A good-bye (Josh) on Magical Arts Room and Sports

Brianna Japos

September 22, 2013 7:09 AM

A good-bye (Josh) by Brianna Japos

Brianna stood in the water room with her crutch holding her up right. She had sent word to Josh that she would like to have one last therapy session before he left. Just one more. It was their last evening together at Sonora and she was not sure if she would ever see him again. Despite getting to know him these last few years, Brianna was never really sure about him. She trusted him and believed in him as she would anyone that she cared about, but Josh had a way of always keeping people at arm’s length. She felt close to him since they had shared so much together, but she wasn’t sure if that was enough to keep him from running way. She knew he wanted out of his life and she also knew that it meant that he might have to break off everything with everyone just to be safe.

She wanted to say good bye to him on her own terms without the worry of someone watching. She was not ashamed of their friendship or worried that someone might take the wrong idea of the two of them. By now, everyone knew they were friends. Everyone knew they were only friends, but there were some things that she felt were only meant to be said in private. Plus, even if she said it without any hidden agenda or emotion, she wasn’t sure if she could really explain to someone who was not involved in their relationship.

So she stood in the water room watching him for a moment. She was not wearing a swim suit and had not brought one. She had no real intention of swimming. She had come here for the purpose of talking to him and saying good bye. She knew that he couldn’t avoid her before he left. He cared too much for her to ignore her.

The present she had gotten for him for Christmas was one that she honestly believed he would use if he really felt that it was needed. Brianna thought it suited him well. He was not one who asked for help directly and that gift would allow him the ability to find her when he needed her without her knowing it. Brianna thought this conversation would either cement their friendship or end it. It would depend on how he interpreted her words.

Not knowing where to start, Brianna did the only thing she could think of. She hugged him. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her head against his chest. Although she felt the closest to him out of everyone that she was friends with, Brianna had never hugged Josh. She hugged Valerie and she hugged Linus, but never Josh. That was something their friendship had never encompassed. Still, she hugged him tightly and refused to let go. He was leaving her. He needed to remember how much she needed him.

“I love you.” She said into his chest. “I know that you might not have room in your heart to accept it and that’s okay too.” She told him. She could feel hot tears begin to prickle in the corner of her eyes. Goodbyes were not something that she was used to. “I just want you to know so that when you disappear, you’ll know someone is here waiting for you.” She didn’t necessarily love him any differently than she did Valerie or even Linus. But she did love him and she knew he had closed himself off to such things a long time ago. She didn’t really understand why he felt that he could only love a girl he had not seen since he was thirteen or fourteen, but it had never been her business to ask either.

She finally released him having said what she needed to without him running away. “I thought you should know that before you left.” She stated, unsure of where to look.

6 Brianna Japos A good-bye (Josh) 203 Brianna Japos 1 5

Josh McLachlan

September 23, 2013 11:23 PM

I had wanted to avoid this. by Josh McLachlan

Brianna's request for one last therapy session on his last evening at Sonora was odd, but he knew he would comply. She was the only one he really wanted to spend his last few hours with at this institution. After his RATS had ended, even before final exams, Josh had been feeling more melancholy than usual. His RATS had been the penultimate event preceding his complete departure from the school grounds and, with that, Arizona. It wasn't frightening, but his academics, the school, even the people were all elements he had grown accustomed to and he didn't want to let it go. But he knew, as all things usually ended for him, he would be forced to move on and grow up and continue trudging through the muck and mire of life.

The last week had breezed by without anything significant happening. He had finished off his last term strong, finishing his Potions project with ease. He had his grades and his RATS scores in his pocket. There would be some minor edits to that dealing mostly with the name, but nothing major. Josh was good to go and logistically there was nothing holding him back except his darn feelings.

He had tried very hard to separate himself from everyone here, to stick to the shadows as an outcast and simply float through the years and graduate without a single thing holding him back. But he had messed things up quick with Regina and had sent his first impression spiraling into the dust. Instead of slipping into the background, rumors had spread like wildfire about the new transfer and put him into a spotlight he had tried to avoid. And then he had made a friend in Brianna, someone he had opened up to and had come to care for even though he never meant to. It was ridiculous how it worked out that way, how over the years his unspoken passion for an old flame had dwindled down to a fond memory, how his heart had allowed one more platonic relationship in even though he had been hurt by people so many times before.

Josh opened the door to the familiar MARS room and found Brianna simply standing there with her crutch without a bathing suit on. She was usually dressed and prepared before they met so he wouldn't have to be awkwardly turning his back on her while she undressed, but that didn't seem to be the case now. He simply lifted his hand and dropped it in a mute greeting as he approached her, and when he was close enough, he was surprised to be accosted by her body as she came forward and hugged him. He realized then that they had never really hugged before. They had been in close proximity for her therapy and during class, but it had never been simply an act of purposed kindness. He was taken aback by it, but did what he thought was appropriate and put his arms around her after a moment of hesitation. She was comfortable, off guard, and they were alone. The moment was starting to make Josh feel a little uncomfortable even if this hugging did make him feel good. It made him feel sad too and he couldn't be sad if she was sad.

Her words threw him off completely and Josh panicked for a moment, wondering if she was completely crazy and didn't know what she was saying. Those three words were precious in Josh's heart. He had never said them out loud to anyone and, though he understood what love was to an extent, he had never thought he loved anyone. Now, at eighteen, he looked back on his fondness for Cecilia and knew he hadn't loved her as he understood love now. He had adored her, but what did a fourteen-year-old boy know about love? From an academic standpoint, there were different kinds of love that Josh could understand. He knew longing, he knew loss, but he didn't really know love. He simply listened as she spoke, the tears in her voice causing his eyes to water unexpectedly. He tried not to panic again and simply closed off his mind to those emotions as difficult as it was to do.

She released him at last having said what she needed to and Josh stood there, staring at her as she didn't look at him. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he wasn't used to saying goodbye. He hadn't said a proper goodbye to Cecilia or her sister when he left, the only two friends he had left behind at the New Zealand Academy of the several he had started out with. He had been ripped away from family members without goodbyes and, having grown up learning to be closed off and impassively strong in front of everyone, he didn't know how to express himself in these emotional situations. Brianna knew he was going to disappear. She knew he wasn't going to stay in these parts and Josh was grateful that she didn't prod. It would be a long while at the least before he even attempted sending her an owl under his new name. She might not even believe he was still alive after it all happened.

Shaking, he put a hand on her shoulder in a rare moment of affection. He embraced her again, his jaw clenched with words he couldn’t express. Josh wanted to thank her for everything she had done for him, for her understanding and acceptance, and most of all for her love. The words just wouldn’t come and Josh simply held onto her for a little while longer. A few minutes later he pulled back and looked at her. His gray eyes were fiercely sincere and wet, though no tears dropped. “Thank you,” he said. He couldn’t say it out loud, but he did love her in the same way she loved him. “It…it means a lot.” Those words meant nothing out of context, but that was all he could think of to say to encompass all that he was thankful for. He hadn’t wanted to say goodbye like this; he would have been content simply leaving. She was only making it harder to let go.

0 Josh McLachlan I had wanted to avoid this. 0 Josh McLachlan 0 5

Brianna

September 25, 2013 5:05 PM

Sorry, I'm making you face it. by Brianna

Brianna knew that Josh would not have said anything in return to her. She knew that and yet, it still hurt a little that all he had done was say 'thank you'. The hugging was nice. She knew he had only accepted hers out of awkward necessity, but the fact that he had hugged her on his own when words failed him had been nice. She wasn't sure why they had never done it before. They weren't comfortable people with physical contact, but if they had started two years ago when they were first starting their strange friendship, it might not have been so difficult for them to have done.

As he pulled away from her for the second time, Brianna gave him a small smile. She was trying not to cry. She didn't like crying and didn't want to do it in front of him. It was hard enough and tears would just make it worse. It was difficult though because it was finally sinking in for her that Josh would not be returning next year and there was a strong possibility that he would never return into her life again, if he had things his way or if his family intervened and made sure he disappeared for good.

Brianna knew that the less that she knew of his plans, the better for them all. She never asked. She could only hoped for his sake that it worked out as he wanted it to. "Will you at least promise me that once everything is settled and you are free that you'll come back to me?" She sounded needed. Even she heard it in her voice. Hopeful, desperate, and needy. She had been so dependent on him for these last couple of years, she wasn't sure how she'd get on without him. She just knew that it gave her hope to know that he wasn’t going to be gone forever. That if she needed him, she could still find him and he’d be there for her. Just as the gift she had given him would allow for her to be there for him. “Just don’t forget my gift and make sure you use it.” Brianna told him firmly. Brianna gave a small laugh and shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next year without you. Who’s going to help me with my Potions now with you gone?”

6 Brianna Sorry, I'm making you face it. 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh

September 25, 2013 7:30 PM

It was necessary. by Josh

There were smiles that made Josh feel good, and then there were smiles that tore him up inside. Brianna's now, a smile that tried to reassure him she was okay, was one of the latter and he tried to stay strong. If they were both feeling sad and melancholy they would be unbalanced and they would both be useless to each other. Throughout their entire friendship here, Josh had been there for Brianna every time she broke down and needed him. In return, she had been there in his darkest place when he really needed a friend. Moments like these would pass, but Josh didn't want it to. For the first time in a long time he wanted this moment to last forever. Not this sadness, but this time where they could be together.

'Don't let your feelings get the best of you,' he thought to himself firmly and took a deep breath before replying. "I can promise that," he told her, eyes unmoving from hers. "I might not be here in the same capacity that I am now, but I'll write you first." The bigger likelihood would be his relatives would owl her first with a Howler demanding to know where he was. He could only hope and pray that nothing terrible would happen to her. If his relatives were capable of killing their own blood, what else could they be capable of?

Josh had been sure not to mention her often at home. Only Inigo had been gracious enough to send Brianna's family money after her terrible injury. Because Brianna was a pureblood, she was safe; at least she was safer than Cecilia would have been. Josh had made it abundantly clear to his Australian uncle that Brianna was only a friend, but he didn't think that would keep Inigo from telling the patriarch all about their relationship including the letters Inigo had kept from him last summer while Josh had been slaving away at his aunt's.

It was a hard balance to keep and a difficult decision to make. If he left, he would be leaving Brianna to their mercy. But if he didn't leave, he would be kept to the cauldron, so to speak, and would be forced to do things he never wanted to even think of doing. He would simply have to trust that Brianna would be strong enough and, if she was not, that Linus would be.

The Deluminator was more than just a Put-Outer, he knew that. But he didn't know if he could use it just yet, at least not while she was still in school. "I won't forget your gift," he assured her. It would come in handy during his escape and he would use it whenever he needed light on the run. She laughed, then, and Josh wanted her to stop talking. The more she talked, the harder it was getting to leave. Logically he was prepared, but emotionally he was not. "You have Linus and Valerie," he said, trying to sound soothing. It came out kind of hoarse. "Linus is good at Potions, don't worry," he added. "I worked beside him in one of the Advanced classes. He'll be able to help you with your exams."

There were very few people Josh would trust in this world, and though under any other circumstance Josh would not have trusted his friend's boyfriend, he would have to now. He was the one leaving Brianna as he had left everyone else in his life and as much as he didn't want to, he knew he had to. Therefore Linus had to step into that role even if the boyfriend didn't know it.

"Make sure Linus takes care of you," he said firmly. He couldn't ask her to tell him if Linus ever misbehaved; his plea was useless, but it was a plea nonetheless. Brianna had been hurt before and Josh never wanted that to happen to her again. Those stupid feelings were coming over him again just at the thought of leaving her and Josh couldn't speak for fear of betraying his emotions. "I don't want to leave," he said almost inaudibly. As soon as it was out of his mouth, he knew he shouldn't have said that. It would only make it more difficult for both of them.

0 Josh It was necessary. 0 Josh 0 5

Brianna

September 26, 2013 9:46 PM

Yes, I think so too. by Brianna

Brianna would hold him to that promise. She would. If she hadn’t heard from him physically in at least three years (she felt that was enough time to acclimate himself to his new life and be out of his families minds) time, she would hunt him down. She didn’t know how to do that or even where to start, but she would do it. Maybe by then she would have connections too and then would have a stepping stone to find him?

She doubted this, of course. She would only be a sophomore in college and still trying to work her way into Law School. But it was a good enough threat in her head to keep her motivated.

Brianna didn’t really have a response. Linus was smart. Brianna knew this and that was why she didn’t like to always work with him and never asked him for help. She was smart in her own way, but she worked very hard for her grades. If Linus knew that this didn’t come as easily as to her as it did for Aladrens, he might not want her anymore. But she wasn’t going to admit that to Josh. She knew that Linus and Josh had only tolerated one another for her. “I will and you’ll be the first to know if he doesn’t.” That probably wasn’t true considering she wouldn’t have any way of contacting him. Still, if Linus did end up hurting her, she would write to Josh just in the hopes of him getting it.

At his soft comment, Brianna broke their rule again and hugged him. “I should have hugged you more when I had the chance.” Brianna said into his chest. Although she had felt initially awkward with giving him a physical hug, she wished this had been a part of their friendship since the start. She had realized far too late how healing a hug could really be and out of everyone that she knew, Josh needed to be healed the most. He was without a loving family and had closed off much of himself from people as a result of the trauma is extended family had caused onto him. Now he was cutting himself off again and Brianna didn’t know if there would be anyone there for him if he needed them. She could be there at a distance just as he would be there for her, but it was not the same. It had taken them this long to hug and they had two years of friendship. Someone he had only met after disappearing wouldn’t be able to get this close to him.

She pulled away from him once more. If she tried it again, she didn’t think she’d be able to let go. Brianna hadn’t realized how much of her life he had become. “Stay safe.” She said lamely, don’t die, she added to herself, feeling a little numb now. She knew it was better for him to disappear and get out from his family’s clutches. He would be happier that way. He would be free. She knew, in her heart of hearts, that this was better. He would keep to his promise and contact her when it was safe to do so.

6 Brianna Yes, I think so too. 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh

September 28, 2013 11:54 AM

Now what? by Josh

Brianna hugged him again and Josh had to try hard again to keep it together. He put his arms around her again slowly. It still felt strange because hugging had never been a part of their friendship before. He wasn't sure he would ever be comfortable enough to initiate it on his own, but they were close enough that she didn't care about his personal space. And he was okay with that. Josh looked over her head at the water and let out a deep breath. If she kept doing this he would find it harder to let go and leave this school. He knew he shouldn't have admitted he didn't want to leave, but it felt good to be hugged for the last time.

Josh let her pull away again feeling a little more in control of his emotions and his tongue. "I'll try," he replied. Staying safe wouldn't be very easy and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep that promise to her if he made it. He would be putting himself in a dangerous situation and he knew he had to do it on his own. He didn't have friends to help him out with this kind of thing; it was something he had brought upon himself, but it was much better this way anyway. If he had any friend as close as Brianna, he would probably have rethought his plan and ended up not running away. He would never have put them in that kind of danger and that was why he was leaving his only friend behind.

"Thank you for calling me out here," he said. "I...thank you. For being my friend and seeking me out." He looked over her shoulder for a moment before making eye contact again. "You...you mean a lot to me. So stay safe." He didn't think he'd ever said that before, even to Cecilia when he was leaving. He had been leaving for very different reasons then and he was a very different person now. Brianna had helped him emotionally more than either of them had realized at the time and he was eternally grateful for her. She had given him enough strength and confidence in himself to even think about running away like this.

0 Josh Now what? 0 Josh 0 5

Brianna

September 29, 2013 9:17 PM

I don't really know. by Brianna

’I’ll try’

Well, it wasn’t a promise, but she knew that was all she was going to get from him. Just as she knew that Josh would never tell her how he really felt, he would not make promises he could not commit too. She could respect him for that. However, his next few statements surprised her. She had never expected him to thank her or express himself to her. That just didn’t seem natural for him to do. “I’ll try.” She echoed, giving him the shadow of a smile as she jested him. She knew she must mean something of importance to him since he had stuck by her through everything. He wouldn’t have put up with her otherwise.

“I should go and let you get back to Aladren. I still need to finish packing anyway.” That was a lie, she had finished that morning, but she didn’t want to keep standing there feeling more lost than ever. If she hugged him again, she was going to break down. Her last reserves were already starting to become tapped out. “I will be waiting for your letter.” It was her way of letting him know he was not off the hook. He had better write to her.

Brianna moved passed him with her head down. Tears that had previously only been on the rims of her eyes were now streaming down her face. She didn’t want him to see how upset she was by all of this, so she tried to move quickly out of the room before he could catch on. Not that it was likely hard, she was sniffling and at one point, she was pretty sure she had made a weird sound before she hit the door and escaped from the water room. Instead of heading towards the common room though, she went towards another door to a different MARS room. She didn’t want to cry in the hall where anyone could see her or with the possibility of Josh coming along the way.

As soon as the door was closed behind her and she knew Josh would not see her, Brianna let out the sobs that had threatened since the moment she realized Josh was leaving her. She felt her knees buckle and she slowly sank to the floor of whatever room she had stumbled into. She felt like a crazy person sobbing on the floor of a MARS room. She didn’t understand why Josh leaving was affecting her the way that it was. He was important to her, that much she understood, but her heart felt like it was breaking into tiny pieces as though he had died and was lost to her forever. It was stupid. She knew it was stupid. Her mind could understand logically there was no reason for her to be this upset. Josh was only a friend. An important one of course, but he wasn’t anything more than that, right? She would see him again, so crying like this was pointless.

She had felt something similar to this when Michael had broken her heart for the final time. The pit of emptiness and utter loneliness that infested her at the prospect of losing him. What she was feeling for Josh was deeper than that, but still within the same realm. It was hard for her to grasp the idea that she had let him into her life so deeply because she had never done that with anyone and wasn’t sure if she would ever do so again.

When she felt the tears were drying on her face and her body no longer shook, Brianna pulled a Kleenex from her bag and tried to make herself as presentable as possible. She didn’t want to run into Linus and have him see her eyes red and swollen from tears. He might have understood why she was upset over Josh leaving, but he might take it the wrong way. Brianna wasn’t sure anymore on how she felt about her friend, but she knew she cared deeply for Linus and was trying desperately to be the girlfriend that he wanted.

Feeling her strength coming back to her, Brianna reached for her crutch and pulled herself up off the floor. She took a couple of long deep breaths before leaving the MARS room. Brianna couldn’t crumble now. Now was the time where she needed to be strong. She would get over this as she had everything else and be all the better for it. Josh would be okay. She had to trust that.

6 Brianna I don't really know. 0 Brianna 0 5