I hate you. on Defense Against the Dark Arts

Professor Tabitha Hawthorne

August 17, 2018 7:47 PM

Intermediates (and the rest of you), prepare yourselves. by Professor Tabitha Hawthorne

Tabitha could feel a headache coming on and her lesson with the Intermediate students hadn’t even started yet. She had reason to be stressed, though. Her lesson today was focused on the one creature that most of her discussions had been surrounding since her employment as Defence professor: Veelas. It had been decided between herself, Selina and with the rest of the staff that the best course of action regarding Cleo was to tell her peers the truth and to give her a free pass on Tabitha’s lesson. That particular point was the only reason that Tabitha wasn’t freaking out completely. At least she didn’t have to look into the eyes of the poor girl while they explained the dangers of the very creature she was half of.

She also had a hunch that the other reason she had a headache was a lack of sleep, resulting from a tiresome week. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs but she felt much better and, with a smile to herself, she knew that Mary was responsible. The lovely Potions mistress had not only given her a Draught of Peace that morning to try and help with her nerves going into her lesson. As well as this, Tabitha was also riding on a high as she now had a date with the lovely Mary Brooding and she was absolutely delighted. She had been eagerly awaiting her owl and had moments of giggling like a schoolgirl whenever she thought of the woman. Good God, she was a mess.

She’d just finished her sketch of a Veela in their angered Harpie form on the chalkboard when she heard somebody entering her classroom. Upon turning around, she saw the Deputy Headmistress walking towards her. She wasn’t an unexpected guest, the two of them having agreed that it would be for the best if Selina told the students about Cleo given that they knew her better than Tabitha. In all honesty, it was a bit of a relief. Tabitha had been worried for a time that she would’ve been faced with the task and it wasn’t something she was quite prepared for. She gave a weak smile towards the woman before turning the board round so that her notes in cursive were on display instead. She didn’t want to freak the students out the moment they walked in.

“Morning Selina,” she greeted the deputy as she moved over to her desk. She picked up Mary’s vial and showed it to the woman. She didn’t want her to think that she was taking anything illegal. “A Draught of Peace, for my nerves... Given that I can’t drink wine whilst teaching, this was the next best thing.”

“It’ll be fine,” Selina assured her, as Tabitha admitted that she had Draft of Peace on standby and would have preferred wine. Selina would have liked to crack a joke, and she was sure there quite a number of amusing comments about drinking wine that one could make, but she could not think of any right now. She had to admit that she was also not particularly looking forward to this. But it had to be done. And no one currently had a medically induced tendency to burn the school down, except for Cleo, so she was trying to tell herself it was better than last year. “If it helps, I often find that when you’re dreading a particular element of your day, it usually goes smoother than you expected.” Whether this was because you mentally set the bar so low that it was difficult for it not to exceed it, or because the real problems were always the ones that caught you blindside, she wasn’t sure, and decided not to share because that was not a particularly comforting thought – you are dreading this, but it will be fine and something worse that you haven’t expected or planned for is what’s really going to screw you up. It was definitely better to stick to saying only the first half of that.

“Anything else you need?” she asked. They had agreed that Selina would introduce the subject. As she also did not have a class during this slot, she had offered to stay for the remainder of the lesson, if Tabitha wanted the emotional support. If having the deputy headmistress looming over lesson wasn’t conducive to relaxing her, Selina more than understood. She had told her she could think about it, so now she asked, “And am I staying or not staying?”
Tabitha liked the Deputy Headmistress and owed a lot to her but it didn’t mean that she was comfortable with her sitting in on the lesson. If it had been Daniel Nash asking the question, she probably would’ve more likely accepted the offer. There was just something about having your boss that made Tabitha feel more anxious so, she shook her head. “No, thank you. We’ll be fine.”

She sincerely hoped that was true.

The Defence Against the Dark Arts class for the intermediates started slightly earlier than the beginner and advanced classes, and a memo had gone out to all students requesting them to join at the lesson’s start time. After some careful thought, weighing up the various extremes in terms of information sharing, they had settled in the middle – the beginner and advanced students would be present for the announcement (they would hear the news by lunchtime anyway, and at least this controlled how it was delivered) but they did not need to stay for the lecture, and would depart to their regular classes afterwards. All the Professors, but especially Gray and Nathan, had been briefed on the fact that This would be going down today.

“Good morning,” Selina greeted, once the… the entire school, minus one, was settled in. “You’re probably wondering why we’ve asked you all to come here,” she wished there was a less cliché way of opening her speech but social niceties existed for a reason. She had to say something. She couldn’t just…. “Normally what you learn in Defence Against the Dark Arts, whilst practical, is not something you need in your day to day life around our school. Or at least, we hope so. Today Professor Hawthorne will be teaching something that affects us more than usual. The intermediates will be learning about veela. This is important because one of your classmates is half veela. She is not here,” she added, before everyone started shifting around too much to eyeball their classmates, “Cleo James, fourth year. She has been given a pass on attending this class.” The moment of naming Cleo was especially horrible, like she was spilling someone’s secret. That Cleo knew that they were doing it, that they had discussed it with her, did not make it feel very much better. Her eyes flicked over briefly to Parker to see how he was taking this. He knew already, but her gaze found him several more times throughout her speech, wondering how he felt about how they were discussing his friend. She had warned Professor Hawthorne to keep a particular eye on him.

“Although this is Defence Against the Dark Arts, you should not assume that Cleo is a monster. She is still your classmate. She has some powers that make her different, and just like you need to learn about your powers in order to be safe, you – and she – need to learn about hers. The school has put in safety measures to minimise the risks of any incidents. Advanced students have already sat this class and beginners… Beginners are less likely to come into contact with Ms. James, or be affected by this issue. However, anyone from those groups who has particular concerns is welcome to come to see me or Professor Hawthorne.

“Cleo has not known about her half veela status for most of her life,” although this was somewhat private, Selina felt it important to establish – neither Cleo nor the school had been being dishonest, or withholding things from those around them. “It is still something she is adjusting to. She probably does not want to discuss it with absolutely everyone in the school, even those of you who mean well and want to support her. The best thing you can do is treat Cleo as you have until now. As you would any other classmate,” whilst it would obviously be far preferable than a wave of hostility, a bunch of virtual strangers attempting to get all in touch with Cleo about her feelings and how they valued her – whilst very well intended – was probably going to be unwelcome and overwhelming.

“Are there any questions from the beginners and advanced students?” she asked. If not, she would dismiss them and leave the intermediates in the hands of Professor Hawthorne.

Tabitha was leaning against the front of her desk with her arms folded and a slight frown on her face as she listened to Selina give her announcement. Her eyes roamed over all the students, trying to gauge their reactions. Finding out that your classmate was half-veela was a lot to digest and she imagined that many of them were still trying to process the information. Once any questions had been dealt with, she nodded to herself and stood up straighter.

“My door is always open to anyone who has any concerns or thinks of anything they’d like to ask,” she told them before deciding that they’d better start the lesson. She wasn’t exactly sure what kind of effect the news would have on their concentration - on the one hand, teaching them about veelas now could be a complete waste of time if their heads were in the shed. Yet, it could also focus them and make them want to learn more about Veelas and therefore, their classmate. She nodded to Selina and the woman dismissed the Beginner and Advanced students to the classes they should be in before leaving herself, leaving Tabitha faced with the Intermediates.

“Okay, class… I know that that wasn’t quite the introduction to this class that you were perhaps expecting. However, it only makes this class more important. So, I would like everybody to quickly and quietly take out their things, ready to make notes and please turn to page two hundred and eleven in your textbooks.”
There was the sound of paper rustling and ink pots being placed on the desks as Tabitha moved over to the chalkboard. It was true that she could use her magic to write her notes but she preferred the traditional method. “So, to begin, who can tell me in their own words what a veela is?”

A few hands slowly went up in the air, almost tentatively, which seemed to indicate just how seriously they were taking the lesson which was a good thing. Hopefully, that seriousness would be a constant throughout. She selected a student and nodded when they gave the answer. Though, there was one small problem. They’d used the word ‘creature’. That was something that was probably better forgotten in this instance. She did not want them to use the word as a slur against Cleo.

“You are not wrong,” she told them. “However, the official description of a veela is a semi-human, semi-magical humanoid. They are classified as beings in the Wizarding World and you should all know by now that the definition of ‘being’ is ‘any living thing that has sufficient intelligence to understand the laws of the magical community and to bear part of responsibility in shaping those laws’. Goblins, vampires, hags, house-elves, even us as wizards and witches are classified as ‘beings’ because we have intelligence, we have independent thought and we are responsible for our actions.”

She wrote the definition out on the chalkboard so they could copy it down. She’d nearly said that beings also had emotions and feelings but felt that might’ve been going to far. They were Intermediate students, they should know what she was trying to drive at.

“There are many stories, particularly in South and West Slavic folklore, that talk of Veela. In these stories, they’re known as Vila or Samodiva,” she paused to write the spellings on the board. “Some, like the Polish, believed that they were the spirits of women who had been promiscuous during their lifetime and were now stuck, condemned to wander between here on our living plain or the afterlife. In Croatia, however, they were considered to be quiet fairies who lived in the Velebit mountain range and have subsequently become their patron. Neither of those are particularly accurate though. The tale that best describes the Veela that we know today is the one that describes Samodiva, from Bulgaria and Romania.”

While she had wanted to get the seriousness of the Veela across and despite the big, fat elephant in the room, she also wanted the lesson to be interesting. It wasn’t just learning how to defend yourself against Veelas that was important but to understand where they came from, understand what they were, was just as important. She couldn’t lie to them and say that Veela were harmless because they weren’t - they were generally hostile and quick to anger. However, this was in contrast to Cleo who had her human side to balance such things out. If she could make the students see that, then she’d consider it an accomplishment.

“Samodiva are believed to be beautiful women with an incredible affinity for fire - they could cause droughts, burn a farmer’s crops and other vicious things. They also had an incredible ability to enchant and seduce not only men but women as well by dancing or singing. Their beauty was said to be so incredible that men and women would fall instantly in love… or what they believed to be love. When angered, they could transform into a monstrous bird who had the capabilities of throwing fire at her enemies which makes them similar to the Harpies of Greek mythology.”

It was at this point that she turned the board to show the sketch that she’d drawing earlier - of a transformed Veela, who had large feathered wings and clawed talons for feet. Instead of hair, there were feathers which she’d drawn raised to show anger. The eyes were similar to those of an eagle and glaring and a long, sharp beak protruded from the face in place of a nose and mouth. The hands were bony and thin, with long nails that were so sharp that they could easily cut their prey to shreds.

“Veela have all of those abilities and characteristics, though they generally don’t need to dance or sing to enchant someone. Doing so, generally only enhances the original spell. Simply focusing on someone would be enough to establish an enchantment. The hair of a Veela also has magical properties and can be used as a wand core though the wands themselves can be temperamental and fussy, rather like Veelas themselves. It is believed, however, that plucking a hair from a Veela can kill them or, at the very least, strip them of their powers so it is more likely that any Veela hair used for wands is hair that has been shed.”

She walked away from the chalkboard, though left the sketch showing in case anybody wanted to try and copy it.

“Now, I will not lie to you. There is no direct spell that will guarantee a defence against Veela enchantment - your defence relies on your feelings, strong mental skills and, to a point, your sexual orientation. There are more cases of straight men being susceptible to a Veela’s hypnosis but it is possible that women with the same preferences would also be vulnerable. In comparison, gay men could have a natural defence against Veela enchantments. My point is, there has to be some kind of base attraction, whether towards women or the Veela herself for the hypnosis to take effect.”

This next bit was the most important as it was entirely possible that the students could need the information, given their unique circumstances.

“Should you fall under the spell of a Veela, it can be broken and relatively easily, if you catch it early and quickly. The enchantment relies on eye contact or a one-to-one situation where there are no distractions and it is solely mental. Therefore, the answer is simple. A distraction is needed or the Veela needs to be moved away from you. The further away they are, the weaker the enchantment. However, in instances where someone has been under the influence of a Veela for a lengthy period of time needs more effort and in some severe cases, it was necessary to use a memory-altering charm to remove all traces of the Veela and, therefore, their hypnosis. The power comes from the obsession that you develop for them, your lust. Should you ever find yourself alone with a Veela, try your utmost to think of anything except them - it doesn't particularly matter what but there is evidence that the most effective thoughts are those about people you love. Try to refrain from making eye contact with them as that allows them free access to your mind and makes it easier for you to fall under their spell. If you are alone, try and call for help. If you succumb to a Veela, you will not be able to cast your own distraction spell."

She noticed a few looks of alarm and fear and thought she’d best reassure them that they were in no danger at Sonora, which was true. Selina and the other teachers had put effective precautions into place so if a student did unfortunately fall prey to Cleo's charms, it wouldn't be for long.

“Here, in the school, you are safe. You are surrounded by capable witches and wizards who can help you should something happen - that includes not just your teachers but also your friends. Prairie elves have also been briefed on what to do should a student fall victim to an enchantment. You are not in any danger. As Professor Skies told you earlier, Cleo is learning to control and understand her powers just as you are. Anything she has done or even will do, is an accident.”
She let that hang in the air and sink in, hoping that she’d done enough to make them understand, to assuage at least some, if not all, of their fears. It would soon to be time to conclude the lesson and she let out a slow breath, her eyes looking over at the empty vial on her desk. She mentally thanked Mary as without the potion, Tabitha was convinced that she wouldn’t have had the nerve to successfully complete the lesson.

“For your homework, I would like at least one thousand words on the subject of Veelas and for you to come up with a list of ways, magical or otherwise, that would be useful for distraction and also how they are a good distraction - to help you, I shall give you the first answer which is Aguamenti, the water-making spell. Sometimes, a splash of cold water to the face is all it would take as it causes a shock which kickstarts the brain and puts it on alert. With the time you have left, you may start it now. If you have any questions, please come up to my desk.”

OOC: Selina was written by her author and permission given to be used in the lesson. All information on Veela used in this lesson was gathered from the Harry Potter wiki, Wikipedia and Pottermore. Don’t forget to adhere to the site rules!

Subthreads:

I just can't wait to be King! by Jasmine Delachene, Crotalus

We could make this a whole class discussion (Tag Professor) by Kir McLeod, Teppenpaw with Professor Hawthorne

I hate you. by Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari with Jehan Callahan, Aladren, Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw

Realizations by Connor Priory,Crotalus

Getting back on track by Emerald Brockert, Aladren with Winston Pierce, Crotalus, Tabitha Hawthorne

I feel... uncomfortable (Tag Professor by Parker Fitzgerald, Pecari

20 Professor Tabitha Hawthorne Intermediates (and the rest of you), prepare yourselves. 1417 Professor Tabitha Hawthorne 1 5

Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari

August 27, 2018 5:11 PM

I hate you. by Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari

“Tatya – chto eto?” whispered Katerina.

“Ne znayu,” said Tatiana, scooting over so her sister could share her chair. The seats were, of necessity, large enough for seventh year boys and Tatiana was a small third year girl, so while it was a tight fit, they could just both manage to perch on it, each resting an arm on the edge of Tatiana’s desk to help keep their balance.

“Smotri – eto Professor Skies,” said Katya, catching a glimpse of their Transfiguration teacher through the crowd.

“O, net,” sighed Tatiana. “Mne ne nravit-sya Professor Skies. Ona vsegda govorit’ slishkom mnogo slov.”

Professor Skies did not disappoint, exactly, but Tatiana did not think it was the most overdone speech she had ever heard the Transfiguration teacher give. There were only two places where Tatiana had to concentrate around the pauses that were commas instead of full stops, ones which broke sentences up into units that were harder to parse. This was fortunate, as one of the units involved telling her that Cleo James was half-veela.

“Ch – “ she started to say out loud, but was silenced by the application of her sister’s elbow to her ribs.

Tatiana had never seen a veela, of course, any more than she had ever seen zhar-ptitsa, but she knew what they were. Both occupied many a story told in the wintertime; fire was troublesome at home, something which kept them alive in the long dark of winter, when the light could vanish for twenty-two hours at a time and those who ventured abroad could walk on water, but also something which could wreak havoc at a moment’s notice, particularly in the far east, where the forests could extend on and on and on, and there was always dead wood from the trees which had burst in the winter, victims of their own sap. One year, the taiga forests in Siberia had burned so wildly that Tatiana and her siblings had seen the smoke from their own house in Volshebnaya Derevnya; Tatiana had been completing her geography lesson when Sonia had run into the schoolroom. They had all gone out onto the balcony outside Mama’s room, and Grisha had helped Tatiana climb on top of a little table so she could see more clearly over the big ones’ heads – he had been holding Katya – until Mama had come in and spoken sharply to them all – going outdoors was not good when there was smoke in the air. Mama had told them, then, about stories she had heard from her amama, who had, like many witches and wizards in Russia, fled to the safety of the great empty places of the Far East during the Troubles a century ago, unaware of just how difficult it would be to try to create anything like the lives they had known there. The fires, Mama had said, could burn so fiercely that the smoke formed clouds which put off thunder and lightning just as natural ones did, lightning that would start yet more fires….

Of course, veela had nothing to do with that. Veela were Bulgarian, Romanian – from the South. One did not find them in the far Northeast – indeed, Tatiana was under the impression there was only so much of anything one found there; it was where prisoners and exiles went for a reason. There was not much to interest harpies there. If Tatiana could bind any man to her will, she, too, would go South, and find a rich one with a pleasant residence in the Crimea, maybe – she would not seek a mate in Siberia. Which, apparently, Cleo’s mother had not – she had somehow ended up with an American, if Cleo’s name was anything to go by….

This, though – this was impossible. Tatiana knew Cleo, somewhat. She had had a gardening club in Tatiana’s first year. She was impossibly pretty, yes, but not to the point of anything unnatural – was she?

And just like that, well before Tatiana could quite sort out what was what, much less discuss it with Katya, Professor Skies and the rest of the school were on their way out the door, leaving Tatiana’s class sitting quietly as though nothing had happened and they were just going to proceed into a normal lesson. In a way, Tatiana was glad about that – opening her bag, taking out note-paper and the little folding stands she put her textbook and her Anglo-Russian dictionary on, setting up her pen-stand and ink bottle – these gave her a moment to check back over everything she had heard and make sure she had understood it correctly, a helpful thing. She was pretty sure, however, that if she had missed something it had just been a finer point, not so important as the main one, which was that one of her classmates was actually not just another schoolgirl, but a creature out of stories – not, in short, actually really a girl at all.

Professor Hawthorne seemed, however, to object to this description – sort of – speaking of how wizards were also beings. Tatiana’s brow creased as her thoughts lapsed into Russian…Magly could understand the law – they were not much distinguishable from other people until they were handed wands and could not use them, and of course, before the Troubles, the tsars and tsarinas had been Muggles (though there were rumors, of course, about Petr and Ekaterina) – but they were not part of the community, now. How, then, did that add up, and how did Cleo fit into it, or anyone….

These ruminations might have made her head ache, had she not been distracted by Professor Hawthorne suddenly sounding vaguely like she was speaking Russian. Not exactly, of course, but – almost. Tatiana looked up, focused again, as the professor began speaking about Bulgaria, then automatically shrank back in her seat at the sight of the professor’s drawing. She had seen images of samodiva in their transformed state, of course – stories could be painted as much as told at home – but Western art was all different. For one thing, it was usually not as colorful as Russian art, and for another, it was often very…sharp. Pictures could look almost like photographs. Tatiana was no art critic, of course, much less an artist but – at home, the landscapes might be as real as one pleased, but people, animals, these were more stylized. Anton Petrovich had once given her a very boring lecture about why - personal portraits were one thing, but pictures such as those were symbols - windows to other places and times - rather than things in and of themselves, painted according to the lines of ancient patterns. Tatiana could glance at paintings in that tradition and while there would be marks of originality, in some ways, there would also be recognizable repetitions which would allow her to quickly identify the subject, without imbuing it with so much detail as to confuse the eye and give the image more power than was intrinsic to paintings.

Professor Hawthorne was going on, though, saying that one of the things that helped defend against Veela enchantments was...sex-shal orientation. Tatiana stared blankly, lost again. Orientation was what first years went to, to learn their way around school - perhaps it was a kind of lesson? Maybe in focusing one’s mind, based on how Professor Hawthorne went on? Or maybe it was a kind of martial art - she had said something about ‘straight men,’ so men with good posture, perhaps achieved through extended practice? Did that mean ballet could help resist enchantments? Tatiana supposed there had to be some advantages to not liking to sit still - and maybe even to being easily distracted.

There had been words in the speech which she had not understood at all - susceptible, obsession, lust - but she thought she had sorted out enough. She remained firm in this happy delusion for several full seconds, even, after Kir McLeod began to speak, though she did wonder why he suddenly started talking about ‘liking’ people at the end. Of course people had friends who were like themselves; it was the opposite that led to trouble, led to courtships and marriages and life becoming very very tedious. Then Professor Hawthorne started talking again and her delusion was promptly shattered.

Tatiana stared blankly at the huge list of words Professor Hawthorne wrote on the board. She recognized letters, strung them together into sounds, but none of them made any sense, and neither did what the Professor was saying. She did not understand half the words and she did not understand the ways the words she did recognize were being used. And this was in the lesson now. She had to know it and there were so many words she didn’t understand and some of them weren’t even going on the blackboard -

She reached for her dictionary and started flipping, trying to suppress a surge of panic. One word often led to others, and by flipping back and forth, writing down definitions, often enough, she could figure out what was meant. She started with the word which began with ‘A’ - or tried to. Flip as she would, even checking the alphabets chart to make sure she had her English letters straight, she could not find it in her dictionary.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

She covered her face in her hands, trying to block out the room, the excessive flow words, the smug boy who just kept making the words come. She put her elbows on the desk without any concern for propriety, pressing hard on her eyelids, not sure what would be more appropriate - crying or getting up, walking over to the smug boy, and hitting him as hard and as frequently as she could until she was physically stopped from doing so. This second plan was looking more and more alluring when she realized someone was seeking her attention.

"What?" she snapped, looking up, flushed and blurry-eyed, her mouth turning harshly downward.

OOC: In English….”Tatya, what is this?” “Don’t know.” “Look, it’s Professor Skies.” “Oh, no. I don’t like Professor Skies. She always says too many words.”

Zhar-ptitsa - firebird

16 Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari I hate you. 1396 Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari 0 5

Jehan Callahan, Aladren

September 01, 2018 6:58 AM

Hoping to help by Jehan Callahan, Aladren

It was a few days after MARS Incident 2.0, and things were still not back to normal. Jehan didn’t think they ever would go back to normal.

He'd managed to hold off the tears until he'd returned to his dorm, but they had quickly turned into tears of anger, anger at Dorian for just denying what had happened, for lying about them and obviously not valuing their friendship, whatever level of friendship it had been. But the anger had disappeared just as quickly, because Jehan couldn't stay angry at Dorian for long. Then the sadness came again because Dorian had a right to regret what had happened, but why then couldn't Dorian have just not done anything, not said anything in the first place? And above everything else, Jehan was just so confused. What did Dorian want from him?

The situation between Jehan and Dorian since then could be summed up as one of avoidance. Their usual Saturday MARS session didn't happen, of course. Unlike last time, Jehan didn’t - couldn’t - pretend that nothing was wrong. He figured that he should keep his distance from Dorian, based on the reasoning that if Dorian regretted what had happened, he probably didn’t want Jehan to be around him. As such, Jehan had spent quite a lot of the weekend alone, especially given that he didn’t want their other friends to get awkwardly caught in the crossfire of this, whatever it was. Classes were a relief, a welcome distraction from this horrible new variety of normal.

Jehan felt very sorry for Cleo throughout the lesson and, following a quick glance around, was relieved to confirm that she wasn't actually present. It must be bad enough to go through the whole thing without having your status as a not-quite-human exposed to the entire school, and in such a clinical fashion. Humans were overrated anyway, he would have told Cleo, and he was sure that learning how to defend oneself about veelas wouldn't help with people's perceptions of Cleo. After all, if she was actually dangerous she wouldn't be allowed at Sonora, so learning defences against her was unnecessary. Right?

Still, he supposed one might encounter a veela in the wild, so he dutifully took notes. He idly wondered if there had ever been cases of male veela. Now that would be interesting.

All of a sudden the topic of conversation was hijacked by a boy in his brother's year, asking the most inane question. Even if Jehan hadn't heard the two words together before, he understood them separately, so the term sexual orientation hardly needed explained. Then he rebuked himself for not thinking of Dorian and Tatya, who might actually benefit from an explanation. And then he rebuked himself again for thinking about Dorian, because that was just painful.

The class discussion (if one could call it that) spiralled from there, and Jehan found himself getting increasingly frustrated with Kir, who had disrupted a lesson to start playing professor and informing everyone about a perfectly simple concept in the most complex of ways. To make matters worse, Professor Hawthorne was joining in, and Jehan's opinion of the professor, who had previously seemed a decent enough sort, was fast dropping. Admittedly she did try and relate things back to veela, but overall it was a mess. This conversation was unnecessary, overcomplicated, and hardly relevant. Feelings were feelings, and to analyse them and discuss them and make them public in such a way just took all the meaning out of them, and seemed wrong, in a way he found it hard to fully explain to himself. Such things weren't a matter for classroom debate. It was as bad as Professor Hawthorne and Professor Skies teaching everyone that Cleo was some kind of dangerous non-human.

In his frustration he put down his pen, refusing to take any notes on this. He glanced around to see what everyone else seemed to be thinking, when he caught sight of Tatya, who didn't seem to be doing so well. Luckily he was sitting next to her, so he was able to lean over and check on his friend. He gently put a hand on her shoulder to subtly get her attention, and realised that things definitely were not okay, given her snappy and upset response.

“What's wrong?” he asked, not bothering asking if she was okay when she obviously wasn't, but unsure as to what exactly the problem was. It could be a difficulty with understanding - the professor and Kir seemed to be inventing unnecessary words left, right, and centre - or maybe Tatya was just frustrated, like him.

“I can explain it later, but it's glupyy anyway,” he reassured her, trying to cover both bases and hoping that he'd got the Russian right.

OOC: Jehan's opinions don't necessarily represent mine, and I actually think the professors are handling the situation rather well. Also I hope I got the Russian right, if not I'll blame the internet/my lack of Russian dictionary. I’m attempting to say stupid.

9 Jehan Callahan, Aladren Hoping to help 1398 Jehan Callahan, Aladren 0 5

Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw

September 01, 2018 9:37 AM

You make my heart shake, bend and break by Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw

The dark circles under Dorian’s eyes were somewhat reduced by Monday morning. He had given in and gone to the medic for some sleeping draft, claiming the adjustment of timezones was messing him up. He was getting pretty good at making excuses. He had made excuses to Katerina over the weekend as well. He had spent a long time holed up in Teppenpaw, which meant that he couldn’t forget his promise, what with the Byzantine book staring accusingly at him from his bedside table, but nor could he face going to the library to complete the errand. He had penned her a note, in lazy English, apologising but saying that he was not feeling well, that her book was helping, and that he would try to get back to her soon.

He had managed to come up with two alternatives for Jehan’s reaction in MARS. His first idea, that Jehan had understood his feelings and was alarmed by them still felt like the most likely option. The only option, really. He had just managed to come up with a slight variation on that theme; ‘alarmed’ did not have to mean ‘disgusted’ or ‘against’ - perhaps Jehan felt confused and scared, just as he did, especially about the possibility of Vlad realising that something was going on between them. It was, after all, a pretty confusing idea to have to deal with. Boys went out with girls, not with each other. He didn’t hate the feelings he had for Jehan. He loved him. And love was the most powerful magic in the universe, and it mattered more than anything. If the universe had chosen to make his soulmate another boy, then that was scarcely his fault, and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t even wish that Jehan was a girl or that any of it was different, because… well, then Jehan wouldn’t be Jehan. You couldn’t wish your soulmate was different than how they were. That was sort of the point. The only thing he wished was different was that everything wasn’t all screwed up between them.

Still, in spite of not hating his own feelings, they also hadn’t exactly been easy to process. So, either his soulmate hated the idea of them being together, or had spent the weekend just as alone and freaked out as he had been. As he would have been without Professor Brooding. Because who could Jehan talk to about how he was feeling when he didn’t have Dorian? He was resolved to at least try to talk to him. There was a good chance he was going to get shot down. That it really was the first option, and that Jehan would reject him. But thinking about Jehan being alone and in agony was the worst thing he could imagine. The ideal of love itself, the abstract notion of it being worth the risk for love, had not been enough to move him, something he felt to show a profound lack of character on his part. But perhaps it had just needed some practical application… Saving the person he loved - that was worth taking risks for.

Until that happened though, he still wasn’t sure how to really deal with life. He had skipped breakfast, and arrived to class only just on time, in order to avoid having to make small talk. The very real disadvantage of this plan was the severe lack of seats available. There was one next to - next to Tatya and Katerina, who, along with the rest of the school, was here. And Jehan was on Tatya’s other side. Whilst he had resolved to try to make things up between them, that obviously could not happen in the middle of class, and he thought it was going to be a special kind of torture being this close to Jehan but still so very much divided. He slid into the seat, mumbling a good morning in the general direction of the table. His eyes flicked briefly towards Jehan, trying to search his face for any clues, but not wanting to get caught looking.

He stared straight ahead, watching Professor Skies as she spoke. Cleo was half-veela. The shock of the information was enough for it to filter through everything else that was going on, but it didn’t feel like it affected him much, given that his first thought was who even was Cleo? He had had classes with her for a year, and now for an additional week, and he could vaguely picture her - blonde, obviously, given what they had just been told. But it took him a minute to bring any clearer picture than that of her to mind. He had never really noticed her. The main thing he felt was sympathy. He knew what it was like to be different. This was definitely on another level, but his chat - his first chat - with Professor Brooding came to mind. The main measure of a person was weather they loved others. Professor Skies had told them that she didn’t want them to change how they treated Cleo. He mostly never really spent time with her, so that was easy enough, he supposed, although it didn’t feel like being particularly kind, and he wanted to be kind...

He scribbled mechanically throughout Professor Hawthorne’s lecture. Words lately, sort of went in enough for his hand to write them, but his brain didn’t do much thinking about them, unless forced to go over them again later. He was turning to his parchment, ready to actually try to make them sink in, and work on the essay, when Kir asked about what something had meant.

Then things got really weird, really fast. Because suddenly Professor Hawthorne was not talking about veela any more. She was talking about… about him. Dorian stopped writing. Dorian actually, for the first time in days, started listening, really listening. He hesitated, wondering what the appropriate reaction to all of this was. He really, really did not want to stand out right now. He knew he couldn’t help the fact that he was in love with Jehan, and he did not hate himself. He was not convinced that other people would feel the same way though, and he didn’t want anyone else to know. What was the neutral reaction though? If he took notes, did he look too interested? If he just stared blankly, did it seem like… like something else? No one else seemed to be taking notes so he thought it best not to, and to just sort of focus his eyes just above the board, and try to look like he wasn’t here because that was how he had looked for the last few days, and there was no reason why now should be any different, given that this was not deeply personal and did not affect him at all. He tried to breathe evenly. This information would have been useful had it come considerably earlier in his life. He supposed it still was useful. This was a real thing. It was a thing that happened to other people too, not just him. He just would have liked to work out what he was feeling in some situation other than almost acting on those feelings, coming with a hair’s breadth of kissing his best friend, making a room have some kind of visual break down, and then having his friend run out on him. Maybe if he had known any of this before now, he would have handled it all a lot better. He was pretty sure he couldn’t have handled it any worse.

He wondered what Jehan was making of this information. He tried to steal a sideways glance at him, but it was hard to make out his face without making it really obvious that he was looking. Tatya, however, seemed to be flicking frantically through her dictionary. Dorian’s eyes glanced over the list of words on the board. There were a lot of them. And some were long and strange and even the short ones seemed quite technical and he was pretty sure most of these were too specific to be in a dictionary, even if they were the sorts of things that were in dictionaries given to polite young ladies, which he suspected they might not be because this was all to do with…. Interactions. The kinds that one did not talk about. Tatya seemed to give up on following what was going on, which Dorian was somewhat relieved by. He wanted to reach out, to check on her, but he was a little bit afraid of being drawn into a conversation about what all this meant. Jehan got there first.

It was, according to Jehan, all stupid.

Dorian’s head snapped up, forgetting that he was supposed to be avoiding everything. He stared at Jehan across the top of Tatya’s head, their eyes locking. There was his answer then. And it was the one he had suspected and had dreaded but… Jehan was not normally a callous person. And Dorian struggled to believe it even now. However much Jehan disliked how Dorian felt about him, it was surely another step to make remarks like that, when he was plainly within earshot. It was too far, to believe that Jehan would deliberately hurt him. The best case scenario was that Jehan was just trying to cheer Tatya up, wasn’t thinking about what he was saying. They had all agreed at one point or another with Tatya that things were glupyy without really meaning it. Jehan was not cruel. Jehan was not unkind. And Dorian searched his face for some reassurance that that was the case. And in Dorian’s own face, Jehan would finally have the chance to read that what was going through Dorian’s mind right now - and what had been since Wednesday night - was confusion and fear - so much fear - and an awful lot of hurt.

OOC - I did check with Jehan before jumping on his thread and making everything about them. He agreed. Tatya got no choice, but I sensed that she was sad at not being pulled into all the melodrama.

13 Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw You make my heart shake, bend and break 1401 Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw 0 5

Tatiana Vorontsova

September 01, 2018 9:58 PM

This is more than I can take. by Tatiana Vorontsova

Tatiana immediately regretted snapping, but like so many things she had said in her life, it was too late to take it back, to think rationally about the situation and calculate her response the way a proper lady would. She buried her face in her hands again, wondering if she could suffocate herself that way until she fainted and had to be carried out of class on a litter and could therefore successfully avoid the rest of this whole dreadful class.

“Izvinite menya,” she moaned disconsolately into her own palms, her breath unpleasantly warm against them. “Ya ne ponimayu – je ne comprende pas la professeure. Pardonne, s’il vous plait.” Forgive me – I don’t understand – I do not understand the professor. Pardon me, please.

He promised to explain later, even though the whole subject was stupid, which made her feel slightly better, though she couldn’t help but wonder if the addendum about its stupidity was condescending. Jehan was a native English speaker, and Dorian, the only other foreigner in their set, was much more fluent than Tatiana, perhaps simply due to the closeness of the relationship between English and French. She tried not to think of this, however - she hated to think first of Jehan and Vladya comparing her to Dorian and thinking of her as a simple-minded peasant, and more, worse, she hated to think of Dorian - the only person in their year who really knew what it was like – thinking of her as a simple-minded peasant.

“She uses words, not even in my dictionary,” complained Tatiana, pointing accusingly to the volume in question, and then she noticed that Jehan no longer seemed to be paying attention, instead looking at something over her head. She looked in the direction he was looking and found…Dorian.

Katya had told her that Dorian was ill and keeping to his room over the weekend, and Tatiana had noticed he looked not himself before this, though she thought he looked a bit better than he had and had assumed the rest had done him good. Now, though, he was staring one way and Jehan was staring the other and she was acutely aware of being out of some kind of loop. This was never a pleasant feeling, but at the moment, it was significantly worse than usual, since she was already out of the loop of whatever in the world the class had devolved into, and she did not want her friends leaving her out the same way the professor and stupid Kir McLeod who she really wanted to go kick in the shins had. “Dorya – vse khorosho?” she asked. Is everything okay?

16 Tatiana Vorontsova This is more than I can take. 1396 Tatiana Vorontsova 0 5

Jehan Callahan

September 04, 2018 11:39 AM

I can't turn away by Jehan Callahan

Jehan’s offer to help didn’t seem to have the desired effect, as Tatya buried her face in her hands again. Why did his friends all insist on apologising for things that weren’t their fault? But it turned out that one of his guesses was right, and Tatya didn’t understand what exactly was happening in the class discussion. That was mildly reassuring, as it was a problem that, well, he couldn’t solve, but as far as he was concerned it wasn’t a problem.

“It's okay, Tatya. I think she’s making words up,” he explained, never having heard such words before and not really understanding why they would exist in the English language.

And then Dorian’s eyes caught his and much to his shame – he didn’t mean to ignore Tatya, honest – his attention was diverted. It was so hard, being so close to Dorian yet separated, both physically and metaphorically. He didn’t want any more reminders that Dorian had rejected him (and that little voice in his head kept wondering what exactly Dorian had rejected, if it had been their friendship or the kiss or Jehan’s feelings or just Jehan). He hadn’t looked into Dorian’s eyes since that almost-moment.

Dorian’s eyes had always been so expressive.

Dorian’s eyes were still so expressive, and Jehan didn’t understand.

The hurt that Jehan felt was reflected right back at him.

This didn’t make any sense. Why was Dorian feeling hurt? Jehan’s first instinct was to hug his friend (was he allowed to call Dorian that anymore?), to comfort him and stop whatever it was that made him feel so hurt, but he suppressed that. He didn’t have the right to do that anymore, Dorian had made that quite clear. Jehan tried to cling on to the anger he’d felt and to his own hurt, a feeling of hurt that hadn’t lessened but seemed more and more irrelevant as Jehan realised that Dorian was not okay. And he hated himself for that, hated that after all this he still wanted to put Dorian’s feelings before his own.

It was like some strange sort of circle, a sort of feedback loop. Jehan was now feeling angry again, angry at himself. Dorian had rejected him. Dorian didn’t want him, Dorian had lied about him, Dorian was ashamed of him, so why did he still care about Dorian? Tatya’s concern for Dorian helped Jehan fuel this anger, helped prevent him from giving in to his feelings of worry and concern for Dorian. Why was Tatya concerned about Dorian, when Dorian was the one who had hurt Jehan? Jehan knew this wasn’t really fair, as he didn’t think Tatya knew what had happened, but it didn’t stop him feeling a little abandoned.

“He’s probably upset that I’m near him,” muttered Jehan in a poor attempt at self-defence against these feelings, and he knew that it wasn’t a fair comment. It didn’t make sense for Jehan’s presence to make Dorian feel hurt, of all things, but Jehan had to hold onto his anger at the other boy, before he became pathetic. He shouldn’t let himself care so much about Dorian, not anymore, but it was so hard not to. Biting his lip, he tried to keep the tears in. It just hurt, to be so near Dorian and know that nothing was the same anymore.

9 Jehan Callahan I can't turn away 1398 Jehan Callahan 0 5

Dorian

September 05, 2018 9:37 AM

Anything hurts less than the quiet by Dorian

One thing was clear: Jehan was in exactly as much pain as he was. Dorian felt his heart twist in absolute agony. That was the only thing that was clear though. Everything else was a mystery, and it appeared it was only going to get more confusing. He only vaguely registered Tatya asking if he was alright. Jehan's reply though stung like a hex.

He's probably upset that I am near him.

There had been times last year when Jehan had been sad and he hadn't known why, and he had thought that to be the worst feeling in the world. He had been wrong. Because now Jehan was hurt and this time, he had done it. It felt like his soul was breaking apart to see so much suffering in Jehan's eyes and to feel responsible for it.

"Jehan!" The word was uttered quietly enough not to be out of place in class, but it was short, sharp, shocked. "Non!” And then, because other languages were confusing, could have you saying ‘no’ to show you agreed as well as disagreed (‘You don’t want me near you?’ ‘No, I do.’ ‘No I don’t’), Chinese, which did a much clearer job, and told the person whether their statement was correct or incorrect. “Bu dui," he said firmly. Not correct. Because Jehan could not be allowed to think that, not ever.

He wanted to reach out, take Jehan in his arms and tell him that he could never, ever be close enough. He wanted to shout that he loved him. And also, kind of, that Jehan was an idiot. Because how could Jehan think that? How, when he was the one who had run out on Dorian? And it was the second time in less than a week that Jehan had leapt to some wild conclusion about him, one that wasn't at all in keeping with Dorian's character. Why did he keep doing this? And what was he supposed to say to that? You ran away from me! Why do you keep thinking the worst of me? I want you so badly it hurts. But they were in class. They were either side of Tatya. They could not have this conversation here, and he was alarmed at Jehan lashing out at him both because that was horrible in itself but also because they were in public. He knew he ought to look away. There was a reason he had been avoiding this, and it was because he had no idea how to conceal his feelings. Why was Jehan risking dragging all of this out in such a public place?

He needed so desperately to talk to him in private. He thought about making an excuse to the Professor, that he felt ill, to ask if Jehan could take him to the medic. But what if it was obvious that it was this topic that was making him uncomfortable? What would people read into him and Jehan going off together? If that even happened. The Professor might refuse to excuse one or even both of them - he didn't exactly look sick enough to need to leave, much less need help. In any other class, he could probably have faked some kind of accident or injury to escape. But unless he could stab his quill through his hand in a way that seemed plausibly accidental, he was stuck here. He also knew, deep down, that he was too frightened of being in pain to do that, and though the rational part of him said that no one really thought that was a good idea, he felt the sting again of the fact that he was always afraid, always a coward. But even if he had done, there was no guarantee it would give them a chance to be alone together. Jehan might refuse to go with him, even if given the opportunity - in spite of Jehan accusing Dorian of not wanting to be with him, it still felt like the issue was Jehan disliking him, or something he had done. And he would rather be here, next to Jehan, than anywhere without him, even though right now there was so much pain between them. He wanted to make that better, even though he had no idea how to fix this with a room full of onlookers and was frankly terrified of trying.

Then someone asked a question, sending Professor Hawthorne into another lengthy explanation. One that Dorian wasn't even listening to. He rested his head on one hand, and tried hard to think. You chose. Or possibly choose. He doesn't want to be near me. These were the only insights he had into Jehan's feelings. That, and that Jehan was hurt. He supposed he had avoided him since Wednesday. That explained two of those points - the accusation of not wanting to be near him and the hurt. But not whatever ‘you cho(o)se’ was supposed to have meant, and not why Jehan had run away… If Jehan thought that Dorian was avoiding him but didn’t realise what Dorian felt for him, then that explained his hurt. But if Jehan did not know how Dorian felt, he would not have run away. He couldn’t make all of the things make sense together. He had withdrawn because he had thought that Jehan didn't want him. Because he had no idea how to act around Jehan in a way that didn't show his love. What was even allowed between them now? Jehan had run away. But what... missed him as a friend? If that was all Jehan wanted between them, Dorian would try but he didn't even know how. The way he had always caressed Jehan, talked to him, it all seemed so full of love, now that he could see it. If Jehan didn't want that, then what was left, except for the burnt out miserable hull that Dorian had been since Wednesday night?

If Jehan knew how Dorian felt and was not repulsed by it, would he have run away? Were they both just scared and confused? If Jehan was his soulmate, he was supposed to love him back. Was it only completely mad, wild optimism that let him consider that a possibility? Jehan was angry at them being apart from each other, that much was clear. But did he want Dorian as a friend, and if so what did that even mean, or as more? He needed answers to all of that, and he could not get them sitting in a class about veela. How was it possible that their classmate being half a different species was not the biggest issue in the room right now? He had barely even spared a thought for Cleo, who had just had her biggest secret-

Her biggest secret. One that affected all her relationships with other people.

As Professor Hawthorne wrapped up her explanation of - whatever it was, he really hadn’t heard a word since Jehan had spoken - Dorian turned back to his friends.

“Maybe this,” he gestured vaguely to the board, “is best discuss after class. Like you say,” he thought Jehan had said something about filling in Tatya later. His eyes flicked up to Jehan, aware he was sort of fishing for them to spend time, and wondering how that would be met. Although he didn’t really want to get drawn into that now, especially if Jehan was going to get all scary and accusatory again. His voice was definitely nowhere near as calm as he would have liked. His tone was far too deliberately careful and there was a shake to his words in spite of it. "How you think Cleo feel right now?” he asked. “Être différent est toujours difficile... She learns this about herself, and suddenly all the relationships with other people maybe changed. Also, this really private thing is revealed, and she have no idea how other people will react. If it is me, I am terrified. You?" and he tried to meet Jehan’s eyes as steadily as he could. To seem to Tatya like he was just asking a hypothetical question, but to let Jehan know that the subject really hadn’t changed at all.

13 Dorian Anything hurts less than the quiet 1401 Dorian 0 5

Tatiana

September 05, 2018 6:05 PM

Something has to give here. by Tatiana

Emotional intelligence was not, it had to be acknowledged, one of Tatiana’s strong areas. She had very little capacity for introspection and tended to be too busy sweeping others – Katya, Alexei, her friends here – along with her own forward motion to analyze their turns of expression or phrase very deeply – and anyway, if something was wrong, wasn’t it better to just plow forward without looking back?

Clearly, however, something had happened in the recent past, and it was a problem. Dorya and Vanya were very close. Dorya liked Vanya very much. Vanya liked Dorya very much. They liked each other so much that sometimes she was jealous, though she tried not to think about it too much, and batted the thought aside now – the point was that Dorian and Jehan were extremely close, almost like twins, except in appearance. So why would Dorian be upset that Jehan was near him?

Dorian seemed to agree with her assessment, but the violence with which he said it confirmed her notion that something was very wrong. She looked back and forth between them suspiciously, and her look did not get any less suspicious when Dorian started talking again, this time not so sharply, but still all wrong.

“I would tell you, if it were me,” said Tatiana, shrugging, upon some talk about how Cleo didn’t know how people were taking her secret. “Before the professor told. But ya ne vila, ne volnuysya,” - I am not a veela, don’t worry, she joked, but Dorian was still staring so! And so was Jehan, looking decidedly unhappy! She rapped the desk with her knuckles in annoyance, along with a healthy helping of worry. The annoyance was from her habitual dislike of feeling ignored. The worry was because they were acting so peculiarly. Either way, she hoped to call their attention away from each other. “You two – ne smotri tak,” she pleaded. Don’t look so.

16 Tatiana Something has to give here. 1396 Tatiana 0 5

Jehan

September 10, 2018 1:51 PM

Revelation by Jehan

Jehan had known that his statement had been an unfair accusation, and this was corroborated by Dorian’s quick refutation of the idea. Still, Dorian had seemed to have been avoiding him, and he just wanted a logical explanation for that. He wanted to know what exactly had gone wrong, where exactly they stood now. He couldn’t cope with all the uncertainty and, even though he suspected that there would be no happily ever after, he just wanted everything sorted out, the air cleared. For Tatya’s sake too, as the poor girl was quite literally caught in the middle of them.

Now, was apparently, not to be the time for sorting everything out. Dorian wanted to postpone the discussion. Jehan wasn’t sure if Dorian was referring to Professor Hawthorne’s complicated not-lesson, or to their problems, but either way he couldn’t help but feel a little spurned. He got the impression that, once more, Dorian wanted to keep things private and hidden. Part of him knew that Dorian was a private person, and of course Dorian was entitled to that, but Jehan had built up a world view around the idea that people with illogical opinions just didn’t matter. It was hard for him not to link Dorian’s continued avoidance of the topic with the idea that Dorian was ashamed, and that just gave him yet another conclusion to leap to. Maybe Professor Hawthorne’s lesson was linked too, and Dorian was ashamed that Jehan liked boys? But no, that was so unlike Dorian, and Jehan told himself off for even considering that. He wasn’t going to accuse Dorian of being prejudiced again.

Dorian moved the discussion back to Cleo, but somehow Jehan got the feeling that Dorian was just using Cleo as a mask for discussing other subjects. He knew Dorian had low self-esteem, and he knew that Dorian worried about how people would react to him, but Jehan couldn’t help but think the opposite When asked how he would react in such a situation.

“I agree with Tatya,” he replied, not meaning it in an antagonistic anti-Dorian way, but simply trying to make Tatya feel more included, despite the rather intense looks he and Dorian kept shooting each other.

“The people who matter wouldn’t care about any secret, and the people would care don’t matter. There’s no point in being ashamed of who you are.”

That basically summed up Jehan’s philosophy to life. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that people could have strongly negative feelings about things, but letting such people win was just a waste of all the possibilities life had to offer. Jehan hadn’t cared if anyone had heard him asking Luke to the ball last year, and he was willing to put up with dislike from people in order to stay true to himself. And, with that thought in his head alongside what he knew about Dorian, Jehan couldn’t help but see the MARS situation in a slightly different light. Maybe the problem had simply been how different the two boys were? Maybe Dorian hadn’t been ashamed of Jehan, but simply embarrassed that Vlad had almost caught them in such an intense moment, especially as Dorian probably hadn’t really wanted it to go so far?

Tatya rapped on the desk with her knuckles, and Jehan hated the way that made Dorian flinch. He smiled at her – you couldn’t not smile when Tatya told you to stop looking sad. “Sorry, Tatya,” he said, and then threw caution and angst to the wind and decided that Dorian couldn’t have meant to hurt him, not like that. “I think Dorian and I had a misunderstanding the other day.”

OOC: Dorian's reaction confirmed by his author.

9 Jehan Revelation 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

September 11, 2018 7:54 PM

Barely keeping up by Dorian

Tatya would just tell the truth. Well, he had done that. Somewhat unintentionally, he supposed, but he had done, and how he felt had had Jehan running for the door. He wondered briefly whether Tatya meant she would tell her friends first or simply announce it to the world. Shyness was not exactly a quality anyone would ever ascribe to her. Either way, he had already tried her advice. He was about to ask what one should do if such a confession drove your friend out of the room when Jehan chimed in, almost providing an answer to that very question. The people who matter wouldn’t care, and the people who cared wouldn’t matter… But Jehan had to know that he mattered, and he had walked out on Dorian - which suggesting caring a great deal about the issue, firmly in the negative column. Along with that was the suggestion Jehan had made that everything Professor Brooding had said about boys liking boys was stupid… It felt like he didn’t want Dorian to feel like he did. And yet Jehan was advocating not hiding how you felt, or being ashamed of who you were. The two halves of Jehan’s opinion just didn’t add up, and Dorian was completely confused about where that left the two of them.

Beyond the issue of his relationship (in the broadest sense of the term) with Jehan, there was the wider world. Jehan’s summary felt glib and oversimplified. It was not so easy to move people from column to column. Yes, he knew from his experience with Matthieu, that if anyone tried to push him down and tell him he was worthless, he should push back, or at the very least ignore them. It had taken him ten years to learn that lesson, because it was hard to be brave when someone made you feel weak and small but he had felt so much better after shedding the responsibility of caring what Matthieu thought. He realised how much power he had given Matthieu over him in allowing him to define who he, Dorian, was a person, and it was not a mistake he would be making again. But it was going to be hard in a different way if he had to it over, with a new round of people. What if it was Tatya, or Mama, or Émilie that started hating him? He didn’t want to have to have the same fight again, the fight he had just finished having, and especially not with people who mattered. It was not an easy or a painless process to cut yourself off from someone who was hurting you if you happened to also love that person. You couldn’t simply stop loving someone just because they didn’t love you anymore.

He was about to say some of this… When Tatya rapped on the table, interrupting them. Dorian flinched at the sound, conscious that she might be calling attention to them, although it was probably louder in his head than it was in real life. Looking rather uncomfortable at being called out, he abruptly diverted his eyes away from Jehan.

“Prosti, Tatya,” he offered. He was unsure what to make of Jehan’s explanation. He was grateful that he was trying to smooth it over with Tatya, being diplomatic. A misunderstanding. That implied there wasn’t fault on either side, didn’t it? It certainly seemed less accusatory than suggesting Dorian had done something wrong. Was he just being polite, euphemistic for Tatya’s sake? Misunderstanding… As they hadn’t fought, it was a good word, he supposed. But if Jehan meant it, then what, precisely, did he mean by it? Was he referring to Dorian’s words and actions, suggesting they had been unsolicited and unwelcome, or to what had happened since? Jehan had used the word ‘ashamed’ which didn’t apply, as far as he was concerned, to his own feelings, and his comment about Dorian not wanting him- Jehan seemed to be misunderstanding him plenty, but Dorian still had no idea where his friend was coming from either. Misunderstanding certainly summed it up, but it was far from over, because he was still completely lost. And it all fitted nicely under the guise of veela. What Cleo would do, if a friend rejected her - how she couldn’t be expected to separate out the veela part from the other parts, if they only wanted one and not the other. How she was supposed to deal with the hurt that the wider world would want to inflict. But he wasn’t sure he could have that conversation without getting lost in the intensity of what he was feeling right now, and Tatya was picking up on it, and was cross about it. And so he had to stop, stuff down everything he was feeling, and stop the discussion they were having. Right as it felt like they were on the verge of something significant. This was becoming a rather irritating theme of the year. Not that he could blame Tatya. The way that they were behaving was not particularly courteous to her, or appropriate to class. There was a reason he was not supposed to be looking at Jehan right now. He only hoped her irritation came from being ignored, rather than any more accurate interpretation of the situation.

“Just… misunderstanding?” he confirmed, his eyes briefly seeking out Jehan’s, trying to seek reassurance, wondering whether any part of the smile he was currently giving was available to Dorian, or whether it was just a show for Tatya. And if they were calling it that, he still needed to know what had been misunderstood and by whom. He didn’t want it to just be labelled a ‘misunderstanding’ and swept away. He wanted the fight to be over, but unless he understood where they stood with each other, it was only going to happen again. He looked away again, remembering the risk in getting too drawn in to trying to read Jehan’s eyes right now, and searched instead for something he could say to both of them.

“This year… This year feels like everything keeps going upside down, and I cannot keep up or understand,” he admitted. It was a feeling Tatya, he knew, could relate to. Jehan, who seemed to breeze through life so very easily, might not. But at least he might start to understand where Dorian was coming from.

13 Dorian Barely keeping up 1401 Dorian 0 5

Tatiana

September 13, 2018 12:01 AM

Likewise. by Tatiana

Tatiana twisted her bottom lip in her teeth, thinking through what Jehan said. She could think of reasons why it would be reasonable to be ashamed of who you were – what if what you were was a really bad person? In that case, shame and a desire to improve was the only proper response. However, that had nothing to do with Cleo – did it? Being a veela sort of – well, they weren’t people, that was the problem. They couldn’t be terrible people when they were not, in fact, people. As beings, though – could they choose to be better or worse beings, considering their nature?

Before she could even attempt to put any of this into an organized form and then translate that into English or French for the boys, however, she got the distinct impression of being out of the loop again, and then had enough, and then was relieved when at least Jehan didn’t lie to her or pretend she was stupid and seeing things. A misunderstanding. Huh. Big misunderstanding, to judge by how they were acting.

“Easy to have,” she agreed, because misunderstanding was a frequent feature of her days, if not quite the kind she knew perfectly well they meant.

She grimaced a little in sympathy as Dorian expressed his thoughts on the year, putting out her hand and stroking his shoulder without a second thought. “Hey, hey – it’s not so bad. Not as bad like last year, huh?” she asked in a hopefully soothing tone. “This time we are not sick.” If you had your health, the rest could be worked out, she thought.

16 Tatiana Likewise. 1396 Tatiana 0 5

Jehan and Dorian

September 22, 2018 4:12 AM

Behaving ourselves by Jehan and Dorian

Dorian was asking Jehan to confirm that it had been a misunderstanding, and at first Jehan thought that didn’t make sense. Surely Dorian would have as much of an idea as Jehan as to what had happened? But no, Jehan reasoned, the misunderstanding had probably been on his side, after all. Jehan had read too much into Dorian’s words and actions, and as such had also read too much into the supposed ‘rejection’ that followed. It hadn’t been a rejection, simply Dorian, private person that he was, being embarrassed about a private moment that had been interrupted. A private moment that had, once more, been less than Jehan had assumed. Jehan hoped this wasn’t going to become a habit. He resolved to learn from this, and not give undue weight to any more moments that he and Dorian might share in the future.

“Oui, just a misunderstanding,” Jehan confirmed, hoping that would put an end to things, both for his sake and for Tatya’s sake. For Dorian’s sake too; the other boy had definitely been upset and hurt by their misunderstanding, and Jehan hated that. He just wanted things to go back to how they had been before, if that would make everyone happy. And Dorian’s next sentence only confirmed that intention. Dorian wasn't happy, and Jehan wanted to fix that.

Everyone was trying to make Dorian feel better… Jehan wanted to assure him it was just a misunderstanding, even though that still didn’t fully make sense, and Tatya was reassuring him about how easily those happened - although he suspected she understood it in a different way than they meant it. Still, her hand on Dorian’s shoulder was warm and comforting. Dorian’s own hand was halfway to meet it when he changed his mind and ran it through his hair instead, suddenly self-conscious of Tatya’s affection for him. He had always been very tactile with Jehan... Because they were friends or because he had feelings for him? He didn’t know any more. And whilst he was certain he did not have those sorts of feelings for Tatya, was everyone going to start thinking that they felt that way about each other if they were as familiar as they always had been? Being a teenager sucked. He didn’t want this. He wanted to be able to curl up and snuggle into his friends the way he always had done without it being complicated. Ok, he wanted to snuggle Tatya the way he always had done without it being complicated. He wanted more than he had had before with Jehan. But, in some ways, it felt like such a logical extension of everything that had come before… And the part about wanting it to not be complicated definitely applied. He just wanted Jehan to put his arms around him, kiss him, and tell him everything was going to be okay. Not right this second, obviously, but that was what he wanted…

He shrugged his shoulders at her statement, more to dislodge her hand, which suddenly felt hot and embarrassing, than because he had any real ambivalence about what she had said. He hoped that neither of the gestures he had made had been too obvious. The last thing he needed was for Tatya to feel like he didn’t want her. He felt so anxious about everything with Jehan, and he really needed a friend right now, even if he doubted he could tell her what was wrong.

“I suppose so, soeurette,” he nodded, trying to make her feel reassured and appreciated, whilst clearly reaffirming what their relationship was. He wasn’t sure he had ever used this more personal of his nicknames for Tatya around Jehan before but he wanted to be sure that there was no ambiguity regarding how he felt about Tatya. He did not entertain the possibility that she saw him as anything other than a friend, but the last thing he needed were any more…. Misunderstandings. He gave her a smile. It was genuine, even if it didn’t really reach his eyes, as he wanted to make her know her efforts were appreciated. Admittedly, he was glad that he was not sick right now, not with everything else that was going on. He dreaded to think what outbursts his accidental magic would be causing if he was. It had been bad enough projecting his feelings last year, when it had only been Professor Wright on the receiving end, and he hadn’t understood the angry French notes that Dorian had produced. Although he’d heard that one of the fifth years last year had literally made herself disappear, and there was a case for that being appealing... Even without the sickness, he didn’t feel it was beyond the realms of possibility that he was going to cause some kind of explosion, if this year didn’t start going better. “Hopefully, I do not have to choose. But if I do, I choose sick and have all my friends still speak to me. Maybe my tense is wrong. I know you are speaking with me now,” he added to Jehan. Given that they weren’t pretending there hadn’t been an argument, it seemed safe enough to admit that, and maybe it would be better for them all if they cleared the air a little. “But I really thought you didn’t want to. Because I was being… glupyy?” The last word was a common enough element of Tatya’s vocabulary, and she was immune enough to subtext, that he was sure she wouldn’t read more into it. Of course, for Jehan, it might have entirely different connotations.

“Of course, I always want to speak to you,” Jehan protested, horrified that Dorian had thought so. “I thought you didn’t want to speak to me.” And no, he didn’t blink a few times to get rid of tears at the thought of the horrible few days he’d had, honest. Perhaps unfortunately, Jehan didn’t read into the subtext that the word glupyy could have suggested, simply thinking that Dorian was trying to take the blame for their misunderstanding. Jehan didn’t want to address that idea, as he couldn’t deny that Dorian’s words and actions had hurt him. However, that wasn’t Dorian’s fault, and Jehan didn’t want the other boy to feel the need to censor everything he did or said around Jehan. Boiled down to the simple concept of speaking to people, it seemed obvious that the MARS situation was just a misunderstanding. Jehan hoped that was indeed so, because he couldn’t cope with the idea that Dorian really had been ashamed of him, and that things couldn’t go back to normal.

That was a silly thought, because Dorian seemed to want to speak to him, but Jehan still had to check that their friendship hadn’t been ruined forever. “We can just go back to normal, yes?”

Dorian swallowed hard. What was there to ‘misunderstand’ about someone walking out on you? How did that indicate that they always wanted to talk to you? Was it him? Was he being stupid, missing the point constantly of what Jehan was saying? That was how it felt. None of it added up. I always want to talk to you - but you walked out. People shouldn’t have to be ashamed of who they are - but boys liking other boys is stupid. How were you supposed to feel, other than ashamed, when someone said that, and when they knew that was how you felt?

But Jehan was extending the olive branch, offering to put things back to normal. And obviously Dorian could not refuse that in front of Tatya without seeming strange or petty, nor could he resist at all the reassurance that he hadn’t, at least, screwed it all up so badly that he had lost Jehan’s friendship. He wanted to discuss ‘normal’ and what that was supposed to mean, but he couldn’t do that here. He searched for something to say… I will if you will… but that didn’t cover how he was scared that he didn’t know what ‘normal’ meant and that one wrong move on his part was going to cause all this to blow up again. Part of him wanted to snap that he hoped the definition of ‘normal’ included not walking out on people when they were upset and needed you, but he was too afraid of what Jehan could come back with in response if they started spelling out their definitions - normal didn’t include trying to kiss people either, presumably. And there was nothing he could say, no checking of the rules or the lines, that didn’t risk opening up the question of what he had done that had crossed it.

“Yes,” he agreed, trying not to sound as miserable as he felt, like Jehan had just backed him into a corner where he couldn’t say what he really wanted. It probably wasn’t Jehan’s fault, but his own inability to be adequately articulate in English. Just like it wasn’t Jehan’s fault that he’d done something stupid and unwanted. If he couldn’t have Jehan in the way he wanted, then he still wanted them to be friends - of course he did. Jehan made him feel like he was interesting, like he was worthwhile, and he couldn’t risk losing that. Jehan was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and the thought of him turning his back on him was too painful to even contemplate.

“Sorry,” he added again, for good measure. Jehan could use polite little euphemisms about ‘misunderstands’ but the only explanation that made sense was that it was Dorian who had nearly screwed up their whole friendship, and that he would have to be careful from now on what he said and did unless he wanted Jehan to walk out on him again.

13 Jehan and Dorian Behaving ourselves 1401 Jehan and Dorian 0 5

Tatiana

September 24, 2018 5:56 PM

That's no fun. by Tatiana

Tatiana was surprised when Dorian seemed to shrug her off – that was not how he normally acted. Normally, at this point, one of them would be leaning on the other, or at least holding hands. However, his statement made it sound like he was not quite sure he agreed with her, in which case shrugging was normal, plus he was possibly still angry, and she shrugged a lot when she was angry, even if it wasn’t with the person she was speaking to….

At least he and Jehan were speaking to each other semi-normally now – well, honestly, anyway – or so it seemed to her – and Jehan wanted things to go back to normal, and Dorian wanted things to go back to normal, and that was good, because this was clearly making them unhappy and not knowing what was going on or what to do about it made her want to do something drastic – shout, or knock their heads together, or whatever – something that a lady would not do, and that her better-mannered friends would not appreciate.

“You’re not stupid, Dorya,” she said, for lack of anything else to say. “Professor Hawthorne – ona ochen’ glupaya,” she said, hoping that Professor Hawthorne is very stupid was a statement they could all get behind. “Did she say you can decide if a girl or a boy? I think I heard that. When she ask if we agree?” Tatiana most certainly did not agree. If she could have picked, Tatiana thought she might have chosen to be a boy – the only good thing about being a girl was having jewelry, and maybe the pretty clothes on special occasions. The rest was stupid at best. But she was a girl, and so soon – all too soon – she would have to be like Anya and Sonia instead of herself – wear heels and wiry undergarments and be quiet and look to make boys want to marry her instead of be friends with her. Mama had gone on about this half the summer, about how Tatiana should watch Anya closely and be more like her, because it was high time she grew up, and Mama had certainly not even vaguely implied that Tatiana had any choice in what she grew up to be. “Glupaya zhenshchina,” she added, disgust thick in her voice. Stupid woman.

16 Tatiana That's no fun. 1396 Tatiana 0 5

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