Somewhere I lost a piece of me (tag Jehan) on Magical Arts Room and Sports

Dorian Montoir

September 25, 2018 9:03 AM

Somewhere I lost a piece of me (tag Jehan) by Dorian Montoir

Every moment that should have had a hug, but which passed without one, stabbed at his soul. Dorian didn’t know it, but the anticipation and the disappointment both showed each time Jehan skipped the ritual. The expressions were lessening though - not really because he was becoming any better at concealing his emotions, but because the hope was dwindling, diminishing his expectations, and the hurt was becoming - if no less acute - then at least more familiar.

People always said things got better with time but he was not finding that to be particularly true. He had tried to give it time, too afraid of making a wrong move again, but it was impossible to tell whether this was getting better or worse. It certainly was not the normality that he and Jehan had promised each other, and that was strange and concerning for any number of reasons. Firstly, because he missed all the intimacy they had previously shared, the person who hugged him, who made him feel safe and who understood him - he needed that person so much. Secondly, because, although he lived in absolute fear of upsetting Jehan again, of making this whole thing worse, he had no guarantees that he was not currently doing that. Things were patently not normal, and that was what he had promised they would be, and how did he know that every time he sat down, giving Jehan space - space which he had never given him before - that he wasn’t just inching them closer and closer to another explosion of annoyance and rejection? What if he was on his final chance to make it right and he wasn’t doing it, and Jehan was about to walk out that door again? It was like trying to swim to shore from the middle of the ocean - you didn’t know which way to go, and whether you were bringing yourself closer and closer to disaster with every stroke you took.

He was also concerned for Jehan. Time was not healing Dorian, but giving him more and more time to think, and to find that things did not make sense to him. He knew Jehan. He knew that Jehan loved to be tactile, and to snuggle. Surely he missed it too. What Dorian had done had clearly damaged their relationship on some level - Jehan now, perhaps, did not trust him entirely, didn’t know that Dorian would keep the boundaries appropriate? - but he wanted to fix that. He didn’t want their relationship to be lesser because of his own stupidity because that surely hurt Jehan as much as it hurt him. He did not want Jehan to be hurting.

For all those reasons, the stalemate in which they had found themselves was unacceptable to Dorian. He had to do something. Of course, there was still the question of what to do. In some senses, that was simple. He just had to say something. But what thing? What was the one right thing to say that would unlock it all and have it start making sense again. He had agonised over that. And, even when he thought he had decided, there was still the need to find the bravery to bring it up. There was the part of him that said just keep swimming - that they had picked a direction and they should just stick to it. There was also the voice that said his ideas, his thoughts, and all his feelings about everything were stupid. That voice had been getting louder again. But he remembered how good it had felt in the summer (dim and distant as it now seemed) when he had decided that he was not the problem. Of course, it wasn’t that simple this time, when clearly he was, in some senses, but just because he’d made a mistake didn’t mean everything he thought was stupid. He had decided to label the negative voice in his head as “Matthieu’s Voice”, and it had become a lot easier after that point to tell it to shut up. To tell it that it didn’t understand Dorian, didn’t understand Jehan and had no business commenting on what was going on between them.

They were in MARS, reading, as per semi-usual. Dorian was curled up a modest distance from Jehan, staring at his book. He had been staring at the same page for far too long now, trying to work up the nerve to speak. There had been several times when he took a breath as if he was about to say something but nothing came of it. This wasn’t entirely unusual of late. It wasn’t just this subject, where he needed to work up the nerve, but he’d found himself several times questioning whether his opinion was safe to express, regarding a particular turn of phrase he had enjoyed, or an idea he had had, and had found himself deciding that it wasn’t. He hated feeling like that though. He always shared his thoughts with Jehan. And he hated that he might be making Jehan feel as terrible as he felt all the time. The latter was a stronger motivator. Although doubt still reigned firmly enough that, when he finally screwed his courage to the sticking place, it was not to deliver some life altering truth or lay all his cards on the table but, very tentatively, to ask

“Jehan… I am allowed to ask you something?”

13 Dorian Montoir Somewhere I lost a piece of me (tag Jehan) 1401 Dorian Montoir 1 5

Jehan Callahan

September 25, 2018 9:37 AM

Love is a road that goes both ways by Jehan Callahan

To put it bluntly, Jehan was getting fed up. The new version of normal had been going on for a while now, and it hadn't got any better. Jehan missed the friendship he and Dorian had previously enjoyed, sharing hugs and thoughts and secrets. What they had now just felt like a mockery of all that, with awkwardness and sadness and no hugs. Jehan missed his hugs. And all this was because Dorian had tried to kiss him, and then regretted it.

If someone was privy to Jehan's thoughts, they might wonder why he still persisted, why he continued along this new path of normality in the hope that it would all turn out okay. He wondered this too, sometimes. He wondered many things, such as how he and Dorian could have thought themselves soulmates when their opinions on kisses differed so much. Jehan didn't see why the situation had been such a big deal for Dorian. A kiss was a kiss. It showed that you liked the person, that they were important to you, and that you cared about them. It could mean more, but it didn't have to. Given that he'd considered himself to be Dorian's friend, had thought that he was important to the other boy and that Dorian cared about him, Jehan couldn't really understand what the problem was. But for some reason, Dorian had had a problem with the almost-kiss. He'd become all upset and had lied to Vlad about it, causing Jehan to think that maybe Dorian didn't care about him. However, Dorian's current efforts to stay friends with him suggested the opposite.

And that was why Jehan hadn't given up. Dorian meant so much to him. He'd rather have this strange new normal than nothing. The thought of never speaking to Dorian again was too horrific to consider, and so he was stuck in this halting friendship, following Dorian's lead and trying not to do anything Dorian might be uncomfortable with. The distance that Dorian kept putting between them hurt, but it was better than having nothing.

”Jehan… I am allowed to ask you something?”

The question jolted Jehan out of his thoughts unexpectedly, in all possible meanings of the word. Dorian didn't speak much in their MARS sessions these days, but any happiness Jehan might have felt at his friend being comfortable enough to say something was shattered by the surprising nature of the question.

Was Dorian allowed to ask him something? What sort of question was that?! Jehan had been doing his best to be accommodating, to give Dorian the space he seemed to want, and now Dorian was making it seem as if Jehan was the one with the problem?!

“Of course you're allowed to ask me things,” he replied, slightly exasperatedly. He bit back a further comment that would point out that it was Dorian who decided the rules of the new new normality. That would just be counterproductive to the aims of being satisfied with what he could get and making Dorian happy.

9 Jehan Callahan Love is a road that goes both ways 1398 Jehan Callahan 0 5

Dorian

September 26, 2018 1:17 AM

But I can't do this alone by Dorian

"Right, sorry," Dorian apologised, noting the hint of annoyance in Jehan's voice. Although the 'of course,' was confusing because the whole problem was that he was no longer free to just say whatever was on his mind but at the same time Jehan wanted him to be normal, and those two things contradicted. The fact that his clear lack of normality was bothering Jehan both increased his fear that what he was about to do was monumentally stupid but also that it had to be done. Swimming without a direction was not working.

There were about a million things he wanted to ask, a million doubts and worries that had built up over the past few weeks but there was one over-arching doubt that had to be settled first - the one that made trying and failing too scary and was keeping him paralysed with fear, whilst also afraid that this paralysis was in itself a problem.

"If... If I make more mistakes, are you going to leave again?" he asked. And making enough room to let that one thought squeeze out opened it all up. And, in case that had been precisely the wrong thing to say and was indeed going to send Jehan running dor the door again, there was so much more that Dorian wanted to say. "Because I am trying. I do try. To do normal, like you say. And I know it probably does not seem that way, and that I do not get it right but I want to. But it's like... it's like... it's like..." he stammered over the phrase as he tried to find clear and adequate explanations. The swimming metaphor seemed too complicated. He wished he didn't have to labour through such complicated conversations at a double disadvantage because of his language skills. "It is like you say 'go up' or 'forward' or something. And that should be easy. But I got so mixed up, I don't even know which way it is any more. And I want to do it, I want to get it correct. But if I take any step, I might be go the completely wrong way and then upset you. I keep thinking about which way to go, and every thought I have is... is too many thoughts and all against each other so that I cannot choose and I get all stuck, but I know that taking no step is also wrong and that maybe I... disappoint and hurt you with my constant failure. So I want to ask, but I am scared to ask because it's like... It should be simple. I must be an idiot to not know how to do this. I know I breaked everything. And I know I need to put it back together. And I sit here looking at all the broken pieces and... and it terrifies me. I did that. I did that to us. And I want to fix so, so much, but I not know where to start and not know what the consequence is if I try, and I get it wrong."

13 Dorian But I can't do this alone 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

September 26, 2018 11:15 AM

Let me be honest by Jehan

“Dorian,” said Jehan, stopping him before he could continue in the same vein. He didn’t think he could bear much more of Dorian making it seem as if Jehan was the one with the problem, as if Jehan had been the one to try and take back what had happened, as if Jehan was the one who needed delicate handling. “This isn’t about what I want, it’s about what you want.”

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and tried to structure his thoughts into something more logical. There had been enough talking at cross-purposes, it seemed, for him to risk doing so now, but his thoughts had never liked to line up in a precise and easy-to-follow order.

“Yeah, I left, but only because you lied to Vlad about everything. You just…you changed the room when he entered, you told him he hadn’t interrupted anything, you basically hid everything from him. My first thought was that you were ashamed of us, and maybe that is the truth, maybe that isn’t the truth. That’s not the important thing anymore.

“You say you’re worried about me leaving again. All you need to do to prevent that is to make sure that whatever this – ” he gestured from himself to Dorian- “is, it’s something real. Not something that we hide from people, not something that changes depending on who we’re with. You can do what you want, make whatever mistakes you want. The only thing that will make me leave is if you say or do anything that you’ll take back the minute someone else walks through the door.”

He paused again, and then pre-emptively held up a hand, not giving Dorian the chance to speak. “I don’t want an explanation, excuses, objections, recriminations, whatever. I’m not asking for anything that you’re not willing to give. I just can’t hide things that matter to me, that’s not who I am.”

And that, there, was the crux of the matter. For whatever reason, Dorian had felt the need to hide a part of their relationship from Vlad. And Jehan didn’t do hiding. He was unashamedly who he was and, whilst he wasn’t going to force that on anyone else, he refused to change that side of him, or let himself be unhappy because of that.

“Now then,” and Jehan smiled at Dorian, a proper smile, because apparently Dorian didn’t want space, he didn’t want the new version of normality, he was just scared that Jehan would leave again. Jehan didn’t care about what had happened any more. The only thing that mattered now was that Dorian wanted to put everything back together, to go back to how they had been. The only thing that mattered now was what was to come. “Can we snuggle up and get back to our books?”

9 Jehan Let me be honest 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

September 27, 2018 10:20 AM

Hope you're waiting at the end by Dorian

That was not the truth. That was definitely not what had happened at all. The look of absolute wide eyed horror that Jehan’s suggestions were met with was more than enough to answer the questions that he was resolutely refusing to ask. There were times when the fact that Dorian’s face could be read like a book had to come in handy because Dorian could absolutely not have borne it to leave any possibility that Jehan thought that, but he was not given time to contradict, to go back over the events that had happened in MARS. Instead Jehan was ploughing on, talking about… About a lot of things. Large, and complicated things. Followed by a very, very long list of things Dorian was not allowed to say.

By the end of Jehan’s speech, Dorian’s head was swimming. He was still trying to process it all when Jehan changed tack again, smiling, just like he always had, and saying they could snuggle and read. Just… just snuggle and read. Just… But…?

There was a solid reason why that was not going to happen. And it was because Dorian needed both arms for hugging, leaving none to hold a book, and needed to bury his face into Jehan’s shoulder. There was a fraction of a pause whilst he processed the offer, but once he had, the distance was closed in a second, and Dorian was holding Jehan and trying to pour all the things he was forbidden from saying into that hug - how sorry he was, how wrong Jehan had got it all, how he would never, never think those things, how much he needed and wanted him. Dorian clung to Jehan as tightly as if he was a lifebelt in a stormy sea, and buried his face against his shoulder, taking deep, steadying breaths of the familiar Jehan smell, which meant safety, and comfort, and home.

Whatever else was still unclear, it was clear that Jehan had been as alone and as hurt as he had been for the last few weeks. And Dorian was so mixed up about that, and had so many questions, but he had been banned from pretty much all forms of speech, as far as he could recall Jehan’s list, and he was still trying to process everything else that Jehan had said… He had talked about them. Or possibly Them, with a capital letter (or was that just Dorian’s wishful thinking, but it sounded like- And if it had been what happened after Vlad had walking and not before then…?) and about hiding (which there were all kinds of arguments-). There were so many thoughts, all going off like fireworks all over his brain, but more of them in a good way than bad - definitely more good thoughts than there had been for weeks, even though he still wasn’t sure about a lot of things.

“Je veux toujours to snuggle avec toi,” he assured him. Dorian loved the word ‘snuggle,’ almost as much as he enjoyed the act itself. ‘Snuggle’ was a word that Jehan had introduced him to early on in their friendship. Dorian had, of course, been very familiar with the concept, but not that specific and wonderful piece of vocabulary. Sometimes, English was immensely frustrating in the way it had a million and one words for everything. But sometimes it was a wonderful thing. A wonderful soft, fluffy, delightful thing. The nuanced and important subject of hugging definitely needed a suitably broad vocabulary.

“The rest… I will need thinking time.” This was not an unusual request from Dorian, and he knew that Jehan would understand that this was not a bad thing, not an indicator of a problem, but just that Dorian wanted to get his thoughts in order first. It was partially the language thing, although that was becoming less of an issue. He thought that, however fluent he became, there might be times when he wanted to go away and order his thoughts before sharing them. Some thoughts were very important and they needed just the right words. He also felt various… not quite disagreements, but certainly complexities popping up around what Jehan was saying. Some things were private. But he didn’t think Jehan was necessarily saying that they weren’t… Their behaviour had always differed between MARS and public, and Jehan had advocated returning to ‘normal’ so that was, presumably, not a problem in itself… But that whole point was going to be nuanced and complicated, and it also involved dealing with the outside world which was full of so many horrible things. And Dorian wanted none of that right now. The point of MARS had always been that it was just him and Jehan, and nothing painful or bad was allowed into that space, and he was so glad to return to… Some version of that. This was not quite going back to normal, or at least not exactly how things had been. Because now, instead of getting hugs from his best friend, he was snuggled up with the boy he loved. And even if telling Jehan that needed to wait for another time, it felt pretty incredible.

He searched for some way to communicate that, beyond the physical. Snuggles were good, but lovely words were important too, and he hadn’t said anything lovely to Jehan in far too long. And, in spite of the very long list of things he was not supposed to say, affection had (of course) not been censured, nor had talking about feelings, and Dorian was determined to dole those all out in spadefuls to make up for everything else.

“Nǐ shì lǐxiǎng de,” he told Jehan, his voice soft and full of gentle, reassuring warmth. “Nǐ shì zhēnguì de. Nǐ shì wǒde xīnxīnxiāngyìn.”

The freedom to express his thoughts in whichever language he could find them in had been one of the first things Jehan had granted Dorian, and he still remembered and treasured the moment when Jehan had said that, and the feeling that it had been one of the nicest things anyone could promise him. Normally, he tried to find the words in English afterwards, but sometimes he just enjoyed saying things, and letting the words and the way they were said say enough. He knew that Jehan was not going to get much more than ‘You are something. You are something. You are something’ from that. If he was having a good day, he would catch ‘my’ in the last sentence, and if he had paid particular attention to the word endings Dorian had used (or just applied the rules of linguistic structure in general), he could surmise that he’d been given two adjectives and a noun. Two of the things were ideas that Dorian had expressed before in English. And one was something he very much hoped to one day…

You are perfect. You are precious. You are my soulmate.

13 Dorian Hope you're waiting at the end 1401 Dorian 0 5