Am I free? Am I wild? [Tag Dorian] on Magical Arts Room and Sports

Jehan Callahan

August 15, 2018 5:23 PM

Am I free? Am I wild? [Tag Dorian] by Jehan Callahan

It wasn’t until a few days into term that Jehan and Dorian got to steal away for one of their MARS sessions. Jehan supposed it was fair that they spent time with the others, and it was so nice to catch up with all his friends, but there was something special and relaxing about being just the two of them, as they had been so often last year.

Despite things being slightly awkward between them at the end of last year (well, awkward for Jehan), things felt better now. Having time apart had helped Jehan recover from the heartbreak of being unconsciously spurned by your soulmate, and he had realised how much he missed Dorian’s friendship, whether or not it came with anything more. The summer was a long time to be apart, and he’d realised that having a platonic soulmate was much better than agonising over said soulmate. There was no question in Jehan’s mind about whether or not he and Dorian were soulmates in the first place.

He’d written to Jehan with all the details about the new books he’d found, but something had made him miss out the story around how he had found the bookshop. For some reason, his new, Oliver-filled sanctuary felt like something too private to be shared, especially in a simple letter. He wasn’t sure why, and hadn’t analysed his feelings on the matter, not really thinking that he needed to. Oliver was a friend, a pretty great one at that, and he was probably concerned about Dorian feeling jealous or, even worse, replaced by the fact that Jehan had made a friend that Dorian didn’t know.

However, all his reticence disappeared now that he was here, in the MARS room, with Dorian curled up next to him on the sofa. Things were back to normal and, as normal, Jehan wanted to tell Dorian all about it.

He’d already had a recounting of all of Dorian’s Chinese adventures, and hearing it again in real life had been even better than reading about it in Dorian’s letters. The other boy’s enthusiasm was so endearing, and Jehan loved watching Dorian as he excitedly retold his stories.

He’d shown Dorian the new books he’d brought back with him (presents from the bookseller), and his friend’s reaction had been suitably excited at the new hoard of treasures. Jehan grinned as how his friend’s feelings mirrored his. They were so alike, and he was so lucky.

“So, Dorian,” he said, his smile growing as an idea came to him. “You should come and visit me, and see where I got the books from.” His initial reluctance at sharing his new haven with Dorian was entirely forgotten at the thought of Dorian’s face as he saw the little bookshop, at how much he was sure to love it, just as Jehan did.

“It’s this wonderful little bookshop I found, with books simply everywhere, and there’s everything you could ever want. And Richard – he owns the shop – he’s so friendly, and he recommended so many great books to me, I could get him to recommend some books for you when I go back there! And Mother and Father can’t stop me going there, because they don’t even know about it – really, it must have been fate that made me explore the Muggle world that day, because it’s so fascinating – they’re actually really evolved, did you know? They have these devices that you can read lots of books on, but they’re not as good as real books because they don’t have that smell, you know, the smell of old books, and, oh, Dorian, you have to come there with me, you’d love it.” Jehan hadn’t meant to go on as much as he had, but once he’d started telling Dorian about the bookshop it was hard to stop, until everything came out in a big wave of enthusiasm.

9 Jehan Callahan Am I free? Am I wild? [Tag Dorian] 1398 Jehan Callahan 1 5

Dorian Montoir

August 16, 2018 11:23 AM

Don't know a good thing when it's right in front of me by Dorian Montoir

Dorian had happy little butterflies in his stomach as he turned the handle to the MARS music room, knowing exactly how he would find it. This was the moment that truly marked being back at Sonora. Not the Opening Feast, not the first day of classes, but MARS, their MARS, with Jehan. Normally, this was a Saturday, activity, but it was still too long to the weekend.

He glanced through the records whilst he waited for Jehan, who had gone to retrieve some books from Aladren. He found he wasn’t really focussing on them though, not really caring about the room’s designated purpose, but having to pay lip service to it to keep their comfortable little couch, and their rug and their paintings - their little home - from dissolving around them. He put on the record on top, just as the door opened.

“T'es rentré!” he beamed, bounding over, pulling Jehan into a hug, and kissing him once on each cheek, as he did for special greetings. Jehan’s cheek was warm and soft, and he felt a little shiver run down his spine. He rested his head for a moment on Jehan’s shoulder after the second kiss, adding “Wǒ hěn kāixīn,” because he liked to strive for some balance between his languages, even though they naturally slid into using more French, as Jehan was better at it. Case in point, the sentiment was much more simple than he wanted to express in Chinese - he wanted to say he was glad to see him, or that it felt good to be back - but telling Jehan he was very happy would do. It was true. It was just there was so much more than that.

He pulled Jehan over to the couch, tumbling onto it without really ever fully letting go of him, but still demanding when he got there “Plus de câlins, mon Callahan,” pulling Jehan’s arms around himself and sliding his own around Jehan, as they sat side by side, but inclined a little towards each other.

“Mon Je,” he corrected in a mumble, because he did not want to spoil the fun symmetry that the words made, but it felt strange and wrong to call Jehan by his family name. He was Jehan. That was the important part. Dorian rested his head against Jehan’s shoulder. He felt… He strangely was not sure. He was happy, of course, to be back. More than that, as always, at being with Jehan. It was an absolute perfect happiness, of being exactly where he was supposed to be. But yet… He felt restless somehow. It did not make sense. Did he not have everything he wanted right now? One hand gently traced its ways down Jehan’s back, and the restless feeling... It was hard to say whether it made it better or worse. It felt nice, but not necessarily any calmer. But it also didn’t feel bad. Even if it didn’t make sense to feel calmly content and all stirred up at the same time, he thought that might be an accurate description, nonetheless.

And then Jehan was diverting his attention with books. This was becoming a bit of a theme of the term - wonderful people presenting him with books. There were definitely no complaints from Dorian on this front. He turned over each books that Jehan presented. He sort of wanted to dive in and find out more about each, but had to settle for appreciating the covers, a little glimpse through some opening pages, and the delightful smell of old books. He had been dislodged from his perch on Jehan’s shoulder as his friend retrieved the books from his bag, but settled for the fact that he could glance up and look at Jehan looking over the books. Except the couple of times that he tried it, he found that Jehan was looking at him instead. He murmured various approving remarks, settling back in against Jehan with a particularly interesting looking volume, the familiar and comforting smell of Jehan mingling with the pages of the book.

“Yes, please, I will like that,” Dorian smiled, as Jehan promised to take him to the bookshop. He loved reading about Jehan’s adventures, but being a part of them was even better. He had said countless times how much Jehan would like China. He would take Jehan to Xi’an (which was fun to say), and Jehan would take him to his bookshop and everything would be so wonderful. Richard sounded nice, and Dorian was sure he wouldn’t even feel too shy about meeting a strange grown up if Jehan liked them, and if they were nice enough to run a bookshop - he pictured Richard looking an awful lot like the librarian, whom he liked a lot and -

At first, Dorian thought he had misheard. Because Jehan could not have said ‘Muggle.’ But he had. He had because the rest of what he was saying only made sense if he had. Except… except none of that made sense, because they were not supposed to be in Muggle New York. His heard jerked upright, and he stared at Jehan in shock. Dorian’s parents’ approach to preventing their children doing things they disapproved of was to tell them just enough to scare them. Consequently Dorian’s knowledge about… the relations he might have with girls were that anything outside of marriage was bound to end in pain and disaster, and his impression of what interacting with the Muggle world would be like was… Well, about the same. The image of a cosy, happy little bookshop dissolved, and it took on a much more sinister aspect.

“Jehan,” he said, sounding alarmed. “Jehan… We are not supposed to go- there are reasons.”

13 Dorian Montoir Don't know a good thing when it's right in front of me 1401 Dorian Montoir 0 5

Jehan

August 16, 2018 11:56 AM

Starting to doubt by Jehan

Jehan was enjoying a happy little daydream of him and Dorian at the bookshop, of sharing his new world with his best friend, when suddenly such thoughts were shattered.

“We are not supposed to go- there are reasons.”

And, all at once, Jehan’s perception of the two being soulmates was called into question.

Jehan was not your average little boy. Admittedly, no two people are the same, but everybody subscribes to a general idea of what is acceptable and what is not. Jehan subscribed to no such general idea. He was very well aware that Victor, his parents, and society in general had rules regarding what was and what was not permitted. However, the widespread acknowledgement of these rules did not mean that Jehan felt they necessarily applied to him. The world was a strange place, but Jehan had always felt there was a type of logic running through it, a logic that formed the basis of his own idea of what was and what was not acceptable. If society’s rules were not logical, Jehan did not see that they should apply to him.

In this situation, Jehan knew that the Muggle world was forbidden. And, on the day he had found the bookshop, he had not set out to break this rule. The rule had been one that he had not really considered, given that it had never previously been relevant. However, something had made him decide to take that step into the Muggle world, and nothing he had discovered since that moment had led him to the conclusion that the rule was logical. Therefore it was not a rule he now considered himself bound by.

Hearing Dorian disapprove of his actions immediately extinguished Jehan’s previous enthusiasm. He had never even stopped to consider that Dorian would be concerned about his forays into the Muggle world, and why would he have? He and Dorian were kindred spirits, soulmates, above petty societal prejudices, and sharing the same ideas about how the world worked. But this was apparently not the case, and Dorian seemed to have the same problem as Victor.

For as wonderful as his older brother was, Jehan knew that Victor didn’t understand him. Victor was part of society, he cared about rules and doing the proper thing, not understanding that the ‘proper thing’ was not always a synonym for the ‘right thing’. Jehan had never explained this to someone else, never fully clarified this position inside his own head, but it was something he knew instinctively, something that made him who he was, that made him not always fit in with the world around him. He’d thought Dorian to be the same as him, hadn’t realised that Dorian stuck by the rules that made no sense.

Jehan moved away from Dorian slightly, and shrugged.

“There aren’t reasons,” he contradicted, his tone much less happy and enthusiastic. For Jehan, the situation was as simple as his reply suggested. He saw no reason to stay away from the Muggle world, and so he would continue to visit the bookshop that made him so happy.

9 Jehan Starting to doubt 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

August 16, 2018 8:29 PM

If you die in the Muggle world, you die in this world too! by Dorian

Jehan moved away from him. His tone was flat and… and not like Jehan. They were still squeezed into the end two thirds of the couch, and it was impossible for them to become completed separated, so there was still a degree to which they were touching. But Jehan was suddenly very, very far away. And he, Dorian, had made that happen with what he had said. He didn’t understand… And now he was faced with a terrifying scenario because clearly he had got his words wrong once already to produce this reaction and now he had to explain himself well enough to fix it. He had often worried that he would be inadequate to the task of explaining something important to Jehan, and now it was on the verge of happening, in the worst possible way, and he knew that all his words were going to get even worse because this was all so stressful.

“Jehan?” he said, plaintive, trying to bring him back… He wanted to beg him to not be prickly with him. He was not even really sure what was wrong, because Jehan’s argument that there were no reasons did not make any sense. It was dangerous to go stumbling around an unfamiliar world. And Jehan had touched things. Devices, he had said. Strange books-that-don’t smell devices, that sounded soulless and frightening. How could Jehan not understand the risk of that? Dorian knew that Jehan’s parents were… less invested than his own. They did not seem to care about Jehan very much, or find him very interesting. But that they had let Jehan spend so many hours wondering about in a place full of dangers, with apparently literally zero knowledge, without even noticing he was gone- Dorian had been half out of love with the idea of society for a long time. Society was the thing Matthieu cared about so very much that pushed him into giving Dorian friction burns and bruises. It was a set of hoops to jump through that contradicted one another. And the thing that it wanted from them was literally impossible. People did not like them because they were not white. And however hard Matthieu tried, they were never going to be. If he had been asked about reasons why Jehan should not have gone to the Muggle world, he would probably have, eventually, come up with the fact that it was taboo, and that it could risk the Callahan name. But it would have come a long way down the list. And even once he had thought of it, he would not have cared about that, beyond its implications for how uncomfortable life might become for them as two individuals. He only cared about Jehan. And about them being together. And Jehan was risking both of those things.

He searched for the names, for the things, the reasons his parents had told him about ‘Why We Do Not Mess Around With Muggle Things’ because he wanted to make Jehan understand and be less annoyed, but he also - above all - he wanted to make sure he was safe. These devices Jehan had touched, sounded like they were full of dangerous stuff.

“Lelectricity,” he said quietly, “That is… the name of a reason. I think. It is… hurting people. Maybe you. And Muggle hôpital… They cannot just quickly and then better. And sometimes cannot at all. Jehan-” his voice was choked, and he tried to push the pictures out of his mind, but they wouldn’t go away, of Jehan being all broken, and being in some Muggle hospital, and- “If you get hurt, really hurt, and be at the Muggle hôpital- What if they- what if they can’t-?” He could not finish that sentence because it was just too awful but it was clear what he meant, and if Jehan deigned to look at him again, he would find that Dorian was having to blink back tears at the thought.

13 Dorian If you die in the Muggle world, you die in this world too! 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

August 19, 2018 12:17 PM

But what is death, really? by Jehan

Jehan’s reply had been the honest truth but, no matter how confused and concerned Dorian had made him feel, he hadn’t meant to make Dorian sad. And yet he had. It seemed that every time Jehan expressed an opinion about something important, it made Dorian sad. Perhaps important wasn’t the word he was looking for – they had plenty of successful conversations about important things, such as books and philosophy and music and theatre – but there was definitely a common thread that linked the conversation about the ball last year, which had been a one-sided disaster, and this conversation. Maybe they were just doomed when it came to conversations about their lives and what they wanted to do. Either way, Jehan was now torn between not regretting what he had said and not wanting Dorian to be sad.

This problem summed up the dilemma that was Jehan himself: an ongoing fight between what he believed in and the people he loved. Jehan was unyielding in his beliefs, sticking to his logic and what he thought was right. However, Jehan would do almost anything for those he loved. When these two parts of his identities clashed, he hurt. Luckily, this hadn’t been too evident in his young life, the most recent example being his confrontation with Victor after asking Luke Powell to the ball. It had been so hard then, knowing that passing his actions off as a joke would make Victor happy, but unable to do so, unable to deny something that was part of who he was, how his world worked.

And now here he was, not wanting to make Dorian sad but not willing to give in to the prejudices that society had attempted to condition into them.

“Electricity doesn’t hurt people,” he said, with a hint of the superiority found in those who have recently learnt something about the topic. “Only if you get it wrong and, Dorian, spells and potions can hurt people too.”

He wasn’t an Aladren for nothing, after all, and his brain had already considered the risk posed by the Muggle world and labelled it as similar to the everyday risk that came with living. And as for Dorian’s hospital concerns, well, Jehan was young and, as such, invincible. The thought of getting badly hurt wasn’t something he’d much considered, assuming that he could return to the magical world to heal any injury he did sustain. Dorian’s words also brought back memories of Dorian coming to Sonora smelling of bruise paste, and Jehan hadn’t ever mentioned it to anyone, and he wasn’t going to give in to such low tactics to prove a point, but the idea of Dorian being hurt this just fuelled his feelings of anger and injustice even more.

Only at this point did Jehan redirect his emotions towards society in general enough to look at Dorian, and he was heartbroken to find his best friend almost in tears. He instinctively moved much closer and his hands were either side of Dorian’s face, knowing the comfort his friend found in touch.

“Ne pleure pas.” His voice softened, his irritation and hurt becoming less important at the sight of Dorian so affected. “You don’t need to worry, Dor, it’s not so unsafe as people say. And I can’t be stuck at home, you know that, sometimes I just can’t be there…” his voice trailed off, almost pleading for Dorian to understand that going to the bookshop wasn’t a choice, not really. This was perhaps the closest Jehan had ever got to admitting that his home life wasn’t perfect. He normally took the point of view that things just were what they were, without a need to fuss, but having a haven to escape to during the holidays had made him realise how lacking his home life was, and sometimes made it even harder to be at home.

9 Jehan But what is death, really? 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

August 20, 2018 8:27 AM

Mortal bodies, timeless souls by Dorian

Dorian just wanted Jehan to be Jehan again. Not this prickly, hostile creature who sat at the end of the couch and barely spoke. The talk of electricity had started to melt that down a little. Jehan seemed to be speaking properly, even though his tone was still one Dorian marked down as 'disagreeing.' Except he did agree with what Jehan had just said.

"Yes, they can," Dorian nodded, when Jehan pointed out how dangerous potions and spells could be. Given that Jehan had left him in the dark that the topic of this conversation was Countering Dorian's Prejudice Against the Muggle World, and given that said prejudice was somewhat borderline in its existence anyway, the analogy was a little perplexing. Or rather, the analogy was simple enough but what it was doing in their conversation was less clear. "So... it is the same. We do not make experiments with magic and potions without supervision in case we are hurt. It can be dangerous to try things in any world if you are not familiar to them." Because, as far as Dorian was concerned, the conversation was still Make Jehan Realise He Could Hurt Himself. Luckily, his own point unintentionally served both agendas - he did not dislike the idea of the Muggle world for being the Muggle world, but because of real and practical concerns about diving in too deep when one did not know how to swim.

And obviously he had said enough of the right things, because then Jehan was back, speaking softly and touching him and everything felt warm and safe again. Dorian ran a hand through Jehan's hair, feeling reassured. It felt unimaginably lonely and wrong when Jehan was close by but not close enough. He needed him. He needed him physically as well as emotionally, and it hurt when he wasn’t there.

"Désolé," he apologised, when Jehan told him not to cry. For all that Jehan had never objected to any display of Dorian's feelings, it was hard to stop the automatic reaction that said Jehan disliked the fact that he was crying, rather than wanting him not to be sad. He turned his face down for a moment, screwing up his eyes hard because the contrast of jolting from absolute soul wrenching misery to being warm and safe in Jehan’s hands again was threatening to make the whole thing worse and he was already pathetic enough. “You are sure?” he asked, when Jehan said he did not need to worry, and that he would be safe. There was no fight in his tone, no real doubt even of what Jehan was saying. He trusted Jehan. Dorian just often needed things reiterating, needed them confirming, especially when it came to Things Being Ok. He needed to be told an extra time to be sure.

Now that Jehan was warm and gentle and Dorian felt less panicked, his brain started working better again. He had no idea why Jehan had reacted as he had, and that worried him, because he did not want it to happen again, and because Jehan had acted like Dorian had said something hurtful to him, which he would never do on purpose. "And... I suppose I said something bad? Or maybe said badly... I do not think anything that I think is.. disliked by you. Or I hope not. I'm sorry. What did I said to make you feel bad? I don't want to do it again."

When Jehan talked about needing to get away from his home life, Dorian felt pangs of guilt and concern. In their first ever conversation, Jehan had mentioned that his father undervalued a lot of the things that Jehan enjoyed, such as music and poetry - in fact, he had gone so far as to call some of Jehan's interests 'pointless.' Dorian also knew that Jehan's father had the Floo connection in his office, and that it was... challenging to get him to allow Jehan to use this. Sentences that began with the words ‘My father…’ seemed to end with an irritating rule or boundary, or a disagreement, but sentences like this were few and far between. Jehan’s parents occupied about the same place in their discourse at Matthieu - they were absent, because there were a lot more things that were a lot nicer to talk about. But he wondered now whether he should have asked, if Jehan was feeling so bad about things at home that he was on the verge of running away. Dorian had sort of formed the impression that Jehan’s parents were a bit like Matthieu, but without the hitting. He hoped without the hitting, anyway. He assumed that Jehan was not being hit because he had spent the best part of a decade assuming that it was his own defectiveness that meant he was being. Even though his opinion had now shifted towards it being that Matthieu was a psychopath with anger control issues, he thought that was probably quite rare. He could not imagine a parent being that way. His parents had occasionally hit as a form of discipline but that was different.

“Jehan… What makes home bad for you?” he asked gently. Emphasis slightly on the ‘you’ rather than the ‘bad.’ A slight indication of the fact that they had both skirted around that topic with each other for the last two years.

13 Dorian Mortal bodies, timeless souls 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

August 20, 2018 9:42 AM

With you, everything is timeless by Jehan

Dorian’s agreement to the statement about risks in both worlds confused Jehan slightly. He was thrown a little off-kilter in the way that one always is when, expecting a rebuttal, one’s opponent instead concurs and thus changes the argument into an agreement. This, combined with Dorian being upset, took away a lot of Jehan’s irritation at Dorian’s response and at the world in general.

And then Dorian was running a hand through Jehan’s hair, and he knew everything was okay between them again, that this had all been a simple misunderstanding, and they were Jehan-and-Dorian once more.

“Don’t apologise for crying,” replied Jehan, not wanting his best friend to feel the need to hide any emotion from him. “I just don’t like seeing you sad.”

And then Dorian apologised again, and this time it was both unnecessary but also much appreciated, in that it cleared up their previous misunderstanding. “I thought you just didn’t like the Muggle world, like…like my parents, and other people, and it’s not fair, they shouldn’t just judge other people without any evidence, just because they’re different.” Jehan could have gone on at length about the injustices dealt to the Muggle world by the Wizarding world, but that wasn’t the problem here, so he let it go, and relaxed further with the full realisation that he’d got the conversation wrong and that Dorian hadn’t been against the Muggle world on principle, just concerned for Jehan’s safety.

That was a comforting thought, and Jehan smiled at Dorian, a sweet smile that tried to contain a lot of feelings – Jehan was feeling a lot of things right now, because Dorian was so caring and so close and something about Dorian being there and holding him and worrying about him made his tummy feel a little weird, in a good way, and he had the sudden urge to lean forward and press his lips to Dorian’s, to get even closer to the other boy – but then also his brain brought up a reminder of summer days and Oliver’s face, and Jehan didn’t know quite what to make of that, but then Dorian changed the topic and the moment was very definitely over anyway. If it had even been a moment in the first place, and not another of those one-sided things Jehan kept having over Dorian, even though he’d told himself that he was over the other boy.

Jehan looked down after Dorian asked the question, not sure what to answer. It wasn’t something he’d pondered at length, having always accepted that his parents were who they were, and rather irrelevant at that. He preferred to talk about other things to Dorian, especially because he knew Dorian didn’t like talking about home and about Matthieu.

“It’s not bad,” he replied, shrugging, because to be bad something had to have the potential to be better, right? “It’s just…not home. But Victor’s there, so it’s ok.” Visiting Dorian’s house had given him a different viewpoint of the word ‘home’, as had seeing Richard’s relationship with Oliver. Jehan’s relationship with his parents wasn’t like that, and that was just a fact, and home for him didn’t mean the same as it did for some other people. He wasn’t looking for pity, just stating a fact, and his feelings about home were muddled by the presence of Victor. Yes, it definitely wasn’t bad, because nowhere could be bad if Victor was there.

9 Jehan With you, everything is timeless 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

August 23, 2018 8:40 AM

I still think I'd like you to stay on the physical plane by Dorian

"Right, sorry," Dorian nodded, when Jehan told him off for apologising. It was reflexive enough that he didn't even notice the irony of apologising for apologising, or even really that he had done it again.

"Oh," he said, mostly for the sake of something to say, unsure for a moment which of the swirling and conflicting thoughts to present first. He felt several types of confusion. Everything was a bit opposite to what it should be. As Jehan had pointed out, they were not supposed to approve of the Muggle world. Dorian was not sure whether ‘approve’ was the right word for what he felt anyway. He had never felt any desire to go there. Part of him wanted to now, but only because he wanted to be with Jehan, wherever he went. He was still scared of it and would rather neither of them went. He thought that the ways that he felt uncertain were reasonable, and he thought that Jehan might almost have agreed with him, although Jehan seemed to think it wasn't much of a problem… But he knew from his own experiences that people sometimes thought or said things that were hurtful or prejudiced without meaning to. And he wasn’t sure whether his fear extended beyond the basic, reasonable fear of the unfamiliar. It was true that he had pictured a dark and sinister place. Also confusing was that Jehan thought that he, Dorian, was racist. Or capable of racist thoughts. Which would have fundamentally hurt and been ridiculous, except he knew that he had never told Jehan why that would be ridiculous, and part of him thought it was obvious but he knew that not everyone in his own family had made the connection that he had made when he was - he wasn’t sure. He didn’t remember ever not noticing the hypocrisy. That bit was less confusing, and also would help explain anything else he did or didn’t think about the Muggle world, so he started there. " I don't want to be mean to anyone. Ever. And especially not about that type of thing. At home, I am different. Me, Matthieu, Émilie and Mama... We don't look like everyone else. Sometimes people make that be a bad thing. I don't want to make other people have those feelings because I know how much not nice they are. I… I never really thought about it as a place to actually go though," he admitted, still sounding a little overwhelmed by that as a notion, “I just thought about people. Like… Like when I talk to Parker, I don’t want him to feel bad.”

He looked up at Jehan again. Dorian had hinted at some elements of what he was saying before - to know what it was like to be different, that he stood out to a certain degree because of his appearance. But he had let the important parts of that go unsaid, either assuming Jehan implicitly understood or just trying to forget about them himself. It felt good to talk about it. Surprisingly good to talk about pain and hurt and meanness. He wanted to let Jehan in, for them to know each other completely, and maybe it was the revelations he had had over the summer, or the talk with Professor Brooding, or the way that Jehan was looking at him right now - a look that made him feel safe and wanted and warm. Very warm. He lowered his gaze, finding he couldn’t keep meeting Jehan’s eyes. Not because it was bad but just... intense. And there was a bunch of scary, depressing stuff on his mind and some part of those feelings didn't go together. He knew it would be ok though. They could be themselves completely, share everything, and it wouldn’t be scary or dangerous to tell Jehan anything he felt because everything he felt would be safe with Jehan. Something about that thought nagged at the corner of his mind. It felt like he had been thinking something recently about people who made one feel safe... For some reason, an image of Katerina at the feast came to mind, although the thought could not have been about her, as he barely knew her. But he thought that might have been when he was thinking it. Maybe because he had been offering it to her? Though that didn’t seem to tally with the feeling of the type of thought it had been. Maybe because he had been thinking about Jehan. He thought a lot of Jehan.

He rearranged them, sitting back almost as they had been, leaning sideways against the back of the couch. He put himself at half an arm's length from Jehan, so that he could look at him as they talked, one arm curled under his own head and the other loosely draped across Jehan. Comfortable, cosy, connected still. But in a way that was more soothing, more conducive to a serious conversation.

"Not belonging is a horrible feeling," he confirmed. He thought for a moment about saying more of his own experiences in the department, he felt like he had so many things to say, but he wanted first to reassure Jehan. "You can always have home with me though. I know I was far away this summer,” he added, experiencing a pang of guilt that he hadn’t been available for Jehan. He would make up for that though, “but you can come to stay all the time you want for Christmas and next summer. Mama and Émilie ask for you so much.” That was a long time away though. They had weeks yet, before either of them had to face their families’ houses again. “And here... Here is home to me. And to you?" His hand had been resting on Jehan's arm, and at some point without being consciously aware of it, his thumb had begun to work back and forth, gently stroking the skin underneath it. And, as he sought to reassure Jehan, the hand trailed down the length of his arm. And what he wanted to express was that he had felt lost and out of place sometimes too. But that he never did with Jehan. That they could give each other that feeling of belonging. And the way this came out, in Dorian's English was, "We could belong together."

And-

His eyes moved from Jehan’s face to his own hand, almost surprised to find where it was. And he hesitated. He had been going to, instinctively, reach for Jehan's hand, but then the thought had crossed his mind Boys hold hands with girls. It wasn't like he had never held Jehan's hand before. Or at least... taken his hand, squeezed it to offer reassurance and as a sign of friendship. That was different than holding hands in the way one would do with a girlfriend. But something about it still bothered him. It had been fine to be affectionate when they were younger but they were getting older. Grown men did not hold hands. When he and Jehan got girlfriends, were they going to have to stop being so affectionate with each other? His father had told him about inappropriate touching with girls but nothing about boys had been mentioned... But for the first time, he found himself questioning how he and Jehan were with each other. Whether it was... alright. Whether it was normal. Self-conscious suddenly, he lifted the hand that had paused at Jehan's wrist, running it through his own hair and then dropping it onto his own lap with a perplexed sigh.

13 Dorian I still think I'd like you to stay on the physical plane 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

August 23, 2018 11:44 AM

With you? by Jehan

As Dorian explained why his initial reaction had not been as feared, Jehan realised quite how silly he’d been. Of course Dorian wasn’t like the others. Dorian knew what it was like to be different, to be somewhat rejected by society. Dorian didn’t tend to mention it much, but Jehan should have taken that into account when interpreting Dorian’s reaction. And he was such a lovely person. He could never think ill of anyone without good reason, and Jehan had done him an injustice by thinking that of him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, simply. “I should have thought, should have known you would never feel like that about anyone.”

A feeling of warmth, of affection for Dorian bubbled up as the other boy offered such a simple solution to Jehan’s problems. It was such a nice feeling, to know that you were important enough to someone that they would offer their home to you, just like that. And to know that Dorian’s mama and Émilie wanted Jehan there was something very special, as Jehan knew how much they meant to Dorian, and how important their opinions were to him. The idea of spending another Christmas with Dorian was very appealing, although Jehan couldn’t just leave Victor. Jehan’s parents didn’t particularly celebrate Christmas, not in the proper way. They did all the traditional things – the balls and the meals and the presents – but it was Victor who made Christmas such a special time for Jehan, and Jehan couldn’t just give that up. However, the idea of Dorian’s home also being a home for Jehan was something so valuable, so precious. He was just about to reply to Dorian, to tell the other boy how much his offer meant, when Dorian continued and the topic of Christmas completely lost importance.

“We could belong together.”

Jehan’s breath hitched in his throat as he heard those words, heard them repeat over and over again in his head.

“We could belong together.” “Belong together.” “Together.” “We could belong together.”

“Do you mean it,” came out of his mouth in a rush, unprompted, an instinctive response. It wasn’t even quite phrased as a question, but as a stream of panic and hope and fear and disbelief all wrapped into one because no, surely his ears were deceiving him. He breathed in, not deeply but carefully. He’d made this mistake before, thinking that Dorian wanted more than he actually did, and Jehan didn’t want to leap to any conclusions this time.

But was it really such a leap this time? When Jehan considered some of the looks Dorian had given him, how worried Dorian had been for him, it didn’t seem the biggest stretch of the imagination, although Dorian was naturally caring and tactile with so many people. And the way Dorian had been caressing his arm, those little touches that just made him feel so, so…that just made him feel, what was he to make of them?

He breathed out, a steady, controlled exhale. He could do this. He could take the risk, take the gamble, ask Dorian if he really meant that he wanted more. Jehan didn’t know if that was what he wanted, not quite, not when his brain kept reminding him of the ball fiasco and the wide world and all the options that wide world had, but Dorian was special to him. Dorian was his soulmate, the person who truly understood him, or almost understood him, and Jehan wanted to understand Dorian. He didn’t want any more of this confusion, of this indecision and lack of understanding, the sentences that crossed each other but didn’t have the same intention.

Dorian’s hand almost took his, but let go at the last moment. Resolved to solve this once and for all, Jehan reached out his hand, and gently took up Dorian’s. Raising his eyes to the other boy’s face, he slowly entwined their fingers, not meaning it as a promise or as a suggestion but to show that he was there, he was with Dorian, and that he always would be, no matter what happened. Nothing could be bad whilst they were together, right?

“What do you mean by us belonging together?” he asked, quietly, but sure of himself, sure that he wanted to know, despite the butterflies in his stomach that mingled with a feeling of dread, the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing whether he would fly, or whether he would fall. And, despite this, he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him. He’d asked, he’d given voice to the possibility, and whatever happened he wouldn’t have to hide anything from Dorian anymore, be it sadness or joy.

9 Jehan With you? 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

August 24, 2018 8:47 AM

Goodbye to safe and sound by Dorian

“Of course,” Dorian answered when Jehan asked whether he meant it. And then Jehan seemed to hesitate too, and Dorian trusted that his friend was merely pulling together some important thought and that he had not misspoken again. Because it was him and Jehan. There were no feelings that didn’t make sense between them, and they could tell each other everything. He waited to see what was on Jehan’s mind.

And then Jehan’s hand was on his, and he felt reassured. It was okay for them to hold hands as friends. It had to be because… because they were friends and they were holding hands, and therefore that proved that friends held hands. Because they were doing so. And they were friends. And each one of Jehan’s fingers was intertwining carefully with his own, and he had never been quite so aware before of just how sensitive his fingertips were, or how warm Jehan’s hand was… He liked how it felt.

He looked up. There were the brilliant blue eyes, that he thought he could get lost in. There was the pale skin with its light dusting of freckles, which Dorian wanted to learn by heart, commiting each one to memory so that he could picture Jehan perfectly even when they were apart. There was the shock of brown hair, its curly texture so different to his own perpetually straight locks. When he first saw Jehan every day, his hair was freshly brushed out and at its straightest, and Dorian liked watching throughout the day as the curl crept back into it. It was extra messy now, the combination of a full day at school and the affectionate hand that Dorian had run through it. He thought about when they had woken up together at the bonfire, or when Jehan had stayed at his house over the summer, and he had seen Jehan’s hair in its pre-tamed state, and how seeing that would be the perfect start to every single day... Reassured by Jehan’s physical proximity, he stroked his hair again. He loved the feel of Jehan’s hair. Everything about Jehan was so beautiful, so different to himself - on the outside, anyway. On the inside, they were the same.

What do you mean by us belonging together?

Dorian felt the sting of embarrassment as he always did when he hadn’t been understood, and he had to admit that it sounded… different when Jehan put it like that. His brain stumbled, trying to work out what sounded off, but all he could say was that it did not sound like the way a native speaker would say what he had been trying to. He sought to expand.

“I mean, we both had bad times, and then we find each other. And… and it all went away. There’s… there’s so many things wrong with the world but… But nothing is wrong when I’m with you. Ever. You make me feel safe,” he elaborated, “And more than safe… Safe and exciting at the same time. You’re just…” he searched for the words. “You’re perfect.” And the hand that was running through Jehan’s hair stopped on the back of his head, pulling him closer. He touched his nose to Jehan’s, running it down from the bridge to the tip, no longer thinking but just wanting… He wanted to be as close as two people could get. And he and Jehan had to be so close now that they would breathing the same air, sharing it back and forth, except Dorian found that he was holding his breath. And yet he thought they could get closer-

There was the sound of the handle turning, and Dorian jumped, letting go of Jehan. As the door swung back, the room hastily rearranged itself - because this was his and Jehan’s room, their own private world, and Dorian’s subconscious did not want anyone intruding on that. The colour scheme deadened, the blues and yellows in the picture and the rug fading out, the rug becoming plain, generic Sonora green and the picture a landscape. The record player disappeared, replaced with a small upright piano with a flute balanced on top - the most logical reasons for him and Jehan to be spending all their time closeted away together in the MARS room. The couch also abruptly vanished, which had the unfortunate side-effect of dropping him, Jehan and their books onto the rug. Admittedly, sitting three feet away from the piano, surrounded by books and looking vaguely stunned, they were probably a slightly odd picture to whoever was looking in. But it was not implicitly an intimate one, as it had been moments before.

OOC - Vlad butting in was discussed with his author so he has dibs on this post if he wants them, but if he gets too busy/is uninspired he is welcome to put it up for adoption

13 Dorian Goodbye to safe and sound 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

August 29, 2018 6:14 AM

We'll be fireproof by Jehan

Dorian’s first response had confirmed that he had meant what he had said, but upon further questioning Dorian had started to look a little embarrassed, and with a strange sort of calmness, the calmness of understanding what was going on, Jehan smiled. Well, the smile might also have been due to Dorian's hand in his hair, because on a fundamental level Jehan was a cat, but it was at least partially because things seemed clear now. Of course Dorian meant it, and it was irrelevant to ask if he meant it. Dorian knew that what they had was special, something more important than an infatuation or a crush, just as Jehan did, and the two boys would always be there for each other, would always be close, and would always love each other. There might, at some point, be more to it than that, or perhaps not, but that much would always be true. He knew it was true for him, had known it when he had entwined his hand with Dorian's in a gesture of solidarity and support. He didn't need Dorian to explain his meaning, because Jehan had understood all along. He just hadn't realised, had tried to overcomplicate things and make everything a yes or no question. But that didn't matter now. It didn't matter that Dorian might feel no more than just friendship for him. Together, they could take on the world, and that was the most important thing. Dorian would always support him, and he would always support Dorian.

Dorian's explanation only confirmed what Jehan had realised. The two of them together would make the world a better place. He could have Dorian, and he could have the world. He felt safe too, safe in the new knowledge that, with Dorian, everything was an option. There would be no more limits, as there were with everyone else.

And then Dorian called Jehan perfect, which wasn't actually true because it was Dorian who was perfect, Dorian with his lack of prejudices and his openness and his welcoming family and his face and his thoughtfulness and his letters and his understanding and it just felt so right to lean in too, to be closer and closer until they couldn't get any closer and there was no Jehan and Dorian, there was just jehananddorian as two people and one entity and they were...

- on the floor?

Jehan blinked.

His mouth opened in confusion.

Habit stepped in and closed it.

Habit couldn't help anymore because the familiar room had changed.

Nothing about this was habitual.

Dorian was too far away. Hadn't he been closer, much closer? Wasn't he always closer? Jehan wanted to bring back habit.

And why was Vlad here?

9 Jehan We'll be fireproof 1398 Jehan 0 5

Vladimir Brockert

August 29, 2018 5:22 PM

Player three joins the party by Vladimir Brockert

Vlad couldn’t find Ivy.

It wasn’t entirely unheard of, their being separated. After all, they were separate people who just happened to have the same parents. But Vlad wanted to hang out with his big sister today, so he was looking for her. They were in the same House, but she wasn’t in the Common Room. He’d asked Eden Manger to go up and check if she was in the girls’ only section somewhere, but alas, Ivy’s roommate (and their almost-relation?) was unsuccessful in locating her as well.

He checked around a few normal places like the library and the Cascade Hall before deciding to try the music MARS room. Ivy was really good at her piccolo and did the whole orchestra thing, so maybe she was practicing! The eager young lad did not think to knock or anything, but the handle turned easily enough - did these things lock? Vladimir actually didn’t know - so he stepped on in.

The people he found, while neither one his sister, were at least people he knew: his dearest friends, Dorian and Jehan. But something seemed weird. Jehan was on the floor, and they both looked kinda… frazzled? And they were staring at him. “Uh, hi?” he greeted weakly. “Am… Am I interrupting something?” Vlad asked weakly, although he had absolutely no idea what exactly he could have been interrupting to provoke such a reaction from not one but both of them.

12 Vladimir Brockert Player three joins the party 1400 Vladimir Brockert 0 5

Dorian

August 30, 2018 10:08 AM

White noise in my mind, won't calm down by Dorian

“No, of course not. Bienvenue,” Dorian smiled. Normally he was a terrible liar but certain social niceties were so drilled in that he thought he could have carried them off under any circumstances. He bit back a sentence beginning ‘we were just…’ because he was not sure he could put together a convincing sounding ending that explained why they were sitting in a pile of books near-ish to a piano and a flute and thought it might be safer not to try. He stood, holding out a hand to help Jehan up. He wondered whether some of the lelecticity that Jehan had kept poking around with during the summer had somehow… stuck. Because he had heard that lelectricity made you feel jolted and shaky, and he was starting to identify those as the feelings that happened whenever he and Jehan were in contact, and that was definitely new. Or at least, it had somehow intensified and changed. He had always enjoyed being tactile with Jehan but now… For just a second more than was strictly necessary in helping him up, his hand stayed holding Jehan’s and he looked at him longingly, wanting to just pull him back in, back to how they had been...

But they had company. Dorian didn’t analyse too much the fact that their behaviour had changed when Vlad walked in. People behaved differently in public and in private. It was just a normal part of life. And he was too busy now, surveying what he had done to the MARS room. The piano bore a striking resemblance to the one in the drawing room at home. The one he had steadfastly refused to play during Jehan’s visit, turning over all musical responsibilities to his much more talented friend. At home, he played to amuse Émilie, but he was not very confident in having any audience that wasn’t his sister. The piano rippled and faded slightly. Except, of course, if he got rid of it now, that meant admitting that he’d changed the room when Vlad walked in, and he didn’t particularly want to do that either, because it implied Vlad had interrupted something. The piano solidified again.

He made his way tentatively over, finding that the music he had set on it was, of course, that which he was most familiar with playing. There were a couple of Chinese pieces he’d looked at with his cousin over the summer, but sitting in the centre was the score book for ‘Melodie,’ still a firm favourite with him and his sister even after all these years. He picked it up, skimming down the contents page, forgetting to look like its presence wasn’t new to him, and mostly trying to buy himself time because he didn’t really want to play. His eyes caught on a particular song title. Safety. And the thought that had been nagging at the corner of his mind had suddenly come racing into focus. Because Safety was a love song and he suddenly recalled what he had been thinking at the feast. Love is the person who makes you feel safe.

Jehan made him feel safe.

But Jehan was a boy.

And love is the person who is the other half of you. He had spent the summer curled only into one half of his daybed, because there needed to be space for Jehan, the missing part of himself. And it wasn’t the first time he had thought of Jehan in those terms. The other half of himself. The person who understood everything about him. The person he wanted to spend time with above others… And all of the walls in his brain came crashing down and he realised that those were all ways he had defined, at different times and in different headspaces, both love and Jehan.

But Jehan was a boy.

He put a hand out to steady himself, forgetting that what was in front of him was a piano, and his fingers landed with a discordant crash that snapped his focus back to reality just enough to remember the book that he was still holding. He had told Jehan that he made him feel safe, and now here was a very romantic song with that as a name and - and he did not want Jehan perusing that list of song titles - he knew the songs, what they were about, as well as Dorian did - and coming to the conclusion that he, Dorian, found himself unavoidably hurtling towards. The book vanished abruptly from his hands.

He was supposed to meet the perfect girl, somewhere down the line, and fall in love with her. And yet, when he pictured the future, the only thing he ever thought about was him and Jehan. They had talked about spending Christmases together when they were older. And he had never questioned that, or how incompatible it was going to be with them both growing up and getting married. He couldn’t picture that. The thought of Jehan being closer to someone other than him physically hurt, and he couldn’t imagine anyone who was better than Jehan. When he thought about kissing girls, or about whether he was in love with Ruby or Tatya, the answer was a clear, emphatic ‘no.’ He had never thought about kissing Jehan. Or… He tried the sentence out in his head… I’m in love with Jehan. And it made everything that had been strange or confusing, every point that he felt like he had been missing, settle and go away. That was the answer to the question that had been trying to form itself in the back of his brain since-

Since when? He tried to trace the feeling back, to work out when it had started, but he couldn’t find that moment. Either it had shifted so subtly that he couldn’t pinpoint it or he had been in love with Jehan Callahan since the second he had met him.

But now that he knew that, another question rose up to replace it… What the heck was he supposed to do?

Well, nothing because Vlad was standing right there. But if he hadn’t been- the moment before Vlad had walked in replayed in Dorian’s mind and he felt his face flush. All the things he had just said to Jehan. He had spilt his heart out, laid his soul bare without quite realising what he was doing. He had told Jehan that he made him feel safe. Safe and - he cringed to remember it - excited. And that he was perfect. Now that the walls had come down, it was impossible to see those remarks as anything except a declaration of love. And then they had been so close. And Dorian did not want to admit how close to doing something very, very stupid he had been, but he knew really what he would have done if Vlad had not walked in. What he did not know was how Jehan would have reacted to that.

He swore every bad word in every language he knew, screaming them as loudly as he could, all within the confines of his own head, and then dealt with the situation the only way he knew how.

“I am making tea,” he declared, with an of calm so forced that it was practically dead and emotionless. He stepped away from the piano, going over to where his satchel lay, near to the books. He mentally swore some more. He had just told his best friend that he loved him, and had nearly kissed him. Did Jehan realise? It seemed impossible for anyone to not realise that but HE HADN’T BLOODY REALISED. Well. He had now. And now- He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to just run away. And half of him still longed to just return to his and Jehan’s version of MARS. Maybe with the help of a bit of time travel, so he could go back to the start of that conversation and not screw it up so monumentally. And he needed to leave. And he couldn’t bear to. And everything was a mess and he just wanted it back how it had been and-

At the sound of some noises of consternation from next to the piano, he looked up and did a double take. Some of his and Jehan’s room was back. Half the painting, sticking out at an odd angle, jammed into the new canvas he’d put into the room, and other bits and pieces, hints of their furniture and colour scheme, all jutting out at weird angles, like they’d been forced into a space where they didn’t fit. And the whole thing was… kind of melting. The walls and the piano and everything were just sort of fizzling. It was as if someone had tried to express the concept of a mental breakdown via the medium of interior design. Which, he supposed, was sort of what was happening, but he did not want that to be on display for everyone else to see. The room went abruptly totally blank white. There was a beat of silence before Dorian remembered the need for there to be music and a feeble and off-key swirl of notes started filling the room at random.

“You choose,” he stated, turning over control to Vlad or Jehan. He was looking more at Vlad because he wasn’t sure he could look at Jehan right now, but he meant the remark to apply to either or both of them. The main thing was to pass his control of the MARS room, which he was clearly not in a fit state to possess right now. He stooped back over his preparations, trying very hard to look like he wasn’t on the verge of hyperventilating into a teapot.

13 Dorian White noise in my mind, won't calm down 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

August 30, 2018 2:58 PM

I've been a fool by Jehan

Jehan didn’t understand. He took back his earlier soliloquy on having finally reached an understanding on what was going on between him and Dorian, because his previous thoughts did not fit in with how Dorian was behaving now. There were several points to suggest what was actually happening, although Jehan was confused by and not impressed with the conclusion they led to.

Point number 1: Dorian had replied to Vlad by saying that nothing had been interrupted, which was untrue. Categorically untrue, as Jehan was completely sure that Dorian had been about to kiss him.

Point number 2: Dorian had changed the room to further give the impression that they had been engaged in a rather different activity. Perhaps this was just a desire to keep their special room private, but why had Dorian included a piano? Dorian didn’t like playing the piano in front of Jehan.

Point number 3: When Dorian had helped him up from the floor, his hand stayed in Jehan’s a little longer than necessary, and a look was on his face that reminded Jehan strongly of the moment before Vlad had interrupted them. He was almost certain that Dorian was thinking of that moment. This point contrasted with the first point. Why tell Vlad that nothing had been interrupted, if Dorian hadn’t wanted the moment to be forced to end?

Point number 4: Dorian’s tone of voice as he announced he was making tea was horrible. It was emotionless and so, so unlike Dorian that Jehan wanted to scream. He wished he was a legilimens, could just look into that mind that was usually so easy to read. What was going on here?

Then the room started changing again, causing Jehan to make a noise of surprise and concern. It was changing, half returning to their old room but then just having some sort of breakdown and not working, leaving nothing but white and then an odd swirl of music. And Dorian had been the first in the room, so he was controlling this, and Jehan took back his legilimens wish because this was not a nice look at what was inside Dorian’s head.

Why was Dorian so upset? He could only be upset, because no happy – or even okay – person caused this sort of wild change in the MARS room. It was terrifying to watch, especially when it contrasted so with Dorian’s forced calm, a calm that was disintegrating as Dorian stood over the teapot. This was point number 5. Why was Dorian upset, when everything had been going so right? They had just worked out what was going on between them, that they would always be together and that they were perfect and safe and exciting together. True, they hadn’t perhaps fully explained what they meant to each other in words, not as clearly as could be understood by a bystander, but Jehan and Dorian had always understood each other on a level beyond words. And then Dorian had been about to kiss him, and Jehan knew that didn’t necessarily mean Dorian wanted more than their friendship, but either way it had been perfect, and then Vlad had walked in and now everything was somehow, inexplicably wrong. And Dorian couldn’t be upset simply because of the interruption because, if that were the case, he could have politely explained to Vlad that, yes, he had been interrupting, and would he mind stepping out again?

This all led to the sixth point. The sixth point was worse even than Dorian being upset. It was this: Dorian didn’t seem to want to look at Jehan, to catch his eye.

The third point was an anomaly but, if removed from the data, the other points led to a clear and logical conclusion. Jehan had been wrong, wrong about everything, and Dorian hadn’t wanted to kiss him. It had all been a mistake, and Dorian regretted it now, now that the real world had come crashing in and brought him to his senses. Dorian didn’t want to be together forever with Jehan. It wasn’t Jehan and Dorian against the world. As much as Jehan hated this conclusion, it had to be true. Why else would Dorian be upset?

Jehan felt cold. He ignored Dorian’s wish for someone else to take over control of the room, and he ignored the tea. He wasn’t sure he could just sit and drink tea this time, knowing that Dorian didn’t want any of what Jehan wanted. His and Jehan’s close friendship was obviously an embarrassment, something to be denied. The almost-kiss had been a moment of madness, and Jehan had been lying to himself for far too long.

He had a wild urge to do something drastic, to break the teapot or to kiss Vlad or to yell at Dorian, to yell out all his anger and frustration and hurt, to scream his love for Dorian before fleeing dramatically.

Instead, he ran a hand through his hair (Dorian’s hand in his hair was better, but he repressed that thought).

“You already chose,” he replied, which wasn’t answering the true nature of Dorian’s question, but Jehan was allowed to be a little bit dramatic. Dorian had obviously already chosen, chosen to ignore what had happened and to lie to Vlad. Dorian was ashamed of him.

Jehan left the room.

9 Jehan I've been a fool 1398 Jehan 0 5