Back to...? [Tag Vlad] on Teppenpaw Commons

Dorian Montoir

June 11, 2020 9:16 AM

Back to...? [Tag Vlad] by Dorian Montoir

Things had been somewhat all over the place this term. Jean-Loup was… here. Sometimes. It was a big adjustment to go from having a boyfriend you saw during the holidays, to a boyfriend your parents were forbidding you from seeing during the holidays, to a boyfriend who was there for half your week.

The whole thing had a somewhat odd rhythm to it. He guessed it was because Jean-Loup came and went. He guessed it was because he hadn’t been here before and now he was. Dorian had this whole life, this whole routine here, and now it had to fit another person in who had never been part of it before. A person who ate at really weird hours, that seemed to be dictated by some habit formed around a Quidditch training schedule that no longer existed. Or something. But it was fine. If Jean-Loup wanted to eat dinner late, then that was fine. Dorian could adjust.

Except that either meant asking his friends to adjust too, or choosing between them. Or just spending time with them each separately, which sort of worked in his favour given that Vlad didn’t want to be around Jean-Loup. And that… wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it felt like it was yet another thing to juggle.

But anyway, each time he had to only adjust for a few days, and that was both a blessing and a curse. It meant he didn’t have to totally go over to Jean-Loup’s schedule, and it meant his boyfriend and his roommate didn’t have to constantly be avoiding each other without the former noticing because you weren’t ‘avoiding someone’ when they just weren’t there. But it did sort of feel like his life had been split into two and like he was swinging between the two parts of it, rather than like it was coming together as a cohesive whole. And he could tell himself that was just because Jean-Loup was constantly coming and going and that it would settle down once they were both properly in the same place, but part of him knew that wasn’t true, because it wasn’t going to resolve how things were with Vlad.

Today was a Non-Loup day. That meant… Well, it didn’t mean everything was back to normal, because there was still the fact that Vlad had feelings for him. However, it meant they were sliding back into their easy, usual routine. They both seemed to have been doing quite a good job of carrying on like normal, as much as that was possible, and Dorian had to hope that was the right thing to be aiming for. Dorian liked normal. He liked their sunshine yellow room. He liked tidying Vlad’s shoes almost by habit on his way in. He liked settling down with him, and it feeling like both of them were happy, comfortable and where they belonged.

“Do you still have to do the Transfiguration reading?” he asked, pulling his own book out. It was one of the few subjects they had in common these days, so it was nice to do the reading together. Preferably together together. He crossed over to Vlad’s bed, where they sat together to read. Normally.

13 Dorian Montoir Back to...? [Tag Vlad] 1401 1 5

Vladimir Brockert

June 13, 2020 6:41 AM

We're gonna call it "normal". by Vladimir Brockert

He was getting better at pretending.

In a lot of ways, Vlad still kinda wished he had kept his mouth shut over the summer. It was nice to be honest, and feel like everything was out in the open as much as it could be, but it was impossible to fully ignore how different everything was now. The honesty did also allow him to adjust some boundaries, some things that hurt a little too much that could now be avoided. But he missed it all as well. And now things were awkward. Their Teppenpaw safe haven was tainted, and he had done it all himself.

So he was sort of just… pretending it wasn’t. That was hard, but it was also easier that way. Unless it had to come up - if he felt too uncomfortable, pushed a little too far - Vladimir just acted like things were normal.

Dorian mentioned the Transfiguration homework, and Vlad put down the book he was reading. The younger boy was laying on top of his comforters, the bed made neatly. He was trying to be neater, perhaps subconsciously, as if organizing his things could organize his brain and keep things structured. That was why he was reading casually a bit more lately, too, giving his brain instructions. Read these words, think about them and only them for the moment.

He leaned off the side of the bed to get his textbook, which he kept stashed in the bottom shelf of the nightstand. “I probably should have,” he said with a laugh, based on how soon they would need to know the material. “But I haven’t yet. Now’s as good a time as any, though.” He didn’t shift from his position, but there was still plenty of room on the bed for Dorian to sit with him. To sit, but not to lay.

12 Vladimir Brockert We're gonna call it "normal". 1400 0 5

Dorian Montoir

June 17, 2020 7:08 AM

But that's not true by Dorian Montoir

Vlad was laughing, smiling, talking about doing their reading. Dorian had meant doing it together though, and he knew Vlad knew that and... was he not welcome? Or was he just overthinking things? It wasn't like they always adopted exactly the same position on Vlad's bed. There probably times when they had ended up in this configuration before. But via a gentle alteration of one person needing to stretch out or adjust. Not by Vlad shutting him out.

It had happened a few times since they got back. His attempts to carry on as normal got a push back. Things that had previously been allowed were suddenly off limits. Part of him got that it was difficult for Vlad but he still missed it all. And everything Vlad was saying no to, it was all things they had done as friends. Lying side by side, snuggling into each other... He was aware that telling Vlad it hadn't meant anything romantic was not going to help. But he was craving it. He wanted Vlad’s gentle, familiar touch, and he wanted that specifically. He could get as many hugs as he liked from Tatya. He could let Jean-Loup make out with him. But he still came back here feeling like he was missing something. And where was it going to stop? How far back was Vlad going to push? Would he just keep increasing the distance until Dorian wasn't in his life any more? Sometimes, it didn't feel like that was what he wanted at all. But sometimes, like now, he looked at the picture before him and was forced to wonder Where do I fit in?

Well, he would just have to find space. It was hard to tell where being determined not to overthink, or to carry on as normal strayed into being passive aggressive. Not that that was something Dorian would have done consciously or on purpose but hating confrontation and being pushed to pretend that nothing was wrong, to work out the answers by trial and error, was pretty much a recipe. Plus he didn’t want to go further away from Vlad. He wanted to be as close as he’d let him.

He climbed over his roommate so he was sitting on his other side in the (narrow) gap between Vlad and the wall. He arched his legs over Vlad’s so that his feet came to rest on the other side, forming a triangle over the top of him. They weren’t interconnected. They weren’t even touching. But it was… something. It made it feel more together. He glanced towards Vlad, his eyes seeking approval, looking for signs that he was going to relent and come closer, without really realising he wasn’t looking as neutral as he should be if everything was normal.

“Who goes first?” he asked. The material went in better when read aloud. It let them keep pace with each other and discuss things. In the early days, it had given Dorian practise with his imperfect English around someone he didn’t mind letting his guard down in front of. It was the way they had always done it.

13 Dorian Montoir But that's not true 1401 0 5

Vladimir Brockert

June 19, 2020 8:27 AM

If I say it enough times, it will be. by Vladimir Brockert

Vlad noticed.

Of course he noticed. He knew Dorian well enough by now to know what he wanted, even if it wasn’t said. Vlad wanted it to: for things to be normal, the way they used to be. But the past was long gone now, and everything was mired and complicated. And there was just no going back.

So of course he noticed, but he didn’t react. Vlad did not move to close the gap between their legs, or adjust to give Dorian any more space. This was… well, “good” wasn’t the right word, but this was the best he could do. No more, no less.

“Would you?” The younger boy requested, deciding to stick to the homework as the main point of focus. He thought they got the most out of it when Dorian read: it let him practice his English pronunciations, and it was easier to stop himself than to stop Vlad if he needed help with a word. Plus, hopefully having to think about the words coming out his mouth would keep Dorian from thinking about everything else too much. That left Vlad to think instead, but, well, he could deal with that.

That was a bit of a pattern, trying to give Dorian the better option. Vladimir didn’t regret voting for Dorian for Head Boy, for example, but he did feel a slight twinge seeing the badge glimmer on robes hanging in his dorm that weren’t his, so close and yet so far. Mama said it was fine, and she wasn’t disappointed, but she did tell him that he needed to get better at putting himself first. So he was trying, but that was hard too.

12 Vladimir Brockert If I say it enough times, it will be. 1400 0 5

Dorian Montoir

June 26, 2020 11:16 PM

Of course. Whatever you want... by Dorian Montoir

Dorian would have preferred to listen than to read. His brain was still reeling and it would be easier to tune out if Vlad was reading, to sort through his thoughts and put them back in order and calm down. Now he still felt all mixed up but he had to pretend like things were normal. For Vlad’s sake. He was trying to put aside what he wanted because, theoretically, Vlad was the one hurting here. Vlad was the one declaring himself all broken hearted and miserable at not having what he wanted. Vlad was so hurt that he couldn’t even look at Dorian any more. And that had to be hurting Vlad so very much…

Except the phrase he’d used kept coming back to Dorian. You chose him. How was it a choice if Dorian hadn’t known there was one? He understood why Vlad might have been hesitant to put his feelings on the line, but that did essentially mean that Vlad had crashed his announcement through Dorian’s happy relationship and their friendship like a blasting curse and was leaving Dorian to pick up the pieces like it was his fault. Like he had done something. Like he had made a choice and had to live with the consequences, instead of simply not knowing something that Vlad had taken every effort to conceal from him.

He opened his book, trying to feel calm, trying to not be annoyed at getting stuck with the worse option.

Theoretical Perspectives on Vanishment, he began.

In this chapter, we will discuss where vanished objects go, he read out, wondering whether Vlad was noticing that his voice was so slow that it had to be deliberate and forced, or whether he just always perceived Dorian as a slow reader. There is the old saying ‘think twice before you vanish,’ with the implication that vanished objects cannot be recovered,’ he stated, his voice shaking slightly. ’In this chapter, we discuss if-whether is- whether this is true, he read, his brain stumbling as it tried to parse the sentence into his own style of speaking and then realising that wasn’t what the words in front of him actually said. Again, it had not been uncommon for that to happen when he read previously but it had become uncommon in more recent years. He’d been a better reader than this before the summer.

‘This involves comparison with conjured objects, and how true to reality they can be said to be, he paused rechecking that sentence and mouthing the odd, clunky-sounding construction to himself but that really was what it said. ’The discussion involves both the physical and the philosophical as we examine whether, once something is gone, it has to stay gone forever,’ he read, his voice noticeably faltering as that sentence progressed.
He stopped. He really wished he had checked what the reading was beforehand. Arguably, it was logical to pause here, in that he had reached the end of the introduction. It could be Vlad’s turn. But he had read much less than a full page, and that wasn’t normally how it went. But he needed a moment to get his voice back under his own control. One which Vlad could ignore and wait for Dorian to continue from, take as his cue to start reading, or do something else with, as he wished.

13 Dorian Montoir Of course. Whatever you want... 1401 0 5