.

Though apparently she was the opposite of clingy or unwelcome because Jessica was actually taking her up on her offer to hang out!

“That’d be great,” Sadie agreed with much more enthusiasm when Jessica said they could do hair braiding and could make a girls’ night of it. She had a girls’ night! That was going to be awesome! Jessica was also willing to help with her homework, although given that he first idea was explaining the class to someone older and smarter than her, Sadie thought that might be a less welcome form of assistance than painting each other’s nails.

“Maybe in a bit?” she suggested. “I need to do the reading first,” she added. She couldn’t, after all, explain something she hadn’t looked at yet. Although she suspected it was meant to be revision of what they’d already had thrown at them in class. Circles looked like they got mentioned a lot. Again.

13 Sadie-Lake Chalmers Choose better filters 1480 0 5

Jessica Hayles

July 05, 2020 4:35 PM

Good idea, I'll try that. by Jessica Hayles

“Oh, no,” said Jessica quickly, lest she sound like a total jerk, when Sadie seemed to think Jessica meant that the whole charity fair should be written off as a bad job. “No, I’m sure there’s plenty of good stuff. I just…I was thinking about it in terms of me trying to lead something – old habit,” she said with a wry grin, acknowledging their common awareness of the role Jessica had been born to. Leading was supposed to be her purpose in life. She hadn’t led anything in a long time, but it still felt a bit weird sometimes.

“I’m sure there’s plenty of things worth being involved with. I’ll give them some money, at least. Maybe just help out, if someone I like starts something. What are these you’re thinking about?” she asked, wishing to move the conversation back away from herself.

She nodded when Sadie explained she hadn’t done the reading yet and therefore couldn’t explain it yet. “Definitely easier to teach it to me after you know about it,” she agreed with a smile. She looked vaguely around the shelves nearest to them. “I should get…something academic to look at,” she acknowledged. “I can never get over the contrast between how silly some of the charms can be and how hard Wright’s homework is. Be right back,” she added, standing to find a book and then returning with it. That she was willingly hanging out with a second year didn’t really occur to her; Sadie was the same age as Mara, and she didn’t even really clearly remember any time when she had seen Mara as an inferior for her age, or for anything else.

16 Jessica Hayles Good idea, I'll try that. 1442 0 5